What do you do when your ds/dd comes back from their dads in THAT mood!

[BernieBear]

I am an in/sometimes frequent poster on a couple of these boards but a VERY frequent lurker . My ds who is nearly 3 has regular contact with his dad (every other weekend from Fri til Sun) and for a day on the middle Friday. Occasionally he stays for a 5 day stint (has done this about 3 times in the last year when his dad wanted to take him on hols and when I was ill etc. Won't even go into that ) These times I deal with it the best I can with either attempting to go away myself or immersing oneself in bath of wine/watching tv you don't normally do whilst clutching mobile like it is the living lifeline to your child/going to loo on your own etc/cleaning or as happened from boxing day griping wildly onto the toilet whilst that vomiting bug took a hold!
However my wonderful ds came back 2 days ago from his father in the worst mood ever. No smiles, no laughing, no fun just ..well sad and moody, almost as if he was a pubescent teenager. I waved off the happiest little chap in the world who was well behaved (as much as any nearly 3 yr old is) and smiley. I asked him this morning where his smiles were and he said that he was "too old for smiling"???? WTF?????
This morning he started messing with stuff he shouldn't and, as is normal, I took him aside and said in firm voice "no you do not do that, it is dangerous" etc. and he had floods of tears for about 20 minutes (not a tantrum we have those, but heartbrocken crying(which is most unusual). With lots of cuddles he got over it and when asked said he was upset because I had said no (to something I have said no to countless times before - explained why again) and then said that he was upset because if he cried people got cross!???? I told him it was okay to cry and Mummy would never get cross etc. etc. etc.

Please don't get me wrong - he worships his Dad and he is a good dad (but not a great person by any stretch - not many friends, hated at work etc!)and I know he loves his time with him to the point that on occasions he has said that he "just wants Daddy".

I am sure a few days of mummy will change things and he will be okay again, and again I am probably expecting too much from him having to cope with this type of arrangement (not my choice I hasten to add), but how does one cope when the most wonderful thing in your life is transformed into something you don't even recognise??? Is there anyone else who experiences this or is it just me? He did exhibit signs of this the last time (June) but was so fleeting it wasn't worth noting. He spent all last night a sleep either on my tummy (which he hasn't done since he was a babe covered in ezcema - and damn I need to work on those abs!!!) or in my bed and then this morning throwing his toys at me and saying "go away Mummy".

God this is soo hard and I know, obviously having read all of the posts on here, that he is the luckiest little boy in this situation. But it is just this awful mood when he comes back (from the longer stints; he is fine after just a weekend). I can't work out if he doesn't want to come back, is upset because he hasn't seen me or what. Is there anyone else out there who has this and if so, how do you deal with it?

By the way......Happy New Year!!!

Thank you JUT. I agree with the Enumbers, sugar etc. Apparently ds had 5 cups of caffinated tea in one afternoon and (wonders of wonders) did not sleep that night. Am I wrong in thinking that caffine is bad for a child of under 3??

You are right (and it is comforting to hear) when you say that they return with a completely new personality. I just don't recognise him....he looks the same, smells the same....

From what you have said I will attempt to get him in bath asap when he has come back and then to bed (maybe with extra stories)although again as you said it is just so bl**dy hard when you have been missing them with every ounce of your being whilst they have been away.

Thanks for your post

I think he is possibly just struggling with the confusing feelings of loving his dad and loving being with him but having to leave him and come home to you - who he also loves being with but at the same time misses his Dad. I suspect he is the same when he is at his Dad's for the first day or so.

It's a lot for a little boy to cope with, and I think is highly likely to be down to circumstances he is in, rather than anything you or his Dad are doing 'wrong'

Hi BernieBear. We've always found that when dsd first comes to us she can be over-excited and can play us up, but the next day she settles right down. Her mum describes similar when she returns from us. She's 11 now and has been coming to stay since she was 4.

We put it down to her adjusting to going between the two households, and also being excited about coming to see her Dad and little sister again. We think that when she goes home, she's sad about having to leave us but equally wants to be back at home and with her mum again. I think she must have really mixed emotions about it all, she misses her mum when she's here, she misses her dad and dd when she's there. She's in a bit of a no win situation, as wherever she is, she's missing one of her parents and one of them is missing her .

As for what we do about it, we don't do anything, other than make her feel really welcome, catch up on what we've been up to, and just ride it out knowing that things always settle. When she starts to get ready to go home I start talking to her about home, and say things like "you must be looking forward to seeing your mum again".

How are things between you and his Dad. Is it something you could talk about as he might be finding the same thing?

Thanks for replies, things between me and his Dad have pretty much been awful (alot of bullying which I won't go into) however in the last 6 months we have had moments of clarity where I have spoken about issues about ds which have been of concern i.e. potty training (not got there yet!) and eating. However he has inevitably turned it into a him vs. me thing saying things like "well he will always want to live with me anyway" which after the torment of the first year I just can't take. Seriously I try and try for ds's sake, but there is a point. Suspect that it is yet another one of those things that will get better with time, I remember being on here two years ago about probs then, and things have improved since then, so hopefully...........

HI,
i started the thread about mean ex's. I just want to add to what everyone is saying. I know from experience that these poor little mites are unsettled, and have so much to adjust too.
My daughter was much worse a yr ago, when she was 3, and i was pulling my hair our not knowing what to do for the best. At the same time I was trying to be fair the my husband, encourage contact, even making him see her.
Sometimes it fells like 'for what ' point.
Your ds, like my dd is not happy with the situation, but I have seen my daughter, altho still not as happpy with the situation, able to convey the emotions to me bettr, as time goes on.

She still cant have an in depth conversation with me, of course not, but she is able to say, 'I dont like daddy', without prompting ( which brekas my heart) and this then starts one of those conversations, where we can discuss her anger.
When he left just inder 2 trs ago, when she was nearly 3, she just cried, was unsettled, was angry.

Hopefully, now your little one is home, you can get back into a routine, till the next time! I do know how it is, believe me, you feel like you r getting somewhere with them then they go to thier dads and come back all back to square one.

take care

I have had similar probs with dd1 (dd2 doesn't seem to care whats happening!) she is now 7 but for the past year she has had a lot of viruses/started with allergies and generally gets run down very easily.I regularly get her back having had 6-7 hours sleep (at home she has 12ish) ,and she says that Daddy says "just have another story/watch this/have a cuddle"
Anyway she comes back in a foul mood etc and it all seems to stem from her not having enough sleep.