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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Excluded from a couples do...

16 replies

Oldladyfish · 28/02/2016 13:37

I found out recently that a good friend had a celebratory weekend away with a large group of couples with their children. When it was mentioned months ago, i was asked along (I THINK) but as time progressed it became clear i wasn't invited, and I tried not to mind.

I'm feeling incredibly sad as although she's allowed to invite whoever she wants to her celebration (obviously!), i have a horrible feeling i wasn't invited as i'm a bit of an awkward presence, being the only single parent. It's either that or she doesn't really like me enough, and i'm not sure which is worse!!

Just writing as I feel sad and am in need of a bit of single parent sympathy! I know i should join a gingerbread group or something to find more people in the same situation as me, but I haven't quite got the energy to do it.

OP posts:

starry0ne · 28/02/2016 14:05

I find the same..I am not invited to events as I am not part of a couple...I think sometimes people fail to see I don't need to be part of a couple to understand I can join in on my own.

Original poster

Oldladyfish · 28/02/2016 14:10

thanks for responding starry. I really thought she and I were good friends, but her life has moved in a different direction to mine now, and i just wonder if she thought it would be too difficult.

i feel so sad about it: my DD would have loved hanging out with all the kids (its just me and her) and i would have loved having the shared childcare. Instead I was excluded. It was particularly galling as i met up with a group of the people who HAD been invited, and they were raving about it, and even said "the place we stayed was so big, there was even a spare room"! They didn't realise i wasn't invited i don't think.

AAAARRRRGH!

i don't want to end up in a single-mum ghetto but maybe i do need to try to make more single mum friends and get a bit more of a social life that doesn't involve me having to make couples feel less awkward about MY situation!!

OP posts:

ittooshallpass · 28/02/2016 22:07

That is really cap. I don't know why people do this, but they do.

I don't know how you tackle this type of behaviour, but maybe you organise the next trip? Show them that it is ok to enjoy a social ocassion with a single person in the group!

Big hugs to you. You shouldn't have to join single groups to enjoy a social life.

I completely understand how you feel. I've been excluded from social events too... ridiculous. Funnily enough I have no intention of shagging the husbands...

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 28/02/2016 22:23

If she's as good a friend as you say, could you raise it with her saying you were disappointed not to have been invited and ask if there's a reason why not? Obviously you can phrase it more subtly than that! But I think it needs raising so they know how you feel. When the other people who'd been started talking about the spare room and how great it'd all been, did you tell them that you didn't get an invitation?

I know how you feel though. Several years ago a couple of friends discussed a night in they were arranging with both their husbands (like a couples night in, I suppose) right in front of me. Sometimes people can be hugely tactless and insensitive. I wish I'd called them on it there and then. I would do now.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 28/02/2016 22:26

Pathetic, hate when folk do this.

bloom7 · 28/02/2016 22:38

If children all went too it was hardly a couples thing so can't see why you couldn't go

If you feel brave enough bring it up, but that could be embaressing if you just weren't invited. Although know what you mean about 'thinking' you were invited... I have had a few times where friends have discussed plans with me/in front of a group of us but then not bothered to let me know because they thought I 'probably wouldn't be able to make it' bloody well ask me then!

Original poster

Oldladyfish · 29/02/2016 08:36

thanks so much for the responses all. I feel much better for a bit of solidarity!

I think I do need to bring it up. it could be embarrassing as she may have to say "actually i'm not that keen on you anymore"(!!) or whatever, but i think that might be better than this weird "dis-invitation".

I'm fairly sure that if i was still with my ex I would have been invited, but there's definitely a mixture of reasons. Good idea to organise the next thing... I need to get a bit of confidence back about these things and remember that i am (or was) a fun person to be around, and that i have things to offer to a social group! I honestly don't just moan about my circs!!

I'm going to wait until i've cooled down a bit about it though (this could take a week or two!) as at the moment i'm just in the mood to tell her to eff off, and that i don't want to be her friend any more (because, obviously, i'm actually ten years old...).

thanks again all -- really nice to hear from some other single mums who understand the crapness of this

OP posts:

Original poster

Oldladyfish · 29/02/2016 08:40

Bloom7-- i think there might have been some of that (ie "oh, you won't be able to come anyway..."). She had discussed it with me last year, and said how much fun "we" would have, but then i head nothing more.

I agree it was hardly an exclusively couples thing, which is why i'm a leetle bit worried it may also be the sign of the end of the friendship. the fact that there was a spare room genuinely shows she didn't want me there, for whatever reason!

OP posts:

bloom7 · 29/02/2016 21:10

Don't worry, I actually do think you were excluded because it was a couples thing, it's just us normal folk can see that it's not a proper couples thing with loads of kids.

I think a lot of people just don't think.

If it's any consolation, it sounds like a nice trip in theory but if me and my DD went I think we would be desperate to go off and do our own thing after the first day or so. Funny how you get used to it being just the two of you

spanky2 · 29/02/2016 21:22

I had a friend who seemed angry with me when she said she didn't trust other women with her dh as everyone fancied him and I told her I didn't fancy him. Why do some women think all other women want to steal their dh?
I think that's why you weren't invited. I'm really surprised at how people behave. Maybe it's because the dhs' find you attractive. Is this in Bridget Jones.

bloom7 · 29/02/2016 21:34

Omg spanky has hit the nail on the head. Take your lack of invite as a compliment

Waitingfordolly · 29/02/2016 21:35

I sympathise too. At least I was invited but I turned down a social engagement a couple of weeks ago because I couldn't face lots of couples and me. I remember one particularly excruciating evening when the women kept getting their partners to go to the bar and I was having to buy my own drinks. I think I need to find some more single parent friends too. Hope you get to have a decent conversation with your friend.

Original poster

Oldladyfish · 29/02/2016 21:38

thanks Waitingfordolly! I'll update the thread when i've spoken to her (the lone parents section is so slow, i'm sure the thread will pop up again!).

And YES Spanky! I'm clearly a glamorpuss temptress. I'm sitting here in my tartan PJs, eating houmous on toast and spilling it seductively down my wooly jumper. God, i'm sexy :-D I bloody bet those DHs can't resist me :-D

OP posts:

Flowerpower41 · 14/03/2016 08:00

This is why I only count single women as my friends as wives don't make any effort They are just too different. Unless they are somebody I have known for years and years then that is an exception.

People who are coupled up I regard as contacts and acquaintances and it doesn't bother me.

ittooshallpass · 15/03/2016 15:11

Did you ever ask your friend for an explanation oldlady?

ginandmoregin · 17/03/2016 22:12

I totally get this. I get invited to all the 'mums nights out' kind of things, but then I find out that the same people have had get togethers with the husbands/partners involved too, and I haven't been invited. I often think I need to find more single mum friends, I only have one!

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