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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

alone with kid with special needs? Depressed?

25 replies

adamadamum · 30/12/2006 23:50

I am wondering if any other lone parents have a child with "Special Needs" as I do. I have a daughter, 4, with global developmental delay and feeding problems. She is like a 2 yr old in many ways. I also have a 2 1/2 yr old boy, no probs except the normal ones (they are enough aren't they)but put all those problems together and you can guess how stressful it is without a supportive partner. I have no family nearby and the couple of good friends I have are busy with their families so can't help much at all. I am on antidepressants and for a while I thought they were working, but at the moment i am genuinely feeling close to suicidal at times. It is only the worry of the kids ending up in care that stops me i think...

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Blossomhill · 30/12/2006 23:52

Poor you I have a 7 yr old dd with Aspergers and Adhd so know where you are coming from.
Have you ever thought of asking SS for a care assessment for some respite. SS have been fab for us xxx

expatinscotland · 30/12/2006 23:56

Hey, you!

My DD1 is delayed. No known cause, too.

Where are you?

We have Home Start help, they're a real blessing!

I'm training to volunteer w/them, too, as is DH, who is learning disabled.

We'd like to do nights, to help out, every now and again, where we can.

I work FT and him PT, but we'd like to help others.

You're not alone right now. People are here.

What's on your mind?

Care to talk?

There's someone here to listen.

SantasFattymumma · 31/12/2006 00:04

im single, my son is 6 and has Autism, and so functions on about a 3 year olds level.

i also have a Daughter aged 2 who is quite advanced so is at about the age 3 level so you can imagine the fun we have here.

I know you say you have no family close bvy and your freinds are busey but have you tried speaking to them about how low you feel. im sure if they realised that you were struggling they would be more than happy to make time for you....they may well be having the same feelings, having a partner doesn't always mean happy families.

but as Expat says...youw ill never be alone again - you have found Mumsnet!

expatinscotland · 31/12/2006 00:10

That's right, fatty!

What's on your mind, adamadamum?

Have you checked out the special needs boards?

There's folks always here for you and your children.

SantasFattymumma · 31/12/2006 00:12

yes defo take a look on the Sn boards there are quite a few of us over there and we are all incredibly friendly.

there is always someone with a genius answer to our most bizaar questions and a shoulder to lean against when we just want to cry...but best of all we all have the same crap days and we all know how to laugh about them.

Original poster
adamadamum · 31/12/2006 00:20

Hi, already been there done that with social services, had to get them involved as I knew I might have my son by caesarean section (unfortunately I was right, I did) and there was the problem of caring for my daughter in my recovery. I got both Sharecare and Crossroads workers, and after a crossroads worker who had only met us for 20 minutes once before, decided I put my daughter at risk (she managed to pull a plastic carrier bag off a shelf for the first time, put it on her head, I calmly removed it - didn't want to make a big thing of it for fear of her seeing it as a game - as far as I was concerned no problem, I had done what needed doing), and days later I get a call from antisocial services wanting to come to my house to discuss the dangerous situation I had allowed my child to be in!) I really don't want to go down that path again. My lovely sharecare worker left sharecare, and I wouldn't touch crossroads again with a bargepole after that. It's been ages since we had any help via ss and they have closed our casebook now thank God. I DO have a Homestart volunteer now, who is absolutely wonderful, a truly lovely woman who loves the kids, and they love her, and she has more sense than to go by silly incidents like that (an averted risk, let's face it, that's all!) Of course, she comes for 2 hours a week, and my most stressful times are bedtime, every night, our bedtime routine lasts 2 hours minimum most nights, gastrostomy feeding my girl, putting my sons creams on for his eczema, etc etc...I am so worn out.

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SantasFattymumma · 31/12/2006 00:33

care workers who are just frustrated social workers are a PITA.

nighttime does soubnd like a nightmare. Is there an NCH family centre near you? they are more support orientated than assement based and they could offer you some respite possibly. at the very leat it woudl offer you a place to talk through how yor feeling.

please do try and take a look on the special needs board though, i kmow there are a couple of mners who have to gastronomy feed. maybe they have some hints and tips for speeding it up?

Original poster
adamadamum · 31/12/2006 00:35

Hi, I have been too busy typing to read your posts! I will have a look at the "special needs" board, though to be honest, I feel my main problem is about being a single parent with 2 kids rather than being a parent of a kid with special needs. I chose this board to post my pathetic cry for help as I find that if I concentrate on parents with "SN" kids, they are just that - parents. Not just one.I am afraid I find it depressing to only have couples to converse with, if you understand what I mean. They have someone to share the burden with. That maybe depresses me even more than having a kid with problems! That was why I wondered if there are any other mums out there like me? Please don't think I am dissing any suggestions, far from it! I am begging for any help/support/ideas before i go totally over the edge!

Isabel x

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Original poster
adamadamum · 31/12/2006 00:41

SantasFattymumma, excuse my ignorance, but what is NCH? Maybe I should look into it...Thanks for suggestion , Isabel x

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MamazonAKAfatty · 31/12/2006 00:58

originally it was the National Childrens Homes but they now run a lot of family centres and do a lot of outreach work in the community.

I can't do links but if you google NCH you will hopefully find their website.

The lone parents board is great for finding other mums who share those feelings of being tired of coping alone, i just find its easier talking about some of the day to day stuff with people who truey understand just how much effort it takes t get a seemingly mundane task done. what i mean is if i talk to a reguler lone parent about the nightmare i had going to do teh food shopping i will hear things like
yeah i know XX is like that always whinging he wants a sweet" or whatever. thats great but they dont get that for me if all i had to owrry about was whinging for sweets i'd be over the moon.

anyway the boards aren't exclusive you cant pop in and out as your please, get some help and support from both boards.

If its any help my Ds is still awake now. he is thankfully sitting quietly playing but he is nowhere near ready for sleep

I definatley get what you mean though about other families shareing the load. they have someone to moan about the bad day they have had...If Ds gets sent hme from school again my only outlet is to cry in my car (which happens a lot more than i care to admit)

plus they get that extra time away form the kids....just the five minutes their other halves take the kids to the shops is a welcome break...which we dont get.

ooh dear, you have got me started now

cab · 31/12/2006 00:59

Isabel, I'm just heading for bed and don't really know why i clicked on this - don't have kids with special needs.
Anyway just wanted to give you a huge hug and suggest what you already know: Phone and make an appointment with your gp urgently and tell him those antid's aint working, then SCREAM for help from those friends of yours - tell them you're desperate and need a break NOW.
If you were my sister and I couldn't be around to help I might also suggest an add in a local paper asking to adopt a granny???
Or move closer to the family you already have. You need love and support - but in real life.
xxxxx

Original poster
adamadamum · 31/12/2006 01:00

I am getting paranoid now! have you run out of suggestions, all gone to bed, or have i have offended anyone? Please God not the latter - if so, please tell me how! If you are all on your way to where I should also be, then sweet dreams, stays safe and God Bless, as i say to my darlings...xx

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Original poster
adamadamum · 31/12/2006 01:02

Gordon Ramsay, you two typed fast! haven't read your messages yet, just thought I'd reply - I obviously must increase my typing speed!

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MamazonAKAfatty · 31/12/2006 01:05

lol its the MN adiction...you leanr to type fast so as not to miss anything. it usualy means my posts make no sense as my typing gets worse the faster i go

Original poster
adamadamum · 31/12/2006 01:07

that's why I take my time! But now I am feeling really ignorant - what's MN?

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MamazonAKAfatty · 31/12/2006 01:07

Im off to try and convince Ds that he is tired.

Will catch up again tomorrow, Night XX

MamazonAKAfatty · 31/12/2006 01:08

Mn = Mumsnet

DS = Dear son
DD = Dear daughter
DH = dear husband

you will pick it up as you go along and if you dont know just ask....we were all new once

Original poster
adamadamum · 31/12/2006 01:11

Oi you I said what's MN? Don't ignor me now I'm starting to cheer up!

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Original poster
adamadamum · 31/12/2006 01:12

Der!

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Original poster
adamadamum · 31/12/2006 01:18

I must admit I find it difficult using the abbreviations, does anyone acually mind if I say "daughter" instead of DD or "son" instead of DS etc? I understand them when you all use them, i just feel wierd using them! This isn't my 1st ever message board, nd I DO use them now and then, just when my feelings are pouring out, I just type whatever is easier! xx

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MamazonAKAfatty · 31/12/2006 01:21

no one will mind what you type so long as you dont use text speak and you put your posts into paragraphs so that they are easier to read.

When i first started i had to correct my posts to say Ds and not son as i just typed what i thought but wanted to fit in.

Glad you cheering up though,...told you, once you find MN your never alone

nikkie · 31/12/2006 15:51

Hi, I can totally understand your problems with SS but (a bit nosy) do you claim DLA etc (not sure about age for this) or if you could get direct payments help? you could employ someone to come a couple of nights a week to give you a break or during the day to help?
Its never going to be as easy as having a partner but it might be better than nothing?

MN is very good therapy and feel free to rant as often as you need

Jimjams2 · 31/12/2006 15:59

You may have been unlucky with your SS experience- I dropped ds2 on his head doing something incredibly stupid (put him on a chair then moved the chair) in front of a SW - she didn't bat an eyelid.

If you had direct payments you could get someone in to help with the bedtime routine. An extra pair of hands can be a godsend. My direct payments girl came today- we bought ds1 a new pair of school shoes- it needs 2 people and without help we would have had to arrnage for someone to llook after ds2 and ds3 whilst we took ds1 shopping- far harder. I can understand your reluctance to deal with SS but direct payments can make a huge difference if what you need is hands on practical help. I don't use much of mine for respite, instead I use it for an extra pair of hands and it makes the difference between coping and not coping imo.

glitteryb · 31/12/2006 18:07

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
adamadamum · 01/01/2007 00:33

Hi, thanks for replies, just finally got chance to type child free at 00.26 in 2007. Oh yeah, Happy New Year! I spent from 8pm til about 12.10am trying to get my DD to sleep. She's 4 but more like a 2 yr old with her developmental delay. She has just about always slept like an angel until now! This has been really sudden, just since about 4 days. She climbs out of her cot in her grobag. I really don't think she's ready for a proper bed. Any ideas?

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