lone parenting after husband's affair

[yellowbuttons]

this is my first post to this board and hope its not too moany as I know that a lot of you also have problems you are struggling with!

Due to long term OW I left my husband a few years ago. I see so many stories on the relationship board on this but mostly the women seem to come out the other side within about 6-12 months. However, a few years on I am still massively struggling and despite taking lots of practical steps to improve my situation as well as going to various counsellors and taking antidepressants things just don't seem to be getting any better despite my persistance and I still feel just as bad, and I would say worse since things don't improve but just seem to get stagnate making me more and more despondent. I am just so, so tired of trying without things getting any better.

my DS is lovely but I really struggle to keep a brave / happy face on it and I know that the mask slips at times. This morning his dad and I just had a massive row about the OW and all of the sacrifices that I made for the marriage whilst he (and OW) just seem to come up smelling of roses whilst I am left to shoulder most of the practical and financial consequences from their affair.

And I am fed up of people asking me when I am going to start dating again. I know they mean well but it just makes me feel worse as I couldn't possibly contemplate dating with all the many demands on my time and in any case after DH's betrayal its the last thing I feel like even though I am miserable on my own.

I guess my question is, and it's said in the most gentle way possible, why are you still arguing with him several years later? There really is no point in going over old ground. It's done. I could pick at my ex every single week for something he does or doesn't do or something he did in the past, but I don't...because if I did pick, it would be an argument and I would ultimately end up distressed and upset. Constantly going over old ground won't change anything. But it will drag up old emotions which upset and destroy attempts at moving forwards.

You somehow need to find a way to draw a line and step over it into your future. Yes, you've been left in a difficult situation but what can you do to move forwards? What can you do to secure your own future, reduce debts, build something more secure for you and your son? Don't dwell on what could have been, work on what could be and march towards it.

It doesn't have to be dating. There are other things you can do to meet new people and build a bit of a life away from your son (I assume he spends time with dad?). Think about what you enjoy, are there any groups locally - the 'meet up' website is useful and I have made a few lasting friendships there with people I would never have come across otherwise.

It is easier said than done, but so much of moving on is about your personal mindset. You need to be determined to do it. Find the good in what you do have, not what you don't. Remember the glass is half full at the same time as being half empty. Sometimes it's just a case of seeing the same old shit from a different perspective!

I am sorry if that's stating the obvious. It's really hard - and it takes a long time so above all, don't be hard on yourself.

Four years on I am not ready to date, I was and am still massively hurt by what happened.
Yes DD and I have suffered financially and emotionally by his and OWs actions. However, I recognise that Ex is massively selfish and arguing with him only upsets me. He either can not see that he has been unreasonable or rewrites history to paint himself as the victim. I realised that fighting this was a huge waste of energy.
I have moved forward I have new friends (I joined a choir) and shortly I will have a new home.
I am now in the best revenge is to be happy phase.
It is not easy to get to where I am, but a big step was in choosing not to argue with Ex.

I agree with pp arguing isn't going to help you you need to disengage.
I know its hard, I've been there. It took a few years to feel better, so don't worry about how long it takes. Just focus on taking care of yourself and dc. I'd recommend the book 'leaving him behind' (amazon)

Well it seems like the consensus is that I very much need to disengage from the ex. The ex and I do definitely need more distance between us and some better boundaries in place. I am still so angry with him and the intense anger is something I have never experienced before. Hopefully the anger will subside when I start to disengage. I will look into the book recommendation.

I think I am also going to have to try very hard to not compare my present life to what it would have been. I do try, but when I get setback after setback I find it so hard to remain positive and the gulf between my present life and what it would have been had we remained married is enormous.

I really appreciate the words of encouragement and comfort and its good to know that I am not the only one who has found it a slow process. I was starting to feel rather useless compared to the many posters who seem to have got over it and got their lives back on track within one to two years!

I think it sounds like you are not moving on... It doesn't have to be dating more finding something new for you...