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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

how do you explain to a 3 yr old that Santa can't bring his daddy for christmas

14 replies

TerrbileTwos · 19/12/2006 15:55

my DS who will be 3 in april has asked that santa bring his daddy for Christmas. How do i explain to him that its an impossible wish. My ex and i have had almost zero contact other than 1 email about his family health history (DS was being tested for Asthma and i needed to know prior history) since we split adn i brought DS home to Scotland from austria. I have no idea where his dad is and to be honest i don't really care since he waited till i was 6 months pregnant to tell me he 'didn't want to be a father'
I honestly thought that DS didn't miss him since he's never known him but he has been spending time with my brother and his DS (who is 4 months older) and i think he's started wondering.....

any suggestions will be gratefully receieved

OP posts:

7swansaswimmingup · 19/12/2006 17:47

hi,

tell him he has a special mummy for now and wait till hes a bit older before you explain where nonexistant daddy is. im having this with my 12year old ds at the moment, whos dad didnt want to know. every xmas is the same, ithink its cause mums/dads are mentioned a lot.

good luck and most of all have a fab xmas with your ds

Original poster

TerrbileTwos · 20/12/2006 11:00

Thanks. Its only the third time he has every mentioned his father and it kinda threw me a little. any other time the simple reply of 'daddy is at work far away in austria' has been sufficient to curb his curiosity. But actually asking for Santa to bring him this christmas is a wish i can't (and lets be honest) and don't want to fufill - this christmas on any other christmas for that matter

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PeachyIsNowAChristmasFruit · 20/12/2006 11:24

Have you got any photos you can use to make him a book? I know its recommended for adopted kids as well- an all about me book, and I use it with my non-verbal 3.5 year old to show him people too. just photos, captions etc- may well help. make sure his pic is on the front cover, and leave loads of space for future events and pictures.

sunnysideup · 20/12/2006 11:28

Maybe keep it really simple and tell him that Father Christmas only brings toys! He can't bring people, that's not his job.

As he gets older from now on I personally would be a bit more definite with him than using the 'daddy's at work' thing - perhaps say "we don't know your daddy" or " he went to live in another country before you were born so we don't know him anymore" or something along those lines.

I just think kids think about things so much more deeply than we give them credit for; it won't take him long to question well, if he's at work, when is he coming back here then?

Obviously others might have a different view but I feel being definite with him is the way to go, as it sounds from your post that your ex has no intention of ever being involved.....

Original poster

TerrbileTwos · 20/12/2006 11:30

I have one pic of his father (and not a very clear one at that) but have never spoken about him other than to say that he is working in austria which i assume he is but have heard rumours from friends that he is hiding out at his sister's holiday home on corsica trying to find himself - fgs he's 39 years old!!!!!

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sunnysideup · 20/12/2006 11:31

oh, yes I agree, while it's important for your ds to be clear on what the situation is, it WILL be important to him to know his roots on both sides of the family...so show him pictures of his dad and talk about ways in which he might be connected, like his eyes are similar or whatever.

This is as peachy said, something that's important for adopted or fostered kids, it is good for their sense of identity and therefore their self esteem - we need to know where we came from.

Original poster

TerrbileTwos · 20/12/2006 11:45

Sunny, I have thought of this as a possible scenario for when he is older cos i really don't think that his father will ever be involved at all but at the time it just seemed easier to say that Daddy was working away(DS accepted it cos i have a brother who works away four days a week on a rolling shift pattern.) I just wish i could give him his father for Christmas (let the bampot see what a gorgeous, funny, intelligent, quick-witted and all round unbelievable son he has)

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sunnysideup · 20/12/2006 12:08

I totally see where you're coming from. But I do think kids can understand much more sophisticated, complicated things than we give them credit for actually. I would be more definite with him from now if I was you. But I respect your way of doing things, after all he's your boy, you know him best!

It is such a shame that his dad doesn't want to know. Can I ask if there is any contact at all? And I have to say, if he does contact you in the future please don't punish him for being such an arse by refusing him contact. Your son is likely to want contact and he won't know or care what an arse he has been basically. I think it's penalising the child if you refuse contact outright. But obviously it would have to be done really really sensitively and carefully.

I only say this as have worked lots with split families and sometimes absent parents DO get in touch down the line (when they have 'found themselves' as you put it so well......yeuuuchhh! Makes you want to shake them, doesn't it and say grow up!)

Original poster

TerrbileTwos · 20/12/2006 13:26

sunny
i have always (through third parties) made sure that his dad knows were we are - i even left him my parents address when we left austria so he would know were to contact us - but other than the single email about his family health history (who are all 100 percent fit thank you very much) we have had no contact at all. Various friends have kept me informed as to his whereabouts and what he's up to but i haven't gone out of my way to contact him as i was working on the assumption that when he was ready he would find us. I do fully intend to explain the whole situation to DS when he is old enough to understand but the whole Santa bringing daddy thing just threw me for a loop i think..... TT

OP posts:

MagicGenie · 20/12/2006 13:47

Dear TT

I grew up not knowing my father - Mum was in very similar situation to you...father didn't want to know/have anything to do with me at all.

I soon picked up that other kids had something/someone at home that I didn't and it made me feel strange, and vividly remember asking questions about him. My Mum's stock answers were, "I don't know", "I can't remember", and "I'm not sure". This meant I got programmed not to ask about him, which meant,

a) when my little friends started asking questions about why I didn't have a Dad, I made things up (there was one about him running away with the gypsies once!)

and

b) it stored up big, big problems which exploded between my Mum and me when I got older.

Just wanted to say how much I agree with SSU - be more definite with him - you'll know yourself how to explain something to him appropriately - I think saying something like, "We don't know Daddy anymore" sounds alright.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas together x.

Original poster

TerrbileTwos · 20/12/2006 14:44

Magic

thanks for the reply. I will tell him when he is old enough but think will stick to the daddy doesn't live with us because he works in another country far away answer for now (which is sort of the truth) but since so many families these days have absent parents i'm not worrying too much about what other kids think or say.

will try the santa can only bring presents not people explanation and see what it brings. Curiously since asking about it DS hasn't since mentioned his daddy

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Original poster

TerrbileTwos · 21/12/2006 15:49

DS and I were having our ritual snuggle up on the sofa under the blankie before bedtime - something i look forward to ALL day and were once again tlaking about Santa so i explained to him that santa can't bring people only presents and that because daddy lived so far away it was very hard for us to see him but that it doesn't mean we don't love daddy or he doesn't love us (not sure about this part!) DS seemed quite happy with that explanation but i guess i'll just have to wait and see. Thanks all for your suggestions & ideas on this...

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MagicGenie · 21/12/2006 18:46

TT - Ah....nice snuggle x.

Original poster

TerrbileTwos · 22/12/2006 09:44

Its the highlight of my day Magic!! After a long slog in front of the computer all day dealing with IT problems and '35 year old toddlers' throwing tantrums i love to snuggle up under the blankie with him and just cuddle and laugh and talk about his day at nursery and my day at 'you stinky work' as he calls it. Absolute bliss!! Lost count of the amount of times we have fallen asleep but i certainly think that the stiff neck and dead arm are worth it...... That's my definition of quality time!!

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