Parenting when the Ex Constantly Undermines Or Slags you off to the children

[kitkat2704]

Some advice needed please, I am a father of 2 adorable but also hormonal teenagers, a Boy aged 14 and a girl aged 16. My daughter has some special needs which I really don't want to go into on here.

4 Years ago mum moved out of the family home and the children decided to live with me. I have done my best as a parent for the last 4 years, I made some very early mistakes like talking about mum - (Yes I know Big Mistake and I have learnt from this) at the time I was angry and hurt and the kids told me off for it - I immediately stopped when they said something to me.

About 6 Months ago Mum put in for the divorce and she shared all the details with the kids, how I was taking the house off her - Never mind she hasn't paid a penny towards the mortgage for the last 4 years. She also took a significant amount of money over 12 Months after she moved out.

She informs the children she is entitled to half the house - even though we are all but in negative equity and she wants to take me for all she can get. She is an IT contractor earning more then myself and for the last 4 years has also been claiming the child benefit.

She does contribute in some small ways feeing the kids 4 times approx every week their evening meal and its my job to pay for all the bills washing breakfasts and lunch etc.

The childrens main residence is with myself where they stay overnight 12 in every 14 nights - During the week mum sees the kids for 2 hours per day either 3 or 4 days a week.

I have been interacting with mum on a daily basis to try to involve her in the childrens life's.

however she continually undermines me, If I punish the kids for doing something wrong, she will praise them, She tells them she wont back me up on anything because she doesn't agree with a word I say - She slags me off continually behind my back to the kids and although they have asked her to stop time and time again she continues.

I took the kids too and got involved with family councilling who suggested it would be a good idea for me and mum to have a private session out of 6 sessions we only managed 1 jointly with the kids as mum refused to attend when I was present saying she was unable to talk to me.

it appears to be coming to a head this week as I made an application for the Child Benefit - which she has been claiming for the last 4 years and this has given her even more reason to slag me off to the kids.

She continually tells them I have done nothing for her or I am a bad parent, or I am controlling and manipulating the kids. Today my daughter broke down in tears and said that she wanted mum to stop slagging me off but no matter what she asks she wont do it, my daughter says that mum hates me and will never stop.

My daughter has told me also that mum is continually telling them to leave me because I am just manipulating them to hate her, My son is starting to fall for some of the rubbish she is pouring into them, but wants it to stop too.

Can someone help me with some advice please, Is there anyway I can get this to stop - My daughter wants to carry on seeing mum and has told her she will stop seeing her if it continues - But this has had no impact whatsoever and I know deep down she wants to continue seeing mum.

Any advice is gratefully received.

Your children are coming to the age where they will see for themselves who does what...

I would Stop trying to involve her in things she isn't going to support you...

I would be encouraging the children to separate out their arrangement.. Tell them no matter what there mum says you love them and will always support them to have a relationship with their mum.. Discount what she says...

Also at 14 and 16... I would explain the reality of the situation re the house...without slagging mum off..You can say this house is in negative equity so she is welcome to half of minus ...pounds..

I really feel for you as i am in the same boat but with my ex. I have 3 kids one with special needs, my ex is constantly moaning and telling lots of lies to our daughter who is 14, he sees her about 1 weekend a month, but totally ingores our other lads i know they are 22,21 but the favours my daughter over them. He makes out he a great dad. And always said he would never talk about me to the kids. Clearly he forgot this.
I hope in future your children will see how toxic their mum was. I had a mental health breakdown in 2021 and instead of supporting me, he walked away.

I feel for you. The good thing is that at their age they should see through her BS (though I know you say your daughter has special needs - not sure if this has an impact?). She will always be their mum and they may be conflicted about how they feel about things, and so sometimes it may seem as they are believing her crap. But trust their wits, they're not gullible at this age. It may be just difficult for them to acknowledge that their mum is not a very nice person and so they want to believe in her stories - while deep down they probably know she's twisted. Try and support the children no matter what, and they will gravitate towards you, not her.

My best advice is to keep your side of the street clean - don't focus on her (as hard as it may be), focus on your children and giving them the best start to life as you can. Don't talk about her to the kids - including the bad things. Make it clear that your undivided focus is on them, not her. For example when the kids repeat to you the negative things the mother has said about you, just say "she must be mistaken, what actually happened is xyz". Try be calm when saying this to them, and explain only briefly. Hear them out, give a very quick explanation how things really are. Remember to acknowledge that it must be hard for them to hear whatever bad things mother said about you, ask how they are and how they feel about it. Then move on, talk about other things going on in their lives.

"I have been interacting with mum on a daily basis to try to involve her in the childrens life's."

This isn't good at all. Not for you, not for the children. Limit your communication with her as much as you can - to be honest as the kids are this age, realistically you shouldn't need to speak with the mother at all. Honestly, not a word. The mother should arrange the visits with the kids directly, if she's interested in their schooling etc she can speak with the schools herself, etc. I'd text max twice a month, but that's all that is needed. I have step children younger than your kids, and this is how often we speak with their mother. Just read through the crap she sends, have a little giggle how lucky you are to have divorced her, and don't reply. She will try and whip a third world war level emergency out of a bruised knee, just to elicit a reaponse, but learn to take a breath and really think if her message really needs a response. 99% of the time it doesn't. What will happen if you don't reply? She gets angry? So what, she seems permanently angry and bitter anyway, so what does it matter!! And remember, "no" or "yes" is a full sentence.

She's a narcissist to the core. Unless you already have, read on narcissist personality disorder. Does she fit the bill?

Best of luck xx

Pearly