Hi..
I'm having a difficult time at the moment with regards to my children and their dad..
I have had a CAF/TAC open since October this year. The referral was made due to issues raised by my youngest son (11) at school within his nurture group (with regards to visits to his dad). These are in addition to ongoing issues over the last 5-10 years with the boys dad. I have tried numerous times over the years to address the issues with my ex husband, but to no avail. My ex was invited to the TAC but didn't show. The family worker (the TAC lead) has requested to meet with him on several occasions but my ex has not responded. Finally I took things into my own hands and consulted a solicitor. The solicitor suggested I write him a letter with regards to contact and to propose contact arrangements. This is the letter I sent...
21st December 2015
Dear Antony
I am writing this letter to you with regards to the current contact arrangements with our boys. Unfortunately the current situation is not acceptable as the boys feel both unhappy and unsafe whilst in your care, which I feel is detrimental to their health and wellbeing.. Quality of time with you, sleeping arrangements, and general living environment, are some of the issues which the boys have voiced to the family support worker and CBT therapist, hence the CAF being opened and the TAC in place. I am concerned that this is having a negative impact on them and is resulting in the deterioration of their relationship with you. I very much wish for you to have a positive relationship with the boys so they can both benefit from spending time with you, in an environment in which they feel safe and secure.
It seems reasonable for me to rearrange the contact over the next 6 months to scheduled dates/times (details below) and to ask you to commit to taking the boys on these dates with a view to seeing how the arrangement works and making changes as the situation improves. I am happy to meet with you along with the Family Care Practitioner (Sergio Paya-Borrull) as part of the CAF/TAC to discuss the issues that are a cause for concern for me, and a sense of unhappiness for the boys. The revised contact arrangements will remain in place until the situation improves and the improvements are sustained.
New Years Eve the boys will be ready for you to collect from my parents at 4.30pm and I will collect them at 12.30am from the venue your at, so they can enjoy the New Year celebrations with you. They will be ready for you to collect on New Years Day at 2.30pm to be returned to my parents by 6.30pm. With effect from 2nd January 2016 (following the seasonal period) the contact arrangements will be as stated below, will remain in place, as stated above.
It is not in my interest to upset you or cause you any difficulties, I simply wish to work towards rebuilding your relationship with the boys and vice versa, which will benefit all of us in the long term. The arrangements I am offering are in place so that a good relationship between you and the boys can be re-established, built upon, and maintained.
I hope that we can work with each other to ensure our children have the best relationship possible with both parents as they grow up.
With kind regards
Sarah
21st December 2015
Proposed contact:
New Years Eve - 4.30pm untill 12.30am pick up from my parents and I will collect at 12.30am.
New Years day - 2.30pm until 6.30pm pick up from my parents and return to my parents.
From 2nd January 2016:
Every other weekend:
Away from the home environment.
Saturday afternoon/evening (to be returned to my parents by 8pm)
Sunday afternoon (to be returned to my parents by 6.30pm)
And for you to spend some time alone with just the boys during these visits.
The boys would really like you to continue to attend their events (football or otherwise) to support/watch them when you are able to.
I sent the letter on Monday and have had no response, and to be honest I don't expect to. My problem now though is my boys informed me this morning that on their last visit (weekend just gone) their dad and step mum were questioning them and telling them they have to do what they say and that your mum (me) can't do anything about it. I told my boys that I have rearranged the contact and my youngest got really upset as he only wants to visit on a Sunday and isn't interested in spending time with his dad over new year and doesn't want to spend time anywhere near his step mum, he stormed off very angry with me. My oldest (12) wants to see his dad and wants to go as per the proposal.
As I have already sent the letter via email, I am worried about emailing again and making further changes re my youngest visiting his dad.
I just want my boys to be happy and though they love and want to see their dad, neither are happy with the way they are treated when they're there. They don't say anything to their dad as they don't want to upset him. But every time I try to relay their worries my ex tells me my boys or I are lying etc.
Sorry if none of this makes much sense, I just not sure what to do anymore?? Any advice would be most grateful x