What would be fair? Started in relationship thread by mistake.

[Harra]

Dear MNers, am just starting the painful process of splitting with my P. We have a wonderful 10month ds.
I am currently at my mothers as had a recent op so cannot look after ds alone. My xp is a wonderful dad and adores our ds and is very competent and capable of looking after ds.
What is reasonable re xp's access for ds? He would happily have sole custody (obviously that is not an option) I have read and understood (though could be wrong) on similiar threads that overnight stays are not recommended with children under 2. However I would feel uncomfortable not letting him have ds overnight as he had done recently with me being in hospital. I was breastfeeding (formula if I went out), however due to op this has tailed down, am bf when I can though ds is having formula too. I am aiming to go back to work 4 days a week in March.
What can I expect maintance wise? Is it 15% of net earnings (we are not married)? Also my xp has given up work to start a new business. He does however have several properties which TBF are mortgaged to the hilt. So equity wise - rich enough but income wise poor - How would maintanance be calculated? Again I want to be fair.
Hope someone can help. I am reluctant to start with solicitors, mediators at this point as I won't be entitled to legal aid and my xp is a litigation lawyer and I am not expecting an easy time.
Thanks for reading.

I get that feeling too SM about him trying to goad me. I have been to the CAB and read loads of stuff and I'm sure it seemed to me from that, that as you say they view access and finances very differently. I know it is early days and I think my xp is still very angry re break up - despite being my decision - I know it is the right one (I am already so much happier without his constant drip drip of negativity to me and angry outbursts). I think that like your poor dh, court might end up being the only option. I will be going to mediation on my own on Monday. Xp is then supposed to make his own appointment and then we go together. Roll on 8 years later!!

So furious, CSA have written to me today and my xp doesn't have to pay me anything as his net income is below £5 - WTF. Do they not assess his assets - over £1.3 million in property, over £100,000 in the bank?(he must have put in someone else's name.) I know he is a devious B***d.
Now do I go back to the solicitor at £180 per hour plus VAT (no I don't get legal aid)?
Had to get that off my chest.

The CSA are crap if there is anything unusual in the case. It has taken over a year to get any type of agreement between me and X and he still isnt paying properly. He is self employed and has hidden his income. This is not about me but our children.

The only resource you have is to go to court for a financial settlement and get some money from his assets there.

Sorry this is being so hard. Surfermum is right about court polarising things and making them worse. Cant talk about my case here as X stalks me on here but the whole thing has been enormously stressful for us all and especially the kids who are a lot older than yours.

Thanks for responding so quickly glitterfairy. Just feel really desperate at the mo - don't want to be at my mums for every - I'm 37 FGS. Looks like court is the next step with all the anxt and stress that will bring.

I didnt feel any anxiety over the finances to be honest. It was boring and I didnt really care. It was and still is the kids whihc is hard.

I was going once a month at one stage and thought they would invite me to their christmas party . At first I was very nervous but now it is water off a ducks back. Things have changed as well adn got much better for both me and the children. They are being listened to at last and that has empowered them and made them much happier about the whole thing.

I dont know if this is going to help, but a friend of mine recently was in the same situation a lot of wealth but little income and you can ask the CSA to assess his life style if he is living above the means of someone with an income of 5K this can be taken into consideration for making a claim, in your case it sounds like you have grounds for this.

I think I would see a soicitor even for the free half hour to ask about how much your child is entitled to

Thanks for the replies, at least my ds is too little to know what is going on - so you are right glitterfairy, it is just the money. Will look at the deed of variation which is what you are referring to sniff - thought the CSA would have done that automatically.

Harra - you've been so reasonable, what a shame for your ex that he didn't realise when he was on a good thing, either while you were together or since you left. I'm going through similar difficulties myself and the most frustrating thing is by STBXH knows full well that maintenance can't be backdated, so he just stalls and stalls.

It's a long slog, I think. Hope things are moving forward for you.

This is exacly like my situation.

My XP has DS 2 nights every week (same 2 days). He has done since DS was 10 months and we split. It doesn't seem to have done DS any harm? certainly i didnt know about the 'under 2' thing..

Maintenance wise - I am entitled to 15% plus £5 a week (random) which was recommended by a solicitor. BUT XP actually gives me nearly double that!! Simply because he got a great mortgage and so can afford to.
We went to see a solicitor as we were unmarried and XP wanted to sign the parental rights agreement (giving him equal rights) and I agreed, as altough it takes full control away from me, it is fair. And XP, like your, is a wonderful dad, more than competent and would also take full custody if he could (but he wouldnt take him away from me!)

I would recommend seeing a solicitor, but like you, i couldnt get legal aid and so it was pretty expensive!! Good for peace of mind.

Also - we have worked out our maintenance
ourselves, didnt invlove the CSA. Mush more amicable and friendly, and totally fine if you can trust your XP.
Maybe you could talk to him and try and do it that way? Surely he would want to give you what you need for the sake of your child.

And XP'd family live abroad and I let him take DS over to visit as much as he can, (usually about a week or a few days every couple of months) As they are every bit as important to DS as my family are, IMO.

Thanks for your posts. Mrsmcv, I think maintanence gets backdated from when the CSA make contact with the father. Currently we are going to a joint mediation session soon - though my xp does not want to discuss money!!!! Lets hope a third party will see how unreasonable that is. Sent off the deed of variation to the CSA. Have spoken to them since and they want the addresses and mortgage details of all my xp's properties. When I asked xp for these - funnily enough he did not want to give them to me. Told this to the CSA and they said that the onus was on me to find out!!! Bit of a row with them and they are going to 'see what they can do'. I'm not holding my breath and am sure we will end up in court at some stage.
Found myself a little 2 bedroomed maisonette with a garden so sale is going through - will be very tight for cash but I know I am much better off than some single mums. Thank you for your comments - I like to think I am being reasonable and my sister, like you, really wanted to give my xp a good shake to make him realise what a good thing he was onto when we were together as I did try really hard.
BassMama - your xp sounds great - Why did you split?? Unfortunately my xp is not reasonable and yes he should want to give me money for our ds because he adores him but is is very angry and bitter, feels that my mum is too blame for us splitting up (in fact blames anyone and anything except himself) and as I am living with her at the moment he will not pay a penny. When I move out it might change - but that is not the point - he should be financially resposible for ds no matter what my situation is.
The longer things go on the clearer things get in my head. It is a long slog - good luck mrsmcv.

So angry, xp has made me feel like a right cow - he wanted to borrow the smaller buggy that I have (from my sister) for the weekend when he takes ds as he is giving his sister and partner a lift to Isle of Wight too and thinks he may not have enough room for the buggy he has. He has a BMW estate. His mother has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I said no as he has not contribuated a penny since we split up, he started going on about how I had walked out etc. It seems so petty and I'm really not like that. Just had to have a rant.

Finally got an amount from the CSA - over £100 per week. Now all I need to do is get xp to pay it!!!! The 3 letters I wrote to the Chief Executive seemed to have paid off. The CSA are soooo polite to me now when I call and always return my phone calls. However xp is taking me to court for more access - so if he doesn't pay he will look very stupid I think.