DS cba to spend time with his Dad anymore and I'm feeling guilty about it

[GeorgieCallahan723]

Ex DH and I divorced 8 years ago when DS was 8 because Ex DH had an affair.

Ex DH is and always has been a great father, but the divorce has always effected how DS has treated him over the years.

When Ex DH introduced him to his now SM, (same woman he was having an affair with) DS was utterly horrid to her and then simply tolerated her over the years. He's never invited SM or her 2 children, his half siblings to anything, doesn't speak about them unless it's to mock them and tends to just stay in his room glued to his phone until he's forced to join in with them.

He is unfortunately the step child from hell. E.G when they took him away on a trip to America, he was very vocal about not wanting to go but then he's always vocal about doing anything with them. He went out of his way to make everyone miserable, complained about everything, disliked everything etc

When he was introduced to my new DH when he was 10 he was a little angel and continues to be so for new DH.

He's always asked new DH to do things with him that would have been more appropriate to ask his dad to do, ex DH always tagged along without a single complaint.

We don't live too far from each other, so DS started travelling alone at aged 12, he goes to his dad's Friday after school and comes home Sunday night and on holidays they tend to have him for the whole time except Christmas where we alternate and Summer we split, 3 week with each of us.

2 years ago, DS started complaining that he was never free on weekends because he was stuck at his Dads, who always wanted to drag him to do things together. I told him to suck it up and go and that he was lucky to have a Dad who loved to do things with him. Which is probably the only nice thing I've ever said about Ex DH to him.

He kept up with the visits but over the past few months he's slowly began cutting back on them, he's 16 now and I've demanded he go and only after a lot of back talk will he actually do it.

Ex DH suggested if the weekend visits were no longer to his liking, they could meet up once or twice during the week to do something together but DS has blown him off on numerous occasions and when dragged there, his behaviour is down right rude.

I honestly don't think I can do anything more but I do know that over the years I could have done far more to help their relationship but have chosen to just opt out as it didn't directly effect my relationship with my DS, so I'm feeling guilty.

Your son has made his own mind up, did he know that she was the ow? He probably sees them as the people who spoilt his family, especially as he didn't have the same attitude to your dh. He's old enough now that you won't be able to influence greatly over this.

@lunar1 Yes, he knows she's the one and it's clear that the two of them will never get on because of his behaviour and that treatment extends to his half siblings but I'd always assumed he'd warm up to his Dad as time went on but the opposites happened, I think partly because he's had the new DH to rely on over the years. Ex DH has never complained but I can see he's at his whits end, DS wants absolutely nothing to do with him in any capacity and will most likely cut off all contact within the next few months, which makes me feel bad even though I know I'm in no way to blame for any of it.

Regardless of circumstances, there seems to be a natural teenage stage of not wanting to do things with family. Hell would have frozen over before my DS would have gone out with family at that age unless food/shopping bribes were offered.

Where parents are separated, it's tricky for teenagers because the 'absent' parent wants to maximise their time with their children so wants to do trips, talk, spend 'quality time', when in a two - parent household, most teenagers are in their rooms being anti - social, or out with their friends. I can see this starting to happen with one of my stepchildren as she hits that age, and there's no bad history there.

@keeptrudging Sadly I think this isn't just a teenage phase, DS would rather eat hot coal then spend any time with his Dad but would after being bribed spend time with me or his step Dad. It seems like he genuinely dislikes his Dad and I've watched the dislike grow over the years (he sat in the car at his dad's wedding reception for almost 2 hours, kept pulling faces in the pictures, so they don't have a decent one with him at all. Lied to me about inviting his Dad to various events over the years, this started at 11 and then resulted in me having to tell ex DH every time he had a match or a doctors appointment, "lost" his passport last Christmas on the day he was due to fly out with Ex Dh and his family, this resulted in Ex DH and him staying in the UK for Christmas. SM was furious, which delighted DS. He tells people he's an only child, which I suppose isn't that big of a deal as he has been raised as an only child but when his new PE Teacher asked if his Dad liked football last week, he said that his Dad was dead but that his step Dad liked football. Only found out because he thought it was such a funny thing to say and that I would laugh along.

It seems that the more Ex DH tries, the more DS runs for the hills and I've stayed out of it because the situation was fine for me, which is why I suppose I feel guilty about now.

I'm hoping as he gets older, he'll realise life isn't black and white and will be more open to having a relationship with his Dad.