So what do you do when exp takes the kids out?

[harman]

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Ive got my ex coming to spend time with dd tomorrow. I really hate him, and have to make an effort to talk to him

If I were you, either go shopping or do something for you. Don't do housework or anything. Just have some you time and just chill out

Why have you GOT to let him take them out? As its the first time since you left, could you insist on you supervising?

Actually that's a very good point wobblyknicks. If you're not comfortable with it, see if you can go along with him, and just explain since he hasn't showed much "interest" (as in hardly ever taken them out before) before hand then you would feel more at ease if you went along.

You shouldnt feel bad for leaving if you think you've done it for the right reasons.

I just thought of that because when I left UH I felt obligated to let him take dd out (on his own) even though he showed very little interest and had never had her on his own. The one night he was really arsey and went off with her and didn't go where he said he was and had his mobile, his home phone and his parents phones (and mobiles) all turned off so I didn't have a clue what was going on. I ended up getting the police involved but then it hit me that I WAS allowed to deny him unsupervised access - it was only the access he was entitled to, not the on his own bit.

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Aww harman. If he says anything, just ignore him. It's not like you're putting a stop to him seeing the children altogether. I was always worried that ex would run off with dd, but I didnt think he would do it. Just make the most of the time you have to yourself is all I can really suggest

I'm sure it will be tough saying goodbye to the kids.

BUT.... think yourself lucky that the kids have a father to go out with, and that you get a whole day by yourself. As a widowed single parent, this isn't a luxury I get very often. I can think of about 10 million things I could do with a day in my house by myself if only I had that opportunity.

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Aww harman, you'll be fine. Just make the most of your day, and look forward to hearing what your children have been up to when they get back.

Im waiting for ex to come around
but luckly I got dp coming round when he's gone

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How did it go harman? Was thinking about you, hope yesterday wasn't too bad.

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Oh dear harman, please don't think noone cares! Its just a bit of a lottery on here wehther people are online and if they see your thing (I have the 25 latest messages set, so tend not to see things unless they are bumped up). My excuse is I was away for the weekend, other people may well have been too.
Glad it went OK and the kids weren't upset except at the end. Goodbyes are always a bit traumatic - think of all the threads on here about kids cryig when droppped off at nursery and stopping as soon as you've actually left!
Don't know your situation at all so can't comment on whether you should have left or not - I suppose my basic position is people should stay unless its abusive in some way, but that can mean all sorts of things and only you know whether you are being selfish or justified - and presumably you think you're doing the right thing or you wouldn't have done it, so don't waste time worrying about it know unless re-evaluating the decision and going back is a real option you are considering.
Hope it goes well and you are both able to stay polite and amicable as you sort out arrangements.

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Hi harman, so sorry you felt that MN let you down. I read your original thread about your worries that ex p was taking the kids out and I really felt for you. I wasn't on MN yesterday afternoon, but I did think about you and wonder how it was going. I guess on Sunday afternoons a lot of people are away from their computers.

It must be really hard for you at the moment, but remember that you are doing what you think is best for you and the kids and take strength in that. I can't offer any practical advice as I've never been in your situation, but please don't feel abandoned.

Thinking of you xx

Harman

I am sorry you are feeling so alone. I am new to the site and had read past messages about your relationship but didnt realise you had actually left - I think it is very brave of you to do what you feel is right. Unfortunately the children will find it tough but I dont think you can stay when you are not happy and it sounds as if you have really tried to make it work. I amsure you must be terrified especially financially but I just hope things start to look more positive for you. My partner and I split up last year for about 2 months and it was scary so thats all I have to base what you are going through on (which I know isnt completely the same!)Tbh although we a re back together things are still rocky and when I was reading your posts they helped me because I realised I can go if things get too bad so you did help me. I dont have any friends who are single mums or know any couples who have split so its hard to know what to do and I am sure you feel very alone. Feel free to keep posting and I will be willing to listen if nothing else. Stay strong.

I'm so sorry that you felt let down harman - I'm personally sorry I didn't read your thread yesterday but I find it really hard keeping up with threads unless I see them in Active Conversations. I usually catch up with stuff 2 weeks late - but that's no excuse, I'm sorry.

I haven't read all of your story but people on MN definitely do care, its just chance whether they get a chance to post or not. If you want to talk, email me anytime and I'll reply as soon as I'm online. Rest assured, people really do care, just sometimes they get out of the loop and don't know what to post.

Oh Harman, I'm so sorry you felt we'd let you down. I have been keeping up with your thread but I have no real experience of your awful situation, so I didn't feel I could post anything - but that doesn't mean I was unsympathetic. And I certainly don't think you deserve less support cos you left
I hope things feel a bit better for you today
Hugs
Lisa
xxx

Harman, I didn't read this thread because it's in the lone parents section, and I'm not a lone parent so I didn't think I'd have anything to contribute. Had I known it was you I would certainly have posted something to try and cheer you up a bit. Do you not think that there must be lots of your mn friends who wouldn't always even read certain messages in certain topic areas? Post on chat next time!

I have been where you are and it's not pleasant trying to get used to the new status quo. Perhaps it might be an idea to get a formal agreement about ex p's contact with the kids. Then you'll never need to worry about his disappearing with them. If he ever tried anything you would be able to prove that your kids should have been back by a certain time and get immediate backup from the police if he is ever late.

In the long term, you might enjoy the freedom that their visits with him afford you. I used to go out and not worry about what time I got home, sleep late in the morning, have friends round etc.

Please DON'T feel guilty. You did what you had to do and with you to love them your kids will be fine. You know deep down that for them to live with warring parents was no good. And your happiness is important too. You can be a better mum if you are happier, and you will be happier now you have your life back.

Harman I did see this thread title yesterday afternoon but assumed it was a light-hearted sort of "should I go and get a manicure or go to the gym" kind of thing from the title, as I have no exp and don't know about that sort of thing I just assumed it was not aimed at me. I'm really sorry, don't feel that mumsnet is letting you down - maybe you need to post more obvious thread titles - if I have something I really need support with I usually put the word Help or something in the title, or make it clear eg my recent "Worried about my dog - she has a lump" thread.

Glad it all went ok in the end yesterday - I can't imagine how scary it must be letting your kids out with your exp for the first time.

The toing and froing can be upsetting whichever end of it you are on, but that's life really - and I speak as a stepmother who does know how painful it is - my dh used to cry after taking his - crying- daughter back to her mum at weekends. But it gets better. I agree, make the most of when the kids aren't there - plan yourself treats. Also, being forced into a one on one relationship with the kids might actually make your ex into a better dad, and that will be good for the kids. I'm sure you wouldnt have done this if you didn't think it would eventually be for the best. But let your children be upset when they come home - my dh's ex used to shout at their daughter when she cried because she missed her dad. What she needed was a cuddle and a bit of understanding and then to do something fun. She would have been fine with that (not saying you'd be cruel btw, just saying, it's better IMO to acknowledge that they are sad, comfort them and then cheer them up with a happy activity - tv supper, a card game, a video together or a special something to eat. We still have sad moments when dsd doesn't want to leave at the end of a weekend, but they do pass and she is a very happy, wonderful girl.

How old are the children btw?