Going out - do you? and how?

[essbee]

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I try to go out once every fortnight. Partly because one of my mates is always asking me to go out with her. My mum looks after dd, and sometimes my sister.

You're not asking the impossible. You're just like the rest of us who want a break and to just let your hair down as you say.

Do you have family who can look after your kid/s?

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What about your paid sitter? is she a proper baby sitter?

essbee - I have a standing appointment with a sitter for 2 nights a month (every other Thursday). By doing that, I can schedule evening out with friends, theatre tickets, etc on those pre-designated nights. MUCH easier than committing to something, and then scrambling around hoping a sitter is available when I need her. If I want to go out more than that, or even go away for an evening, I plan far in advance. Like you, I can't/don't rely on family, so all my evenings out are cost of activity plus cost of sitter. Can be quite expensive, but then I don't do it very much.

essbee, I just think it is so unfair that all your family will not babysit. Oh I am fuming on your behalf. I have no family in london so the only free babysitter I have is dh and that's not a perfect solution, I can tell you.

But if I had family nearby I would be gutted if they couldn't help me with a night off once a month or so. Unless your siblings have loads of real commitments (evening jobs, young babies) they jolly well should do more for you. Your circumstances have changed - you are living alone. It might have been ok once to not babysit, but now it's different. Do they realise what you have been through? I know you have issues with your own parents (I remember reading other threads) but what about his parents? Is there any chance you can get them sitting sometimes - it gives them the opportunity for time with their grandchild after all and it's not as if you have lots of children or a newborn baby. Babysitting a little boy occasionally is not that demanding.

I don't know if you have talked about babysitting with your siblings or PILS since you have split up with your dh, but I would be furious on your behalf if you have and they still won't give you the odd night off.

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essbee, could you join or form a babysitting circle with friends who have similar age children? I know you're not available during the evening to go out to babysit to earn tokens but could you maybe have a friend's child overnight or during the day/weekend to earn tokens? Then you'd use those tokens to pay for someone to sit yours for an evening/night. Have you made friends with any other single parents? If so, might any of them be interested in a reciprocal arrangement like this? (she has yours and then you have hers) If you explained to your sisters how much you need some time to yourself might they help? It does seem awful that they're so near and yet so unhelpful.

I am sorry your sisters are always so 'busy'. As they live so nearby, and are presumably young and active I really think they could and should help you more.

Do you think your family and inlaws see you as 'coping so bravely considering' That can be such a dangerous assumption. Different circumstances, but I've had that one made of me when actually I was not coping at all, just keeping my head above water and I think I was very near to breaking down, but no one realised it, because I was keeping things going, just. I really wish I had made more fuss about how unbalanced my life was and how, you know, I really wanted some fun just sometimes time to relax, normal things - the things they did. Do your sisters think you are some sort of mummy angel who doesn't ever need time off? If you suspect this, tell them straight how bored and frustrad you are with no prospect of going out at all unless you pay someone to look after your children. I mean, they don't have to babysit at weekends necessarily, if they have busy social lives - but just sometimes during the week. Once a month would make a difference. Then at weekends you could pay a babysitter or swap with someone else. It just eases the load a bit for you. I don't know your family of course, and am assuming you could have this sort of conversation more easily with your sisters than you parents or your PILS. But whatever the case, I'd advise you strongly to have that conversation with whoever is the most suitable. Don't let everyone think you are soldering on, and that you have grown to accept that you don't need a social life of your own.

If they don't help after all that, ok you've tried. But make them really aware you want and need just a bit more support from them, so they can't walk away ignorant and guilt free.

And at the same time build up reciprocal arrangements - any chance of starting a babysitting circle at your son's school?

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Really glad you are going to have that talk, essbee. Hope it goes well. Even if they commit to just a little at first, once they get into the swing of it, they could well do more. This happened with my PILS. Initially reluctant to take ds1 for a holiday when I was expecting ds2, things were so enjoyable that holidays became regular fixtures.

PS sorry I forgot you had two children, not one.

Hi Essbee, im in a similar position to you and dont get out much... ok very very rarely and tend to plan 3 months ish in advance! My mother lives 40 miles away and my Inlaws are in australia! so a bit far to help. but would if they could! My two babysitting neighbours are used up on extras, as a student nurse when im on placement I work long shifts and nights so DD needs to be collected amd dropped at chreche, cared for over night and some weekends too! all in all its not as much as it sounds but enough for me not to want to ask for any more! So my plan involved takinga bold step and checking in the proccess who my 'truest' friends are, With the exception of one mate who is a pub manager all my other friends come to me for a night out! Its amazing how much fun a bottle of wine... or three and aa chick flic can be! With a couple alos on low incomes ill split their taxi home and collect them in the morning to get there cars back from mine! Now summers here the bbq hasnt been cold! Beer has flowed and ok so i dont get to meet anyone new, and nights out to the pub are few and far between but it has helped me seperate the wheat from the chaff amongst my mates!
Hope that helps!?

Reading this makes me feel I've got a wild social life - I go out on average once a month and use a student babysitter or my mum is she staying with me (mo family close by). Can empathise with how selfish people are about offering to sit - I just asked one of my oldest friends who lives over the road and has no kids of her own if she would sit for me once a month. I always put ds to bed before I go out so all she would have to do is sit and watch my TV, and SHE SAID NO!!! Needless to say she is now an X-friend.

Am v. dubious about reciprocal arrangements - not sure I want to go out so much I'd want to look after someone else's kid as well as my own for a night!