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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

dd's relationship with her dad - please help

16 replies

Devora · 29/10/2015 22:22

I'm not actually a lone parent, but hope you don't mind me posting here as I think this is where the expertise will be...

My dd is 10, I have never lived with her father. She stays with him every other weekend and he comes over for Sunday lunch the other weekends. There have never been arguments about this contact and he has always paid (pretty generous) child support. He is a very dedicated dad and a good man.

But. Our relationship has always been polite, but also slightly tense. I find him inflexible and moody. I think he finds me controlling; or maybe, he just finds the situation controlling, as I am kind of in charge of the most important thing in his life.

Over the last year dd has been complaining more and more often that her dad doesn't like her, that he always seems annoyed with her. Though I would never say this to her, I have to say that it looks like that to me too. He seems to jump down her throat constantly. He's also very unsympathetic to the fact that increasingly she is getting social opportunities on the weekends that she wants to go to. For him, weekend access = being at his house, mixing with his friends. He's not willing to bring her back for parties or clubs (it's about half an hour each way).

Anyway, she has been increasingly upset about this situation and so a couple of days ago I emailed him about it. I kept the email short, just said that this was what she had been saying for some months and as he knows she tends to bottle things up but I knew he would want to know. Since then: silence. He hasn't acknowledged the email. When I tried to ring him he didn't pick up the phone.

So, can I ask for some advice?

Did I do the wrong thing, sending this email?

What should I do now?

Looking longer term, at what age do children get some say in their social arrangements with the NRP, so that access is negotiated for mutual convenience? (I am NOT hoping to reduce her contact with him, btw.)

Apologies for the length of the post...

OP posts:

starlight2007 · 29/10/2015 22:34

I don't think you are wrong for raising it..I would imagine it is very hard for your daughter to tell this to her Dad.

She is approaching the age where her opinion is taken into account..

When does he see her again? Maybe he wants to talk to her about it?

I do think spending 3 of her weekend days with her Dad is tying her down a lot at her age

Original poster

Devora · 29/10/2015 22:39

Thank you, starlight. She's due to see him again Sunday, but only for lunch - she won't be going to his till the weekend after. Should I try to get him to talk to me before she goes to his? Or just think, ok I've raised it, up to him now to act or not as he sees fit, and just be in tenterhooks till she gets back hoping he'll be nice to her?

I don't think he'll be really horrible to her, but I'm worried he'll just tell her she's being stupid and tell her off for telling me. Nothing will be resolved, she'll be crushed and I'll have achieved nothing except wrecking our relationship

OP posts:

starlight2007 · 29/10/2015 23:04

Its a hard one to answer as I don't know him..

I don't know many people who will Say thank you for letting me know..So maybe leave him with it..It is I assume only for a couple of hours..You can take it from there when she comes back.

I doubt you will ruin your relationship...If she is upset you can explain you were trying to make things better for her. I am not sure where you go from here if it doesn't work. I think you are going to have to speak to your DD about what she wants to happen

cestlavielife · 30/10/2015 15:44

he comes to yours for lunch? so you can see what goes on yoursself?

cestlavielife · 30/10/2015 15:45

i think she can start emailing him to say eg dead dad, this saturday my friend has invited me to do xxx so is it ok if i come to yours after? you can pick me up at xx o clock.

RandomMess · 30/10/2015 15:48

Perhaps it's just time to change the contact altogether.

Could she not go one weekday overnight every week and then there be more flexibility over the weekends to she can sometimes go to parties etc?

Original poster

Devora · 30/10/2015 18:22

cestlavielife, yes I see them together every week, and though I don't think he's horrible or abusive I think he is (too) frequently irritated and short with her. He tells her off a lot, even cutting over me when I'm talking with her to tell her off. She is very sensitive and he always tells her she's a drama queen (which to be fair she often is, but that doesn't mean that it's helpful to constantly tell her so). He wants to go out for lunch with her every week but is always angry that she's a picky eater. I have no doubt he loves her very much, but I think he's got into bad habits in venting his irritation and generally being down on her. He never really looks happy to see her.

RandomMess, yes I think you're right that the arrangement needs to be more flexible. Quaking inside at having that conversation though!

Anyway, I emailed him today to ask if he's ok and if we'll see him Sunday. Curt response to say yes to Sunday. So we'll just have to see how that goes. I guess his reaction at this point, and how he discusses it with her, will be pivotal in how their relationship develops from here. Just hope he's thinking it through properly.

Many thanks all for your help.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/10/2015 21:20

I would correspond with him about it and remind him that she is older now and a mid week over night or whatever would be so much more doable etc. so it doesn't seem that you are reducing contact mainly changing the nature of it IYSWIM.

Why are you quaking at the thought?

Original poster

Devora · 30/10/2015 23:01

I suppose I'm worried that this will open a fissure and his anger will erupt.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 31/10/2015 22:06

His anger is his problem .
If he explodes make sure he not in your house

starlight2007 · 01/11/2015 21:50

How Did lunch go?

Original poster

Devora · 01/11/2015 23:01

Not one word was said! I guess he will discuss with dd next weekend, when she will be at his place. I have to say, though, that he was a lot nicer to her today, so fingers crossed this will turn out to be positive.

Thanks for asking

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 02/11/2015 14:08

I may have missed the boat on this but could you email him again (say you've been mulling it over and how much happier she seemed with contact on Sunday - don't specify why) and say that as DD gets older their relationship will change and you'd really like to help that as its beginning to change already.

Say that you get it is a real pain to bring her back for stuff she needs to do closer to home but if he could do that occasionally it would help move their relationship into a new phase and might help as she becomes a teenager.

Ask if he has any suggestions or if she has a party "his" weekend if he would prefer a week night instead so she can go to the party.

Ultimately you can't make it work (though appreciate at her age that you can help facilitate things)- only he and she can do that between them and if he can't start making moves to a more accepting relationship then they will eventually drift apart as she will vote with her feet.

And yes I think at 10 they have/should have a degree of say over their life.

Noregrets78 · 03/11/2015 17:39

This does remind me of my DDs previous relationship with her Dad, so I'll try not to project too much! There's a real danger that he'll tell her off for confiding in you, which is a slippery slope. Might be worth having a pre-emptive conversation with her about 'good' (exciting, time limited eg birthday presents) and 'bad' (worrying, don't tell your mum things) secrets. She should be able to tell you things, and ask you not to tell her Dad if needs be. That way at least you will know what's going on, and can advise her. If things are bad you can discuss with her the importance of you speaking to her Dad about it.
In my case he didn't learn, lied constantly, DD and I have a wonderful open relationship but she no longer has contact with her Dad through choice (age 11).
I really hope you can come through this and help them to build a constructive relationship as she gets older.
NB you are a lone parent!

Kewcumber · 03/11/2015 19:55

She really isn't a lone parent!

Original poster

Devora · 03/11/2015 22:22

Thanks so much all for the great advice. Fingers crossed we have a calm weekend and make progress from here. Noregrets, kew is right - I'm actually in a same sex relationship

OP posts:

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