Am I depressed, grieving or just not cut out to be a mother?

[Casseus]

I am really struggling at the minute. When I'm with my DD I feel like I don't love her anymore. I don't get any pleasure out of being with her and I feel like I just spend my time tolerating her and trying not to lose my temper. I feel like motherhood at the moment comprises of frustration, anger, loneliness (I'm a single parent), boredom and restrictions.

She's a lovely child and is only behaving like a normal four year old. It's me that's changed. I still give her affection because I'm trying my best to be a good mam but feel empty towards her and would walk away if it wouldn't psychologically damage her. I just don't want to be a mam anymore. To quote myself, "I am sick of my f*king life, it's s*t".

So a bit of background:

I was on my dream uni course at a very prestigious uni on my way to my dream career when I fell pregnant. Had her because I didn't want to have a pn abortion. Switched unis and courses to be close to my support network. So dream career is down the toilet. It's hard not to resent that.

She was no bother at all until a year ago when she started pushing boundaries. As kids do. It's the not listening that drives me nuts the most.

My family has also been turned upside down. My gran died two years ago. My grandfather had to go into a nursing home around the same time. My father got diagnosed as terminal the beginning of last year and passed away in June this year. His partner who DD thought was gran and we were VERY close to then showed her true colours as a nasty spiteful hateful bitch. It feels like my world is very small and not the same. The only family I have is my mam. That's it.

I started working full time in May, so Monday to Friday I see her for about two hours a day. Which I feel incredibly guilty about. But the alternative is to either claim benefits or go part time in a job unrelated to my degree such as shop work. Which would ruin my career for the rest of my life. Reason being I work in the pharmaceutical industry so part time hours do not exist.

So my head is full of so many emotions. On the face of it I would definitely say I am suffering from depression as I want to cry all the time, I feel empty, sad, angry, frustrated, can't be bothered with her etc. however, I'm a lot better when I'm not being mam. Is it possible to be depressed only when with your child? It's really confusing.

I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I need to express itor I'm going to burst ??

Hello, sorry if this sounds soft but I want to give you a huge hug. How could anyone not feel rubbish after all that you have been through?

You can't get a diagnosis online from MN, but from what you say it does sound to me like clinical depression (I have experience of it, and that combination of crying all the time, feeling unable to cope, can't be bothered etc is a classic set of symptoms.) If you do have it, there's no shame in it. I hope you know that. It's no more a sign of weakness or failure than getting run down due to stress and ending up with flu.

Please go to your GP and describe all the symptoms you have. But play down any feelings of not wanting to be a mum. You don't sound like you need SS involved, but GPs can get twitchy about that sort of thing.

ADs take time to kick in. In the meantime, please, please go really easy on yourself and your child. She's partly playing up due to her age. But they are super-sensitive to our moods and if she picks up on you being stressed she'll act up forever, because she'll get stressed by your stress. DS2 was like this - he had a hair trigger for me not being on form.

One thing she may not be able to articulate is fear and distress at seeing less of you. So at some point at the weekend, try and say,'When I'm at work I miss you (even if you don't) so let's have a nice treat together every weekend to make our time special.' It may sound cheesy to us, but it's what they want to hear. Make it an easy 'treat' for you to sort out: a DVD with the pair of you snuggled under a duvet, and a take out pizza etc or a trip to Macdonalds. I was broke for a while and took the DC into Poundland to let them choose whatever toy they wanted and always praised their choice, however vile and plastic it was.

Try and make life easy for yourself in every way you can. Buy ready meals, use the TV/computer as a nanny to give yourself an hour's break. Also, I know this sort of thing seems too small to be significant, but put on your favourite uplifting music in the morning, and watch your favourite comedies at night. Watching animals being cute on you tube with your daughter on your lap is an almost effortless way to bond when you're too knackered to interact properly. That sort of thing won't make life better but it can give you the occasional breather or laugh which you need and deserve right now.

You are at the very hardest point of parenthood. My DC are now at secondary. It feels an age away but it isn't. You can reapply to your dream uni to do an MA when she is older, or use your work experience to wangle a full time, fully funded PhD. Stick with your dreams, just put them on hold temporarily.

To try and bond with her, set up little easy rituals together: biscuit and milk/cup of tea together when you get home, cuddle and one story in bed before lights out. be really consistent: just one story. And be honest. If they pushed me, I'd say: I can't because I'm so tired. When I get tired I get horribly grumpy and shout and we don't want that, so I need sleep. No harm in teaching her you're a human being with needs.

Good luck OP. I hope things get easier.

Sending lots of love...It sounds as if you may be depressed and grieving...You would probably really benefit from some counselling - getting those feelings heard every week as you said you were feeling lonely...Is your Mum a good support right now? I think it's quite normal to have these feelings given your circumstances. Get some help and talk to someone about everything that you have been going through and I'm sure your situation with your DD will improve. She is probably picking up on your mood/you being a bit different as well..kids are so intuitive.