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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

New here but finding separation hard

19 replies

Daisyinbloom · 03/12/2006 23:00

I'm new on here but have read posts for ages and they have given me courage.
My DH left me in Feb after 14 years of marriage to live with our 21 year old au pair from eastern europe. We have 2 DS and my life was ripped apart. After then, I have been through the most traumatic year of my life, asking him to come back, him promising to and not, etc etc.
He came back to me in June and I finally realised (after following him) that he was still with her and told him where to go.
Since then he has told me I am making a huge mistake, our friendship that we have created over the years is enough to see us through, he can't belive it's over etc etc. He also tells DS's this all the time. Problem is, he sees the kids VERY regularly (like 2 or 3 times a week), pays me no maintenance because of this and I have been left to run the family home (which is now up for sale as I can't afford it) and scrimpimg to get by with Xmas pressies. He has walked away to his new life, in a rented house with her and no financial hardship.
Sorry, just sounding off really but need to!
Got legal advice & they said get a separation agreement (at least) once the house is sold - has anyone got any experience of these? Are they easy to do? thanks for any answers

OP posts:

2nervesnapartridgeinapeartree · 03/12/2006 23:06

Hi daisy
I'm really sorry to hear all this, sounds like you have had a really rough time.
I haven't got any experience or advice for you but wanted to say hello and welcome. Somebody with experience will be along soon. Tho seems quite around here tonight. If you don't get an answer don't be afraid to bump it tomorrow when more people may be around.

lulumama · 03/12/2006 23:16

sorry, no practical advice...but welcome..and i'm sure someone will be along later or tomorrow with some words of wisdom..x

Original poster

Daisyinbloom · 03/12/2006 23:18

Ok 2nerves and thanks for your hello and welcome tonight.

OP posts:

Original poster

Daisyinbloom · 03/12/2006 23:18

Hi thanks for your replies and welcomes! x

OP posts:

lou33 · 03/12/2006 23:41

no advice but am saying welcome and i wish i had an address to divorce my h

mamama · 04/12/2006 00:33

Daisy,

at your H and

I'm so sorry. What an awful year. I can't offer any advice on separation agreements etc as I'm overseas and I think the law works a bit differently. I know there are other people who will be able to offer you some advice though. Maybe try bumping this in the morning if no-one more helpful has responded.

I can offer a bit of sympathy though and {hugs}

alibauble · 04/12/2006 01:19

Oh no, I'm so sorry. Another here with marital strife and an H that's had an ongoing affair. As far as I'm aware your H should be paying maintenance, regardless of the fact he sees them. Ring CAB first thing today/tomorrow and ask them for advice. He cannot walk away and leave you with all the financial responsibilities. Get more legal advice. A separation agreement should cover parenting arrangements as well as financial arrangements around bills etc etc. At least you can go an at fault divorce i.e. adultery. Here where I live there all standard no-fault divorces.

kiskidee · 04/12/2006 01:44

I am shocked that he doesn't pay any child support and would question the sanity of any solicitor who made the current separation agreement for you without him paying support.

I don't know much about this sort of stuff but also wonder why the family home is up for sale too. It was he who left the family home and he who still has to provide a roof for his children. He needs to be paying up and mistress needs to know that when you pick up with a married man you get the leftovers not the cake.

You have been way too kind to him.

bubblebell1 · 04/12/2006 10:11

im so sorry daisy.

imno expert altho i do believe if you are married and your children are under 18 he has the legal obligation to keep you in the manner that you are acustomed. in other words i dont think he can make u sell your home and he should be paying you some kind of support. pls speak to citizens advice or have a free consultation with a solicitor. it is common for a woman who has suffered to this extent to just try to plod along and get thru it but i can assure you there is help out there xxx good luck

mumblechum · 04/12/2006 11:12

It would be lovely if Bubblebell's theory was right, but sadly it isn't.

You should be negotiating the terms for capital division (if appropriate) BEFORE the house is sold.

You really have got to get a decent solicitor ASAP. Try www.resolution.org.uk to find a local specialist divorce lawyer. You'll prob get the first half hour free and may qualify for legal aid.

pedilia · 04/12/2006 11:20

Hi Daisy and welcome to MN- I am also having problems with DH and his 18 year old friend (long story-bunny boiler)
God men are t**sers

I understand some of what you are going through, have no advice but know how you are feeling and cyberhugs your way, please free to CAT or MSN me if you want to offload.

Original poster

Daisyinbloom · 04/12/2006 22:01

Thank you all so much for your messages, can't tell you what it means to me. Sorry can't get online earlier as also full time working mum! I am sorry for your troubles Ali & Lou.
Family home needs to be sold as we bought this place two years ago, and mortgaged "to the hilt" as this was our dream (actually HIS dream!). Therefore cannot afford to run the house, even if he paid maintenance. We could only just afford it with two incomes.
Solicitor told me that he should be paying maintenance, reduced by the number of nights DS's spend with him - but I feel mean taking anything off him of they are they for almost half the week?? His parents have also phoned me to tell me claiming from him wouldn't be fair!
There is pretty much no equity in the house (reasons already described), and the only assets in this are his & my pensions. His much bigger than mine I hasten to add! Mumblechum perhaps this is what you mean about splitting any assets now?

Pedilia - thanks for your message - bunny boiler just about fits the bill! She was with us for 4 weeks before she made her move!!

OP posts:

kiskidee · 04/12/2006 22:08

i think you can claim a part of his pension.

also, i would claim whatever maintenance he should be giving as otherwise who will he be spending the extra on? and ignore what the mil says.

remember that a marriage is an emotional and a financial contract. oh, so is a divorce.

if the electricity company owed you £50 for every week, who would you rather have the money?

Original poster

Daisyinbloom · 04/12/2006 22:12

Good point kiskidee, and am starting to think maybe a divorce would resolve this and I shoul just get on with it. But easier said than done And actually he seems to be doing pretty well financially - and I guess that's where my maintenance is!!

OP posts:

WK007 · 04/12/2006 22:25

No advice to add to the rest here but so sorry for what you've had to go through xx

chubbleigh · 04/12/2006 22:34

Stop feeling guilty right now, it won't do you one bit of good. Ignore his parents, ignore what he says, he made his choice. Get a new solicitor and tell them very clearly that you want the best possible settlement and most secure future for you and the children, he's been thinking with his prick so why trust what he says. He should also stop making any sort of comment to the children about your problems, its cruel.

Original poster

Daisyinbloom · 04/12/2006 22:38

Thanks Cubbleigh I appreciate your straight talking! Think that's just what I need - you are so right!

OP posts:

mamama · 05/12/2006 00:31

Daisy, taking what you're entitled to is nothing to feel guilty about. Maintenence is to cover (some of) the costs of having children - food, clothing, heat, a roof over their heads etc. And, as Kiskidee said, if he doesn't give it to you & the kids, where will the money be spent? Make sure you get what you deserve.

Please see another solicitor or contact the CAB for a second opnion. And please ignore his parents. If they're like my soon to be ex-inlaws, they'll suddenly start protecting their 'baby' again.

I was wondering why you were considering a separation agreement - do you think their is a chance of reconciliation somewhere down the line?

Have you been keeping a record of significant events & conversations? Like the au pair and upsetting DS with emotional things that are between you and your H. I was advised to keep a log, just in case things got tricky in future.

alibauble · 05/12/2006 01:35

You are entitled to part of pension/life insurance and many other things. Get a good solicitor. Don't feel guilty about claiming money. Do it. He didn't think twice about his actions did he. Ignore the PIL's he's their son, they'll probably take sides. If they can't be constructive keep them out of the loop and tell them politely that until everything is legally sorted you'd rather that they kept out of the arrangements. You'll have to be rather brutal. I've cut my MIL out as I only get a lecture everytime I spoke to her. So that was easy no communication. Get a great solicitor and do it now and as everyone says get it all documents. Whoops sorry that was long.

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