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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

advice - absent father back!

10 replies

MissHoney15 · 08/10/2015 06:54

I will try keep it brief but I need some advice. DD6's father decided before she was born not to be involved. Fair enough. So we have lived our lives without him. He has never paid anything as I never wished to pursue that. Not that interested in financial stuff - we don't need him. Anyway he got in touch earlier this year and wanted to see her. I met him and talked it through. I said ok he can meet her(hardest thing I've ever had to do) and they got on ok. I have said that contact will obviously be supervised by me and that for the time being it will always be so. I let him come to the house once so did was in her own environment, which was ok but I felt murderous. I suppose it is hard to hear her call him dad, and she is a very loving and happy child- basically it has been easy for him to enter her life.

I suppose I'm just after some advice- anyone else been in a similar situation? How often should contact be? Also what kind of communication should be between me and him? I'm finding his appearance into my life extremely stressful. He also has 3 children which he is keen to introduce to DD. I have said no at this point, as I think this is too much given she has only just met her dad.

OP posts:

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 08/10/2015 06:59

How old is she? There is no way in hell that I would be facilitating unfettered access when he contributes nothing financially to her upkeep at all.

Original poster

MissHoney15 · 08/10/2015 18:55

She is 6. The money thing is pointless I think. He doesn't give anything to his 3 others and says he just throws csa letters away so it would be a safe of time and effort trying to get him to pay. I'd probably end up with £10 or something!

I have let him have contact as I don't want dd to grow up and think i stopped him seeing her. Envisaging once a month supervised contact. Does that sound ok?

OP posts:

CrushedCan · 08/10/2015 20:45

If you can do more than once a month I would. Once a month is nowhere near enough time
For her to build a father/daughter relationship what about once a week min/2 weeks max. What does your daughter want? With her being 6 years old I imagine she knows what she would like from their relationship?

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 08/10/2015 21:04

Just my opinion but a month is a long time in a child's world, so I would say at least fortnightly.

I was in similar situation no input from DS father until he was just turning 4, started seeing him for 2-3hrs once a week supervised as I wanted to just sit in the background as reassurance for DS, after all this person was a stranger, never met at my house as I could bear the thought of him sitting in my house and him expecting me to make tea.

I felt really awkward at introducing him as dad as I felt it was something he didn't deserve to be called and every time DS said it I was burning inside. It went well for a few weeks communication was by text about reconfirming next weeks time. I ignored the small talk texts, but over time DS father couldn't grasp a hold of the boundaries that this was about him building relationship with his son not me. He was one of those disney dads that is different when he thinks no one is looking. It didn't last long before he threw his toys out the pram and got abusive again so visits stopped.

I would maybe suggest future visit's outside the house maybe at the park whereas you sit back a just watch, I think your right that its far to soon to introduce other kids. Go a pace that you feel comfortable with also as end of the day its been 6yrs he's been awol.

Lastly don't take it to heart when/if your DD puts her dad on pedestal and sings his praises and can do no wrong its part of the novelty fazes.

Hope it all goes well

Original poster

MissHoney15 · 08/10/2015 21:37

DD doesn't seem too bothered if I'm honest. She is happy to see him and I know she likes calling someone dad. (I've not had a relationship since, so she hasn't had any dad figure in her life). She has asked him if he saw her as a baby (he didn't). She isn't asking many questions about him, and I'm having to bring it up.

The first meeting was in a park but due to commitments it was going to be hard to fit in so I agreed him coming to the house for an hour. It was just about keeping momentum in this early stage.

Feel like it's turned our life upside down!

OP posts:

Homely1 · 09/10/2015 19:49

Similar situation but now he wants loads of time alone with DC, have you had the same

starlight2007 · 09/10/2015 22:01

I think it is a difficult one..Do you believe he will keep it up.. THe 5.6.7 years I would say my DS found the hardest no Dad...Saw him up till he was 3... So someone there may well make it easier.. I agree fortnightly seems more reasonable.

I also agree I wouldn't bring the other children in at this stage as he needs to build up a relationship with him.. Soft play is a good option as he isn't in your house..He can go and play with him you can sit on the sidelines read a book.

Original poster

MissHoney15 · 09/10/2015 23:24

To be honest my daughter doesn't seem that fussed. She gets on with him and is quite tactile with him- that's just what she's like tbh with everybody! Soft play might be ok. I just find it hard to be around him, and if he sees her I have to be there. God, seeing him every week would be too much.

OP posts:

starlight2007 · 10/10/2015 21:04

The difficult thing is she may be one of those kids who never really is interested...However it is giving her a chance..My Ds has not seen his Dad since he was 3 but I know I spent 3 years trying to build a relationship and know I can honestly say I know I tried....

I don't think you need to make yourself available every weekend.

The soft play I thought would be good as you can keep your distance.. but while you have every right to be angry, you have to find a way to seperate the 2 for your own sanity if nothing else

Original poster

MissHoney15 · 15/10/2015 19:49

Thank you. I feel that every weekend is too much. Dd really doesn't seem too bothered but like u said- I am trying.

OP posts:

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