Fair contact arrangement

[ScheherazadeNights]

My husband and I are divorcing, and we need to sort out contact arrangements for our two year old son.

My son and I currently live around 200 miles from where my husband lives. I moved away - we previously lived in a high cost area in the SE where neither of us had any family connections apart from my husband's child from his first marriage, and where high property/childcare costs would have greatly affected our son's quality of life in a lone parent family.

Prior to the split, I had been the main carer for our son; SAHM at first, and then part-time/weekend work in the 6 months preceding the split. Now, we both work full-time and our son attends nursery.

The major factor for me in arranging contact arrangements is that I don't want the contact combined with the contact arrangements for his first child. There's a large age difference (10 years) between the children, and I don't want contact for our son shoe-horned into school holidays that he doesn't even have yet. My preference is for regular weekend contact in the town where I now live with our son, and then longer periods which can be spent with my husband's extended family for occasions including Christmas, Easter etc.

We've got to the stage of my husband filing for Children's Act proceedings, and it's going to be CAFCASS assessed at some stage. I don't want to appear too unreasonable, so would like some idea of what arrangements other families have in similar circumstances.

You are likely to be asked to go for mediation before you every get to CAFCAS stage to see if you can agree without court being involved.
It seems less than reasonable to say that regular contact has to take place in your local town, I understand that you maybe trying to reduce the travelling for a two year, but I think that your Ex should be able to have contact with his son in his own home.
I also think that it is unlikely that you will be able to prevent contact with the older child, they are siblings and should have a relationship with each other.
Whilst at the moment school seems a long way away in terms of organising contact two years is not very long, so any arrangement that you make now should be workable when school starts.
My school age child with less distance, but a ferry ride ( so time wise the same) is every other weekend and half the holidays. A very common scenario when there is a distance between parents.

It seems to vary massively. We have my sdc's EW but my ex has my DS EOW but one night in week also.

Most people on here seem to have the EOW and alternate bdays and Christmas.

If he has to come to the town you live EW to visist your DS then what are his contact arrangements for the other child?

As it was you that moved away they may go for pick up or drop offs at a location in between the 2.

What does your ex want?

Mediation - should have highlighted that it won't be going to mediation, as my husband managed to get a mediator to sign the C100 form after visiting mediation independently and saying that mediation wouldn't be suitable.

Contact is likely to take place in my town, mainly due to massive difference in income. I wouldn't be able to afford the journeys, whereas my husband has an income five times that of my own. We moved away as there was no reason for us to stay in the town my husband lived in (no family on either side), and also for financial reasons - my husband was unwilling to provide any financial support beyond minimum child maintenance payments.

I have looked ahead to a schedule for when school starts, but it won't tie in neatly with contact arrangements for his first child due to different timings for the holidays in England, and also I'm looking to school my son independently. When he's in school, I'd be happy for two weeks of the summer holiday, 1 week of the Easter holiday, 1 half term and 1 week at Christmas arrangement, with childcare making up the extra care for the longer holidays in independent schools. But until he's in school, I think the EOW/half holiday arrangement is just trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. He won't have 'holidays' to split.

Husband's contact arrangements for his first child are EOW, one week night and half holidays, and so far we're working around that by arranging weekend contact on weekends when he doesn't have his first child.

Think he just wants our son to slot into his existing contact arrangements, without acknowledging that the contact is for our son's benefit and not for his. I don't view the two children as siblings, more as extended family. They won't grow up together in the same house, won't share same values etc, and in every meaningful sense our son is a only child. I have several half-siblings myself both from my Mother and Father, and it's only the ones that I shared a house/childhood experiences with when growing up that I view as siblings.

I'm not sure that view (siblings) will go down well in court to be honest. If your only argument against it is that they are different ages and that may mean they need different things then you are onto a loser for sure.

You still maybe expected to facilitate some contact in your Ex's own home even if he comes and collects and returns. Or maybe you meeting half way.
I would be cautious of saying you will educate independently, but can not afford to facilitate contact in this way. Contact will be considered more important than that independent education.

Regardless of what we all think you have your opening offer. Write with that you maybe lucky and he may accept,
Consider what is your absolute fall back position is. Sorting it out between yourselves is by far the cheapest option.

There is background to the siblings argument - first child openly hostile to my son even existing, my husband only willing to support the child from his first marriage etc. Not that I want to go into it, but they have never been treated as siblings.

School fees are dependent on it getting awarded in the divorce financial settlement. If necessary I will use my share of the house equity to pay school fees. But unable to pay now on my own salary/minimum maintenance.

He was offered the opportunity to see our son this weekend, then cancelled when he received our divorce papers today. Which has been noted for reference in contact proceedings.

You seem to dislike and resent the fact that your husband has another child. Maybe you should have considered this outcome before marrying and procreating with him.

To be honest it sounds like you have issues to work through yourself to see what is going on.. I am guessing you didn't get on with step son. Step son may feel more equal now.

Most parents have to do the age juggling thing.

As you DS is 2 I would be looking at contact arrangements that work with school ..It is less than 2 years away.

I think it is reasonable he is allowed contact at his own home. I can see no reason why he shouldn't.

I think your issues come out when you say you can't afford transport but want him educated independently ( I am assuming you mean private school here)

I would also like to know on what grounds mediation has been signed off as unsuitable.. Either failure to comply or abusive relationships was the only reason I was aware of.

You also sound bitter he is only prepared to pay minimum but based on large salary minimum is quite a chunk of money.

The relationship was abusive (documented via police reports etc), but he bypassed mediation by attending alone and simply stating that he didn't want it - that is an option on the C100.

And yes, I am bitter. I now have to spend the next 16 years bringing up a child alone, as my husband never wanted a second family. The maintenance is not adequate - split with the first child it equates to less than 8% of his salary, which doesn't even cover the current nursery fees.

I'd be willing to use equity from the house sale to fund my son's education (should fees not be awarded), but there's no way I'll be lowering our standard of living to pay for the cost of contact. After the costs of living, I have no disposable income. There are no 'treats' to forego to pay for these extra travel costs.

And with this in mind, I don't know how weekends in my husband's town would be facilitated. My husband would be unwilling to change his work arrangements to allow him to pick up/drive back on a Friday. Which then leaves him picking up on a Saturday, arriving at 10am earliest, our son spending four hours in a car, and then having to repeat the same journey 24 hours later. I don't really see how that is in his best interests.

It is a difficult one and I do not really have a lot of experience with DV situations but if I am honest then I don't really know if it will make a difference in arranging/agreeing contact if he is already having unsupervised contact.

Which then leaves him picking up on a Saturday, arriving at 10am earliest, our son spending four hours in a car, and then having to repeat the same journey 24 hours later. I don't really see how that is in his best interests. Whilst I get your point and can see why you feel this way I do not think it will be an issue with the court.

I can not see the courts being specific about where the contact actually has to take place, as long as you make your child available for the contact and he returns him on time then I am pretty sure he can take him where he wants to see who he wants as long as there are no safeguarding issues.

Also lets face it - you may get the weekend to be the weekend when he doesn't have his other son but whats to stop him just changing once the arrangement with you have been sorted so he then has them both weekends again?