How many details of DC1's life should be shared with NC XP?

[soontobesolo]

Hi

I need to change my username really as XP moved out 6 months ago!. DC1 is over 16 and has decided to go NC as he and his Dad didn't have a great relationship previously and he feels XP has put his relationship with OW way ahead of the DC (DC2 is younger and XP is seeing him one week night and every other weekend). Obviously the school will contact XP about DC1 separately to their contact with me but in terms of stuff going on in DC1's life outside of school I am unsure how much to share.

XP was recently upset that I took DC1 to a sporting activity as he said he should have been informed DC1 was doing it as it is potentially dangerous. However it isn't anything new but one that DC1 actually started off doing with XP, so should I be telling XP on every occasion DC1 does this or only if he starts something new, and is it necessary even then? Also, should I tell him if DC1 goes away for example staying with friends? I would obviously tell XP if DC1 goes abroad, at least while he is under 18. In case it's relevant XP is only paying the legal minimum for DC1 due to DC1's decision to be NC however he is paying towards DC2's extracurricular activities. Has anyone else been in this situation? What should I do from a legal perspective and also what is fair to keep XP involved but respect DC1's decision to be NC?

At 16 I would be telling Ex it is up to DS what he shares..Which sounds like nothing.
You don't have to have approval..If you look up PR that tells you exactly what he is entitled too.

Paying more for one child on the basis that they still want to see daddy is petulant of him, it isn't a pay per view or rewards system!
With regards to activities, it sounds like your ex is just being difficult because of the NC. Have you discussed DS's reasons with his father? Sadly you may find he is projecting his guilt back via DS - it isn't easy to be judged by your own child and it sounds like your ex is just reacting badly to the situation. He needs to suck it up and take responsibility even with NC.

Also given your DS1s age, discuss what he is comfortable with his father knowing and go with that. Obviously if "that" equates to nothing, then perhaps negotiate big events and emergencies.

Thanks both of you for your thoughts. I will look up exactly what PR entitles him to, my understanding was that I don't have to know the specifics of what DC2 does when he is with XP and he doesn't need to know what the DC do with me and that includes any decisions I make about activities or who is keeping an eye on the DC if I'm not around.

I know DC1 is planning a trip away with friends and no adults and that's fine with me as it won't be long before he turns 18 and will be able to do what he wants but XP will probably oppose the idea. If I tell him and DC1 goes ahead despite his opposition he will be angry but he will be even more angry if he finds out from DC2 afterwards so I definitely need to know where I stand about making these decisions on my own!

I would understand XP's views about the sport if it was something new he were taking up but don't see why it was OK previously but now he feels he has to know each time DC1 does it. I think he's upset because he saw it as something he shared with DC1 as I had never been involved (and I don't think he checked with me if I was OK with DC1 starting it) but DC1 has asked me to take him now he is NC with XP.

XP knows full well DC1's reasons, they didn't have a great relationship previously as XP was physically abusive to DC1, at the time I thought it was not enough to involve police as XP was trying to physically force DC1 to do something and the situation escalated but now I think maybe I should have reported it. Before XP moved out he left a lot of evidence around about the OW which unfortunately DC1 found such as receipts for expensive gifts when he had told DC1 he couldn't afford to spend much on his birthday. He also lied about what these receipts were to DC1 before finally admitting it so DC1 feels he has lost any respect he had for him.

I don't think XP's approach will work to reconcile DC1 at all and I am determined DC1 won't miss out on any activities because of XP's attitude so really he is just punishing me which may be part of his plan! I have said to XP that in my opinion the only hope he has of re-establishing contact is to treat both DC the same and let DC1 know he is there if he changes his mind about NC but his view is that plenty of DC have separated parents and he doesn't see why DC1 has a problem with it! He literally thinks that DC1 is being unreasonable, that he shouldn't mind about having a broken family and being unable to have the same gadgets as his friends as long as his parents are happy. I really don't think many teenagers put their parents' happiness above their own!!

I should clarify that DC1's trip will be within the UK although if he is over 16 he may be able to travel abroad even without XP's consent, is that correct?

He's 16 - he could leave home without yours or his fathers permission - so he doesn't have to tell his father anything. Neither do or should you. He could be questioned if travelling abroad while he's under 18 - but realistically would he actually be able to book anywhere without parents?! The UK trip is fine and nothin to do with his father - in theory his father could go to court to stop him going, but unless he's planning to go swimming with sharks he'd not be able to arp him.

Ok, great, there seems to be a consensus I'm not being unreasonable to give DC1 control over what he wants XP to know of his daily life which is nothing at the moment.

His UK trip will be a group of friends going to stay in a cottage owned by the relative of one of them so no problem with booking. The relative will be fairly local although not on the property so it will be perfect for giving them a taste of independence but I know XP would be opposed.

I think I would inform him what you will and won't tell him. Ie you will tell him of serious injury, you can access any information about school from the school. I will not be asking permission for decisions I make about DC while in my care.

I would do this more for DC2 as he is the one I worry about if physically violent could get caught in the middle of it.

I agree teens are finding out how to make themselves happy and not their parents.