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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Party or Children?

15 replies

Hippymonk · 28/09/2015 21:47

Hi. My ex would rather go to a party than see her 2 children. They are very annoyed about it. Do any mothers on here agree with her???

OP posts:

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 28/09/2015 21:49

It's a bit vague. If it's not her usual time to see her DC and she's been invited to a party, fine. If she's supposed to have them that night but has cancelled for a party not fine.

Original poster

Hippymonk · 28/09/2015 21:57

Cancelled for a party

OP posts:

Helpmeoutofthemaze · 28/09/2015 21:59

Well personally I'd go to the party with the kids. But really you need to provide a few more details.

Original poster

Hippymonk · 28/09/2015 22:07

Party is a school reunion supposedly arranged months ago. Told the kids last week on way out the door. No children allowed and she is having serious trust and relationship issues with them at the moment due to lies and letting them down in the past. She saw our eldest for only 3 hours on his birthday and always makes excuses as to why she can't spend quality time with them. Swears blind she wants to make things better between them but constantly ignores their calls/texts. The party is the proverbial straw for them i think

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 28/09/2015 22:26

Are you the resident parent and she the nrp?
did she try to arrange an alternative time to see them?
how old roughly are the dcs? (KS?)

BlackeyedSusan · 28/09/2015 22:28

I can see a school reunion is a one off and perhaps she wanted to go, but there seems to be more to it than just the one party.
how long would she have had the children and why is she not arranging child care while she goes to the party?

Original poster

Hippymonk · 28/09/2015 22:35

Yes i am the resident parent and no she didn't try to arrange any alternative time/day just said I'm at a party next week so see you in 2 weeks. The lads are 14 and 12. She didn't even ask if i had arranged to be doing something,which luckily i hadn't. Before the split she idolised the boys and was the perfect mother,she would do anything for them. She left and now it's like they are in the way,she's even deleted them on facebook and instagram all be it due to some comments the boys put on there over a month ago after an argument with her although they have apologised and swore it will never happen again. Their relationship is going down the toilet and she swears she wants to fix it,I've even had her sister on the phone telling me how upset and devistated she is about whats happening but her actions say the opposite

OP posts:

Original poster

Hippymonk · 28/09/2015 22:42

She never has them overnight due to her sofa surfing. We get on fine and i have told her she can stay here with them the night or i have offered to pay for a travelodge close by so she can see them for the entire weekend....No to everything....I agree a School reunion is a one off.....but the relationship is in tatters she has given them nothing in way of compramise on past issues and like i said she has known for months and only told them last week and didn't even talk to me about it to see if i was doing anything

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 28/09/2015 22:43

whatever you do, let the boys know that they are not to blame for the deletion. it is normal for teens/preteens to get cross at their parents.. what do you do when they get cross at you for instance?

Remind me of this when mine are teens, but it is the parents job to behave like the adult and keep the relationship going. It is up to your ex to build her own relationship with them, you can not force it, all you can do is to support your children with dealing with this and be the parent that is there are reliable. and pick up the pieces.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/09/2015 22:45

the party has to be seen in the context of the whole relationship. different matter if she was regualr in contact and putting htem first, but as you say, telling them out of the blue that she is not coming next week is a bit shit. as is telling your dd 5 minutes before her rehearsal that you are not available until too late in the day to see them

Original poster

Hippymonk · 28/09/2015 22:59

I just can't get my head around the fact that she was a devoted mother to them, nothing and i mean nothing was to much for them but in the space of 8 weeks she's totally destroyed their relationship due to what in my opinion are silly issues. She lies to them for no reason,if she told the truth it wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference. The facebook thing....She said she had not blocked them but deactivated it....which she had.....then they found out she had reactivated it but blocked them....she told them she had only turned it on that day but they could see posts from a week before (through their friends facebook). She told them she had to leave early because she was going to her moms....it turned out she stopped at her sisters who was closer.....she couldn't stop for tea with them as she had to get back.....she stopped for an hour on the way back for something to eat,she told them the week after.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hippymonk · 28/09/2015 23:07

She has seen them for about 14 hours in 6 weeks and even though she says she knows and understands that she is in serious danger of the lads turning against her she still doesn't make an effort

OP posts:

Original poster

Hippymonk · 28/09/2015 23:21

They told her on the phone tonight that they want to see her next week,that what she has done is unfair and if she choses the party over them then they would stop all contact with her. I explained to her the best i could that she really has to prioritise things at the moment due to her relationship with the lads and the damage caused. A 5 hour party with people she hasn't seen in 20 years against what could be the end of her relationship with her children as they are adamant they will cease all contact with her and have told her as much

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 29/09/2015 23:38

is she ill? to change so suddenly is odd. usually the parent that is flakey has always been a bit flakey. maybe it is just the infatuation of a new life and before she had not had a better offer. difficult to tell over the internet. difficult to tell in real life what the heck is going on as well.

notmrscookie · 01/10/2015 06:38

my stbxh has done the same thing sadly. Its like they need to be reassured /loved by anyone telling them now well they are doing. coping etc at the expense of a relationship with there children because its not as rewarding . if that makes sense . How ever they need some contact with kids so that other people think there are ok ie still seeing there kids , sadly its all show my guess is you are dealing with any issues etc . So sorry for all the kids involved ..

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