I feel like I do not desire or need a boyfriend ever again?!

[Flowerpower41]

Am I one of the few that thinks this ladies do tell me your views!

I am 51 and have been married 3 times prior to having ds 10 years ago. Ds's father was my 4th cohabiting relationship. In all four cases I asked them to leave as they weren't measuring up for a variety of reasons. I think men are so selfish and so different from us I really can't see the point of a boyfriend at all these days!

The market is pitiful and I speak with great experience. In the light of a sorry market since 90 per cent of single men 50 plus appear to have support needs far too high - and they pay you little or no attention, have zilch chat up skills these days and are also unable to understand single parenting.

They have had time to develop a selfish life whereas we have had to be actively far more selfless throughout our single parent journey. They are so totally different from us in this respect.

I am not boasting but to get this in context I am attractive confident interesting and educated. So it is not as if I can't pull either.

Furthermore they seem to think that they are doing us a favour for picking us - as if we should now be grateful that a man has deigned to give us attention in our situation - and that we must need urgent rescuing. Why can't people just appreciate that we actually PREFER our independence and we are not bitter, needy or desirous of a relationship.

Any thoughts or opinions?

I kind of agree Flower I too have no wish for a relationship, I spent 20 years putting my XH's needs before mine, all the time. The few men I've had dates with since my divorce have all made me think, 'No, I don't think so'. They all appeared to be of the opinion that a woman on her own can't manage without a man and they all think they're a catch.

I even had the 60 year old tiler who was working in my house ask me out - he was 20 years older than me, a foot shorter than me, well rounded in the tummy area, and an old 60 if you know what I mean. He started it off by saying, 'I know you've got kids and all, but if you want to go out....' I was so depressed after that, and he was making me feel as if he was doing me a favour, what with me stuck at home with two DCs. I scrub up quite well too.

Still, it's given all my mates a good laugh. Fortunately, I'm very happy to be on my own, for the first time in my adult life I can do things for me without having to dance to XHs tune. I don't believe I'll ever be with someone again, I enjoy my freedom and life too much. I think I've now become too selfish to actually be prepared to put someone's (other than my DCs) wishes before mine.

Heartening to hear brittany!

Yep some horrid guys have considered themselves in with a chance it isn't much of a compliment either is it!

They simply cannot believe we can manage without a man in our lives. They do not get our independence they simply do not.

If you don't want a boyfriend then stay single but to be honest you sound like you think you are better than everyone else. Why shouldn't he have asked you out? He found you attractive. You said no, fine, but it isn't a personal insult for someone you don't find attractive to be attracted to you.

Sometimes I feel like this too. I'm just not sure a man would fit into my life, although I would still like to think it could happen (I'm still in my 20's so not quite ready to give up on the idea). I think if anything I'm more picky since having my son and like you said a lot of men seem to think single mothers are desperate so should be grateful for the attention.

I do think that it was ok for the older guy to ask you out though, he fancied you so was just letting you know - so I'm with titsywoo on that one.

I'm single and I love being single so I don't tend to notice who is around or interested.

that said, the last person I dated, I knew it was going nowhere at the start but I thought it was worth having a last bit of fun because he was intelligent, charming, gorgeous etc and much as I really knew that this was the last time I was going to do the whole "cocktails with gorgeous bloke thing" it still seemed a good plan because I could see that the world is not full of men like that.

that said, if anyone wants a relationship for whatever reason, other things are more important. But you sound like a happy singleton so just carry on being one. I think society sends out a lot of messages suggesting there's something wrong with singleness and we just need to shrug and ignore it.

PS I do encounter people who are amazed that a woman can manage without a man in her life as well but after several years of being obviously happy, I am finding those people have shut up.

Yep, I feel the same. The only benefit I can think of is having a second wage which would be very useful indeed. But the rest of what goes with a second wage makes my skin crawl.

But I do wonder occasionally how I will feel once the DC have flown the nest.

Katharine I am wondering too how I will feel once the empty nest syndrome kicks in however luckily there are a plentiful supply of social goings on for single people on www.meetup.com! So I will have a busy social whirl to look forward to plus more time to earn a living without interruptions for FAR FLUNG HOLIDAYS !!!

Fingers crossed lol.

I agree and am really questioning why I'd want to settle down again with someone.

A lot of the men I've met have been overtly sexual and it really puts me off.

I definitely don't want to share finances or a joint mortgage again, after getting divorced. I want my house to remain mine no matter what happens.

This very much chimes with my feelings and experiences. I do date, but definitely not in a serious way - I'm not looking for a life partner because I don't need one in practical/emotional terms and I can't be arsed with all the compromise and fitting in with people that it involves. I also agree that older single men can be pretty selfish because they haven't experienced the day to day bringing up kids thing - even those who have kids themselves don't get it, because they only see their kids once a fortnight - it's not the same at all.

Most of my friends can see that I'm perfectly happy as I am, but I do have one who keeps on saying 'You need to have something for you because the kids will grow up one day' by which she means 'a man', totally ignoring the fact that I have plenty of things 'for me' - I have interesting hobbies, I read, I go out with my friends, keep up to date with films, books, music etc.

I flit in and out of online dating and, even disregarding the inevitable cock pictures, it's incredible the amount of men who respond with a pitying message, or who think I need rescuing and want to play the great big hero who will whisk me away from my supposedly miserable life.

Titsy and Cookie I don't have a problem if he found me attractive, it's very flattering to be found attractive by someone when you're cracking on a bit, it's the way he made me feel like he was doing me a huge favour by asking me out even though I was a single mum, lumbered with a couple of kids. He didn't make me feel attractive at all in fact the complete opposite actually. I don't really think he did find me attractive, I think I was just single and there, so he would give it a go. He actually made me feel worthless by what he said.

It's very hard to express in writing actually how this particular guy made me feel, I just got the feeling that he expected that I would go out with him simply because I was single and living alone and needed a man. As I say I don't think he was attracted to me either. Honestly if George Clooney had hit on me like he was doing me a massive favour, I'd have not gone out with him either.

cruikshank - why do you date? It sounds like you're happy alone and not having any fun dating either.

the "second wage" is cancelled out for me. I don't have children, so I live in a small flat. I wouldn't want shared finances anyway and a second wage would just get lost in the larger property that for me would be essential if I lived with someone. But I wouldn't want to live with someone anyway. The point a pp made about how what goes with the second wage makes your skin crawl - I hear you.

It's so much fun being single, I think it's hugely overrated. I used to enjoy watching Sex and the City but while it has some great dramatic qualities, I don't think I could watch it again because it's essentially obsessing over relationships.

I think it's sad that children are taught to believe that relationships are so important. Great if you freely want one and engage in one but it's like there's no message anywhere that being single is fulfilling and rewarding too.

PS, sorry I only just realised this was posted in "Lone parents" so I'm not really a pointful contributor - it came up on "trending" and I just clicked on it.

That's ok lorelei, this is a really interesting topic and points people are making are not restricted to lone parents.

lorelei9, I don't date the pitying/rescuing ones, just the ones I fancy the look of. I do it because it's fun, for a while until I get bored, for the male company/perspective it provides (pretty much all of my really good friends where I live and therefore the people I spend the most time with are women) and, erm, for the sex. I also quite like the build-up, and the flirting, and the anticipation of getting ready to go out - it's a nice little ritual.

I agree completely about not wanting to live with someone. Even if I did fall madly in love again (and I can't see that happening now because I haven't got the mindset any more) and we moved in together, I would want at least separate bedrooms. Even then I'd find it hard.

cruikshank, oh well, if you find it fun, fair enough, I didn't gauge that from your post but it's my fault, I'm skim reading.

Pleased to hear I am in good company with many others. :)

I'm 25 and feel like this....I've been single for 2 years but in these 2 years I've had two guys (totalling around 2 months) who I've dated but they were so needy?!? I already have a 4 year old who is needy and I don't need another 30 year old child....I give up.