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Can't manage housework and a new baby

22 replies

sarah00001 · 15/09/2015 00:51

Hi, I have a 10 week old daughter and am a single parent. I am finding it impossible to manage the housework and I hate my house being so untidy. My daughter feeds roughly every hour and a half. I both breast and bottle feed due to low milk supply and an average feed takes 30-45 mins. Without fail, after each feed my baby will pooh her nappy and I'm doing about 10 to 12 nappy changes per day. Almost every minute of my day is spent caring for my baby. I never have a gap of more than 30 mins where I can just crack on and get things done. I do the essentials - washing up, laundry, clean the loo and do online shopping, but I can't manage anything else. Last wednesday I started to clean the kitchen and only managed to do half.

It's really getting me down. My house hasn't had a proper clean and tidy since before my baby was born. I know that other mums manage it, so why can't I?

I don't have any friends or family to help me, so it's down to me to sort my house out. I really could use some advice on how to keep a clean and tidy home ontop of caring for a baby. Can anyone help?

Many thanks

Sarah

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PotteringAlong · 15/09/2015 01:35

Advice? Lower your standards. You have a 10 week old. I don't know anyone who has ever done more than the essentials with a 10 week old.

Flowers on your baby.

Baconyum · 15/09/2015 02:14

"I know that other mums manage it, so why can't I?" Were they alone with no support and was that just your impression or they actually said 'the house is exactly how I want it, I'm getting enough sleep and the baby is pooping fairy dust'

Yea, lower your standards. Mines 14 YEARS and my house is still a mess Grin

Nobody this soon after a baby has everything going to before baby standards. Give yourself a break.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 15/09/2015 02:18

I didn't manage at ten weeks.

I did when they were a little bit older and had more reliable sleep patterns but for now, cut yourself a break. It is normal not to be able to do much other than look after your baby for now.

BananaPie · 15/09/2015 02:30

Change the way you think about housework: stop setting out to clean the whole kitchen in one go, and instead break the job down into a series of little jobs that can be done in 5 or 10 min bursts. You won't get the satisfaction of a completely clean and tidy kitchen, but you will at least know that you're keeping on top of it.

winchester1 · 15/09/2015 04:11

I managed because I have very very low standards, my kid slept a lot more than yours and I'm not a lone parent.

I'm impressed you are getting that much done tbh Flowers

If its bothering you though is there anyone you could ask to help you blitz it? Your mum, a friend etc

Joskar · 15/09/2015 04:26

Agree about the lowering of standards and cutting yourself some slack. That said unless you eat off paper plates you do have to do some cleaning so I'd say get a sling or a wrap. See if you have a sling library nearby and hire something to see if it suits you. I've just recently bought a Sa-Be which is a stretchy wrap so good when baby is wee but there are heaps and heaps of different ones. Have a try of a few maybe before purchasing. Absolutely essential to have one imo. So much easier than a pram when you're out and about. Check eBay for deals. I got the sa-be for £5 (although they're only £30 new so very affordable compared with other wraps).

Take heart. The time between feeds will get longer as baby gets bigger. Don't compare yourself with "other mums". Everyone is just buggering on through as best they can whatever their circumstances.

icklekid · 15/09/2015 04:27

Totally understand the frustration -I had a baby that hated being put down so wouldn't go in bouncy seat etc for long -I used a sling to gey jobs done but as others have said only short 10min tasks max . I don't think other mums, let alone single mums, can do it but adjusting is very frustrating and I appreciate that.

starlight2007 · 15/09/2015 13:16

I had to do it on my own at that age..If you had come to my house I would of been one of those who looked like they were managing.. I can tell you I was up till the early hours of the morning cleaning as I was so scared if I fell behind I would never catch up.. Eventaully I had to accept my baby didn't live in a palace.

I also used to put him in a baby carrier so I could get on with jobs and he wouldn't cope with been put down.

I agree though with the lower your standards.

Misnomer · 15/09/2015 13:24

I agree with other that you are expecting quite a lot of yourself. Bear in mind that this very very intensive period does not last forever. As time goes on your baby will feed less, you will get more breaks.

In the meantime I would highly recommend getting to see a breast feeding counsellor and get your baby's latch checked for tongue tie. If there isn't anyone that you can see via your health visitor then go to a la Leche league group. There should be one local to you. I wish someone had recommended this to me with my first baby. I fed endlessly and it was only when I talking about my different experiences with a bf counsellor much later on that it was suggested that this might have been the issue. It might not but I think it's definitely worth checking to see if something can be done or improved on that front.

The other thing that I would really recommend is that you ask your HV about a referral to home start which is an organisation that assigns volunteers to help mothers of babies who need an extra pair of hands for whatever reason. They come for two hours a week and you could clean or sleep or take a walk or just have a bit of company. Mine was completely brilliant and with no family around it was the only break I got. It's a brilliant service, if it's available in your area, so I'd definitely recommend looking in to it.

Lightbulbon · 15/09/2015 13:30

You may want a spotless house but it's not essential right now.

As long as it isn't unhygienic then leave it be and concentrate on your baby and your own well being.

tribpot · 15/09/2015 13:32

I do the essentials - washing up, laundry, clean the loo and do online shopping

Exactly - you do the essentials. The first few months after a baby is born, in any household, is a time of barely-contained crisis. You need to adopt a 'wartime' mentality - this is about survival, not tidying.

I do understand that the mess is stressing you, but you need to be realistic, and take it a great deal easier on yourself than you are. Are these 'other mums' who are managing it all doing so on their own, far from friends and family? Are they bollocks. Now is not the time to be developing long term strategies for managing the house, it's for getting through each day.

That said, I agree about a sling. Maybe also make a point of getting out of the house for a bit each day - better for you in terms of fresh air and contact with the rest of humanity, but also means (a) you can't see the mess at home and (b) you're not creating any mess at home.

Ask for help. Can anyone come to you for a blitz of putting laundry away and things like that? You may think people wouldn't travel for something so mundane but you need the help. Can you out source? I hope you don't have a garden to manage but if so, it's a one-off tidy job now for winter and then you can get by with a relatively low spend per month in the spring/summer to keep it looking reasonable.

Maybe have a look at Unfuck your Habitat. This is about doing short bursts of stuff, and accepting that you can't do everything. In your case I think I'd try to keep one small area tidy so you have an oasis to rest in (i.e. do it because it has a positive benefit to you, not because you 'should' or because 'other mums do'), and basically sod everything else for now.

Snossidge · 15/09/2015 13:36

Definitely do cleaning/tidying in 5-10 minute bursts - you aren't going to be able to do a "big clean".

Your baby's feeds will get shorter and space out, around 3-6 months she will probably start napping regularly for 45 minutes or so at a time, and going to bed in the evening. You might be able to put her in a sling or swing, and later something like a bouncer or jumperoo or high chair with some toys to keep her entertained for a bit.

Jw35 · 15/09/2015 13:37

give yourself a break, nobody manages to do much with a 10 week old! Essentials are all that matter!

I found a slow cooker helped me, get it on in the morning and dinner is ready whenever you like!

Keep flash wipes in the bathroom and give the loo and sink a wipe over after a shower/the loo visit

Wear a sling and do the jobs you don't have to bend down for

Get a small light bean bag and put the baby on it, you can pick this up easily and move from room to room

godsavethequeeeen · 15/09/2015 13:45

Low standards, paper cups and plates, ready meals etc.

I'm 7 yrs in being a LP and my house is still a mess l. I've put work and health first. I'll deal with the carnage when they're teens and I have a tiny bit more freedom.

Baconyum · 16/09/2015 00:47

^^ good luck with that theory Grin

EternalSunshine820 · 16/09/2015 04:14

Hi there I can't sleep it's the middle of the night and just sat here reading your post.. agree with all of the comments above. I was, like you, on my own from the start (6 weeks pregnant) - had help to move across the country when baby was 4 weeks, but that meant packing boxes in a 1-room flat in one place then living with those boxes... still living with some of them actually lol

Please don't compare your situation to mums you meet who have partners, or even mums/family who live nearby and come round to help.. because it's NOT the same.

The most important thing for you, is to focus on yourself and your baby. Your house won't fall down with a bit of dirt, but your child will grow so fast, before you know it they will be 1 and 2 and you will already be looking back saying wow, where did that time go. You can never go back.. so please enjoy every second of it. It's way more important to gaze at your baby, take a zillion photos, go for long walks, have as many cuddles as you can fit in a day..

"Lower your standards".. Yes! Take it from someone who used to iron bedding and towels pre-baby ha ha... I'll be honest and say that my (new) accommodation rarely got cleaned. The dishes could stack up for days until there was nothing left to eat from. The floor got hoovered once when my daughter was about 5 months, then at about maybe 9 months (I used to spread sarongs over the floor and she would roll around on those and they would get washed). Same with cleaning the bathroom... That's not very hygienic - it's only looking back that I can even see what a struggle it was - and I'm not advocating that level of uncleanliness.. but please don't beat yourself up about it.

In favour of the bit above about a slow cooker (if you have room in the kitchen). Ready Meals.. are better than whole packs of biscuits, and quicker/easier/less mess than preparing a slow cooker so can sometimes be the best option, and then just snack on fruit and keep hydrated if you're breastfeeding (I know couples where the guy later told me he used to bring his other half a glass of water any time she was breastfeeding.. it's those small things you aren't getting and don't even realise you aren't getting but you can keep a bottle of water around and look after yourself).. and things like just hoovering the bit of the floor you use most often isn't against the rules - because you get to make the rules :)

There will come a point as people have said above where you get a little, then a little more of a break between feeds and sleeping.. this totally depends on your child.. but it will get easier, later will come the point where they get introduced to cartoons and stare at Peppa Pig for a full half hour while you tidy around them :)

If people do come round - don't be afraid to ask them to help out, and especially if they make any mess.. I had one family member who brought her toddler round a few times, each time they made so much mess and then just left - it took me up to a week to tidy the room afterwards, which sounds crazy.. but I should have been more assertive at the time and just asked them to help tidy, restore the room before they left.

RE: Home Start, I had a very bad experience where the volunteer told me in increasingly forceful ways that she was going to take my baby out/away from the house, then did (overriding my express wishes) - and Homestart were really 'off' with me for calling to describe that and just withdrew their services.. I won't go into the whole story, and not saying all their volunteers are like that, can tell some people on here have had good experiences - but just that note of caution, you should be able to be very clear with them what you need and where your boundaries are, and have them respect that.

Really hope you can take a deep breath, relax, go for some long walks and enjoy your baby :) xx

FishWithABicycle · 16/09/2015 04:47

With a baby under 6 months you are amazing if you and the baby are both dressed by 3pm.

Is there a vocational-type college near you? Our local college that has popular courses for NVQs in childcare links up their students with local mum's who need help. You get a bit of respite and they get some experience which counts towards their course credit.

EasterRobin · 16/09/2015 05:35

It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job. Congratulations on your baby and on successfully caring for her.

I think you're overestimating how much other people get done with such a very young baby. You will have time to clean, cook and tidy in a few months when there are bigger gaps between feeds and longer naps.

Work out the bare minimum you need to get by for now. You are breastfeeding so need to put your 3 meals a day up there as essential priorities too. Look to save time on preparing and cleaning by using ready meals/pre-made salads etc, batch cook and freeze several portions, and embrace easy options like porridge pots where you just add water (great snack for bf-ing mums). Put a blanket down for the baby and you don't need to hoover as often, and can wash it when there is vomiting etc. Focus you tidying on the room view you see most of the time. Keep cleaning wipes handy for a quick surface wipe-down in the kitchen & bathroom while you are waiting for the kettle to boil, etc.

But mostly just remember to congratulate yourself every day you look after your lovely new daughter. It will get easier.

EasterRobin · 16/09/2015 06:09

Also, I second the opinion you should get someone to look at your and your daughter's feeding technique. It sounds like a lot of feeds, so maybe (hopefully) there could be room for improvement and you could make your life easier that way.
And massage your boobs a bit mid-feed to help flow.

jobrum · 16/09/2015 06:14

Sometimes when my dd had a nap, I would do some cleaning. Dh once asked why I wasn't having a cup of tea/napping too etc and it was because vacuuming/dusting/wiping the kitchen made me feel like a functioning adult again! It is hard, especially when you spend all day in the house looking at it.

You are just getting to the point where it gets a teeny tiny bit easier. You might be able to put her in a bouncy seat for 20 minutes or so while you clean the bathroom or she'll have longer naps so you can wash up and have a cup of hot tea!

In a few weeks time she will happily be sat playing by herself for a good chunk of time and I promise that even though you have more time you will miss your tiny baby!

I found bags of chilled filled pasta great quick lunches btw. A couple of minutes in boiling water, bit of butter and parmesan, some fresh omatoes all make a speedy and enjoyable lunch.

FiftyShadesOfSporn · 16/09/2015 06:24

That loss of control (over environment, time, everything) is the hardest part of having a baby imo.

It is a hard adjustment.

sarah00001 · 21/09/2015 05:23

Thank you all for your great advice. I think I have been too hard on myself and had unrealistic expectations. I'm starting to get myself in a bit of a routine and it has helped as I feel more in control. I'm also doing things in small chunks, as suggested. I do have a sling, but I have a bad back and my baby is quite heavy, so I can't really use it. Luckily my baby is fine when I put her down and rarely cries. I'm going to try not to worry so much about the housework as it's more important to enjoy being with my baby as it's true that they grow up so fast.

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