Help me! Sorry a little long.

[tammybear]

Ive put other threads on about my ex, but he's still p**sing me off. So here's basically the past few months, crammed into hopefully a couple of paragraphs! (sorry this could be long)

I broke up with ex last August. He still loves me, and I think he is still hoping that one day I will take him back so we can be a family (we have a dd 2gether). He now lives in Derbyshire with his parents, and Im in Watford. That's roughly 3 hours drive. He spent 6 months living in Watford on his own, but he would never come to the house or see me, if he wanted to see dd. He would leave it for my mum to arrange, and see dd at her house. So he only saw her once a week, if that.

It came to the end of his 6 months contract for his rented room, and so he had to decide whether to carry on or leave it. However he got fired from his job. So in the end, he decided to go. Now me and ex have not gotten on since we broke up. I wanted us to be "friends" for the sake of dd, and so itd be easier for him to see her. But he always started arguing with me, and would even do it in front of dd, when he actually came to the house on one of his rare visits.

(sorry if you're getting confused!)

Anyway, it's been two months since he's been back at his parents. We've agreed that they come every 3 weeks, as that's when his parents have a weekend off work, so they can drive here to see dd, as ex cannot afford train fares and doesnt know how to drive.

He was saying he wants to have dd at his house for a weekend, but I am NO WAY happy about that. He had her for a weekend once before, and he did NOT contact me to let me know how things were going, and I was quite worried, as it was first time I was really away from dd. As a result, I ended up ill. (I suffer from anxiety) He keeps "begging" me to let him have her, and to do it as a favour for him. But Im not doing it just because he's playing the sympathy card or the guilt trip! Plus he has just broken up with his girlfriend of one or two weeks and so I think he's trying to cling onto what ever he has left = dd.

He has, and his parents, threatened to take me to court, and to throw orders at me etc. He is a very needy person, and is emotional unstable. He is not reliable or responsible. He cant even look after himself! God knows wot I found attractive in him before!!

He gives me £25 a week for maintenance (our own agreement) but when he was working full time before he got fired, he was told by CSA that he should be giving me £33 a week. He never changed it. But now he's saying he wants to stop paying me the maintenance because he has debts he needs to pay off, so cant afford to give it to me.

My mum keeps saying that when ex was about he said he'd never turn his back on dd, but she feels like he has, as he's left Watford, and is now wanting to stop maintenance.

I spoke to my health visitor today, and explained all this to her. She thinks that I shouldnt let ex have dd, as he is not stable enough, or responisble, and that it will just unsettle dd a lot. As ex only sees dd every 3 weeks, I dont think dd realises who he is. She recognises him, but I dont think she realises that he's as important as I am. She was saying I could go courts and say bout how ex is, and that I dont want him to have dd til I think hes more responsible etc. But I dunno if I wanna go to that extreme...

I also have a dp, who ex doesnt know about cos there's alot of history to that, which is a whole different story, but basically until dp moves in with me, or is more involved with dd, I dont think it is of any of ex's business to know. (please correct me if im wrong!)Well neway I said to ex on saturday one day i will meet someone else, and get married and have a family. And then he said that im going to do it in just spite of me, and just to piss him off (????????) and that im going to do it because i want him out of the picture and for dd to grow up with someone else as her dad. which is not true. iv always said id tell dd truth when shes old enough to understand and that ex will always be her dad.

He keeps saying he can never be a proper dad, but in my eyes, if he had made the effort to come and visit dd more when he was in Watford, maybe we could of got on in some terms, and made it easier for him to see dd, but now that he's moved back to his home, he's just made it more difficult for himself.

I think Ive babbled on enough now, but Im sure there's probably other stuff. I just wanted other people's views on my situation, and what would you do in my position?

phew!!!
bet you feel better for getting that off your chest.

perhaps you could speak to a solicitor about access, they give 30 mins free advice, just ring around your local ones, i did this and it put my mind at rest, if your on benefits, bring proof as they'll need it to sign off cost of consoltation to legal aid.

i think once you have sorted out access and found some 'head space' from your ex you'll begin to feel better.

i think your right;ex has no need to know about dp just yet, but you 'll need to tell him if things look serious between you two as dp will be a major factor in dds life. he needs to accept this and leave you two alone.

i don't know what to do regarding maintainance, it's hard if he's not working. i guess wait till he is, but if he starts to use it as a way of punishing you ie keeping money from you coz you won't play his games no more, then call CSA.

don't chase your ex any more, if he's not coping well thats his problem you need to move on. jeez why do we always fall for the wrong guy?.

any way dont worry, sound not unlike my situation and thousands of others, good luck.

thanks for reading it littlematilda. know its long lol!

with access, what would that do for me and ex? sorry im a little in the dark with all these orders and things.

he is working, but not working a lot, only 10 hours i think he said. ive been told that means he shouldnt be paying me maintenance, but when I try to contact CSA they're always engaged.

Tricky Tammy. Basically what you don't want is for him to tell dd when she's older that she doesn't know her dad well cos you wouldn't let him see her.
I would be tempted to formalise the arrangement to allow him access - but not overnight for the moment given your concerns. Think you can arrange meetings in neutral grounds but supervised by a social worker if you are seriously concerned re his stability. Would check this out.
Sounds like it's the grandparents that are doing the pushing here - pretty sure they have no rights.
Would definitely keep quiet re dp for the moment - don't want to give them ammo if they do decide to get legal.
If it was me and I could afford it I would say b**r the money - see what he coughs up, but don't push too hard - leave him string to hang himself, especially if they're threatening legal action.
All just my opinion and probably very wrong!!

That's what me and dp are afraid of cab. We think he's going to tell dd that dp split us up and that she should hate him, and that i stop ex from seeing dd.

Me and mum are quite certain that it is the grandparents that are doing most of the pushing, as once ex's dad rang me up saying that they have their rights to see dd and they'll get a solicitor if need be (this was at the easter weekend when i was busy)

I do wonder whether i should tell ex to stuff the maintenance payments. If it was this time last month, i probably would have, but this month Ive got myself into a bit of debt as ive had extra expenses to pay for a short trip away with dp at end of month but i dont know whether to go to CSA and get it done officially or not, as ive heard they take something like 30% off the payments for themselves or something.

How confusing! lol

hey tammy bear, just to put some person reflection on this, I wouldnt trust my DD with my exP for all the tea in china, he is in my and others opinion unstable. Im lucky as my inlaws agree that he should have private access. I am ina differnent boat to you as exP lives in Australia, not that it helps much as there is a court order that states' it is maternal responsibility to provide access twice a year, for a total period of 6 weeks' which equates to alot of travel! or money for tickets for him. Im in my second year of this and as he doenst speak to me or aknowledge DD its hard to provide access, so this year his folks are visiting amd have offered him a ticket! he isnt coming but it classes as one of my access trips os i only have to offer one more this year! I wont panic till he says he wants to see her, but to add to plan info I have an agreement with my health visitor here (UK) and my child nurse (Aus)that he is in there opinion unsuitable to have unsupervised access, due to a lack of contacvt with her and 'anit-social habits' Although he doenst have a drink or a drugs problem, his boss smokes week all day and id be sure he dabbles and most nights he drinks. So to stop my rabbiting try and arrange a supervised visit. I think if your social workhealth visitor cant arrange somewhere, Mine would be at the local surgey if he ever wanted to see her, try social services, they have a duty of care for your daughters wellbeing.
Hope that may have helped. Cant speak about the CSA as i deal with my solictor and CSA Australia. CSA UK didnt want to know! luckily i am dual citizen so i have a claim!
keep ane, it will get better!

Well, ex is coming on sunday with his parents to see dd. Usually my mum stays with me through their visit for moral support. But she thinks that she shouldn't come, as maybe if she isnt there, they will actually speak to me about things that matter, like maintenance and contact etc. They don't say anything in front of my mum, as they've got on the wrong side of her before so won't want to say anything to upset her; and usually ignore me and ask my mum questions over dd.

Im in some ways up for this, but in others not, as Im sure they'll try to "gang" up on me, plus they wind me up very easily, and I see myself losing my rag very quickly. Although it should only be about 4 hours. hmmm.....

tammybear - Am I right in thinking that there'll be 3 of them coming to visit, and just you and your dd? I've been a "moral supporter" in a situation a bit like this and I think it's essential for you to have some back-up. If your Mum thinks it best not to be there all the time, how about her ringing or calling past "On her way to the shops" to ask if you need anything - this being a code for back-up? In the situation that I was in, I was absolutely essential for the safety of the woman concerned, protecting her from verbal bullying and physical abuse, but your situation may be totally different. I hope so. Take care xx

tiamaria - yea there will be 3, ex, his mum and his dad, maybe his sister, but doubtful. i have surprised them in the past by having a go back at them about stuff, as they usually try to get the upper hand on me, as since Im dd's main carer and have the main say, they try to go round it. They do tend to play mind games. The idea of my mum just "passing by" is a good idea. I will have to suggest that to her! Thanks

tammybear - Glad to be of some help. You are, I think, about the same age as the woman I was supporting. She really needed her friends and family around to support her through that difficult time. Make as much use of yours as you need. I think you're doing really well. Good luck xx

Thanks tiamaria

Im just double checking this. Is access where someone supervises ex with dd once arranged with courts or whoever

Ex was in touch today. God I could kill him!!!

He and his parents are coming tomorrow. And today he text me saying it was just his parents coming tomorrow. I asked him why and he wouldnt give me a reason. Our arrangement is for him to come down every 3 weekends as his parents are off then so can drive him down and see dd too. But in 3 weeks time, on their next visit, his parents are away on holiday, so it wont be til another 6 weeks before they see her after tomorrow. I said to him that if he's not careful dd is going to forget who he is, and I called him a hypocrit as he keeps moaning he can never be a proper dad, and never gets to see her.

He then said that she has already forgotten him, and that he's starting to give up. I said that it's his loss, but he said that he knows it is, but at the end of the day he already has. He then turns around and says he will only come if he doesnt have to see me. I told him he has to see me to see dd, as we come in a package. Where she is, I am. Where I am, she is. Any way he started moaning, saying he knows that he has to see me in some ways but its his problem. I said he's got to sort this out, as he can't be like this when dd is older, keep changing his mind about seeing her at the last minute just because he doesnt want to see me, and told him that he seems to forget that I dont particularly want to see him but i make the effort for dd. I then said that he keeps moaning that he cant be a proper dad but dis isnt the way 2 behave.

He then says if we dont want to see each other then lets not. and that his mistakes as a dad are not based on not loving dd, they are based on me. by this point, i had enought so said that him seeing dd shouldnt be affected by me as lots of seperated parents put their kids first and make the effort just like im doing. and that if he doesnt want to see me, then how does he expect to see dd. I cant leave her on her own whilst i leave the house and let her wait for him to turn up. i then told him he had to chose whether to be in dd's life or not. he says that i have to understand that there are difficult things for him to deal with (which i do understand but its not like my life is plain sailing) and that he's sorry for messing me around, and he'll come tomorrow.

so now that ive got that off my chest i feel alot better, but ive got to deal with him tomorrow. oh the joys of it all!! wish me luck!!

Hope it all went ok?
I believe that access acn be detailed as supervised or not... Grounds need to be given, in your case you could get or request he has a psychiatric assesment before any decision is made. Given the lack of contact, his unreliability and his evident depression. All make him unstable and a potential risk to his daughter. If he wishes to see your daughter without you he can ask the courst to agree to that, however you can also ask for an independant responsible person to represnet you during all of his visit. I know its hard but as he is playing games and not visiting when he says he will id put my foot down? Say no... he cant just come when he wants to! You have a life too! If in doubt make something up? Just be out! I think he is playing with your mind a bit too much, playing the sympathy vote, the just tell me im right one? so he can feel better.
anyway hope it all went well!

It went ok thanks chloeb2002. He was trying to be nice towards me to make up for what had happened the day before, but I tried to keep out of the way, so him and his parents could spend time with dd. I shouldnt be seeing them for another 6 weeks now