Living Nightmare - please help - sorry - long post

[Toastandmarmite123]

Hi,

I split from my partner 3 years ago and have a 4 year old son.
I moved to small village when we split to be close to my elderly parents 10 miles away - I knew no one here and had to build my life from scratch.
It soon became obvious that my son doesn't like socialising with other kids, so we've been isolated here and I've still not made any concrete friendships. It's been a very lonely 3 years and to be honest, I can't wait until he starts school in September (which he's going to HATE).
The only thing that kept me going is my Dad....who died 3 weeks ago very suddenly.

Now. I know I'm still grieving but the following facts existed before his death:

1. I don't like my mother - she's nasty and negative
2. This is hard for me to write - but I don't have a bond with my son and sometimes fantasise about giving him up for adoption
3. Although our relationship is amicable, I tolerate my ex and (probably like us all here, wish I could never see him again) - he's selfish and lazy.

However, these are the only three people I have in my life. My friends from before the birth of my son are 200 miles away and I miss them/miss the life I had only 5 years ago. I never go out, I sit here on my own every night - have done for 3 years now. I do voluntary work, but it's led to no friendships.
Since my Dad's death, my mother wants to suddenly hang out with me (she was never interested in me or my life) and wants to see my son more (whom she adores despite his weirdness).
She's talking about moving closer to us. I don't want to spend more time with her.
I have to take my son to visit his Dad every 3 weeks and because of my son's weirdness, he doesn't want to be left there without me, so I have to stay with them, where I do all the playing with son while Daddy sits on his arse playing with his phone.

I want to run away.
I have NO LIFE.
I've sacrificed everything for a son I don't bond with and I'm living my life for other people, and as my mother ages, I can see me looking after her which I'm going to really resent.

I miss my Dad so much - he was my rock and now what? How on earth do I move forwards?

Thanks for reading x

I'm so sorry about your Dad. I just wish I could give you a big hug, you have such a lot going on & understandably must feel pretty overwhelming.

I really think & I say this with experience, that you need to see your GP asap - this week. They will be able to help with some medication if appropriate, to help you through the really tough grieving period and perhaps signpost you to some counselling.

Your Mum sounds like a complex situation. I'll say this as someone who is NC with a very destructive mum. You do not have to do anything you don't want to. You owe no duty to your mum.

Please get some help, from your post I kind of pick up that you have some concerns about your son? If so, talk to the school - maybe talk to GP as well.

be gentle with yourself, these are hard, dark days. It will pass, I know I really know it won't seem like that. But things will improve when you get some help. PM me if you'd like. Stay safe

I think you need to focus on seeking professional help with your son. it sounds like he may have some form of autism and you need help to come to terms with it and to embrace it and understand it for both your sakes. Once you feel better able to accept him for who he is and find strategies to cope with his quirks then everything else will hopefully get a bit easier.

Don't worry about your mother, you don't need to jump to her tune although if your son has a good bond with her then I would think twice before you sever ties. Just learn to be assertive and don't feel guilted into changing your routine to accommodate her.

Sounds like you have it tough right now. Couldn't you move back to your old place?

Speak to your gp about how you are feeling and any concerns about your son.

I'd go for drink with you if I could. All my friends are childless on holiday at work or busy .

So so sorry about your dad. that is hard.

Have you had an assessment for your son? There may be some supports in place that might help him and you.

Don't stay with your ex when he is having his child. Leave. See what happens. your ex will have to deal with it. You need a break or you will break yourself.

Maybe consider moving back closer to friends before school starts - although only i you think this will actually help you and be a support to you.

I think the big thing here as others have said is that you have concerns about your son. If you deal with that everything else might get easier.

And go easy on yourself. losing a parent is really hard.

Have you spoke to anyone about your son? Like a PP suggested he could be on the spectrum, maybe ask for him to be assessed?

Could you move? Would that be a possibility?

Perhaps see your GP and tell them how you're feeling, support is out there

Sorry to hear about your dad

Thanks for all your comments.

Aoifebell - I couldn't afford to move back unfortunately - I used to live in Inner London and always wanted my kid to go to school out of a city, which he's doing, but I always thought I'd be doing it as a family unit and not as a single mum!

Canyouforgiveher - I couldn't do that to him - he would be sooo upset - he cries every time I take him into nursery as it is - he still needs me right now. I put him first with everything. I popped out the last time we visited to get some milk and he was distraught....

Regarding my son, his speech was delayed and I took him to a therapist who diagnosed him as having 'hypersensitivity'. He's hyper sensitive to sound (hence not liking loud screaming/squealing kids/kids parties/hairdressers/festivals)...you get the picture. I have spoken to my GP about him and he's suggested that I wait until a few weeks into school and if he's in agony about going, then to get him properly assessed. I've informed the school of his quirks - they will keep and eye on him.

But I look after him as a sense of 'duty' and not particularly 'of love' - although I love him in a weird way, but I still wish, I could just get on a train, leave them all behind and not come back.

I'm anti-medication so I'm not going down that route. I guess this is my lot and I have to deal with it. I just cling to hope in the knowledge that a lot can happen in a year, and that this time next year, things will be better.

Thanks again xx

I respect your views on medication, maybe counselling would help?

I've had a couple of therapy stints, both have helped me in different ways - I'm so much stronger and forgiving of myself now.

Keep strong and keep posting. There's always someone here ready to listen and hold your hand x

Can you say a bit more about your son's early years and your bond with him then? How was the pregnancy and birth? Did you have pnd? Were you able to breastfeed? Is it a case of needing more respite for yourself? I think this relationship needs attention, he is still so young and you can turn it around with the help of a family therapist and some time to yourself. X

Please get referred to a bereavement counsellor. A good one will help with other stuff too. You need real life person to bounce things off.

Stop staying with ypur son at his dad s. It's no good for anyone. If his dad won't have him alone then don't take him.

Get some referrals for your son. National autism society programmes like early bird can help you learn how to interact with your son in a way that works for both.Or similar parent and child sessions. Getting a diagnosis will help your son and you. Ask school to refer him as soon as term starts. Don't wait.

Set boundaries with your mum. Eg agree to meet once per week and stick to that.

A counsellor can help with all of this. See a bereavement counsellor as they can help you deal with your mum.gp can refer you to nhs counselling. Mine was fab.

And remember your job is to teach your son to manage without you eg at school or with other people. Putting him first also means teaching him to be ok without you and teaching him that you need to go get milk sometimes. What does his dad say ? Why can't his dad interact with him ?

Think through your thoughts on giving him up for adoption...this might help you see whether you really see that as an option...for example.... You won't leave him alone with his own father. So how would you hand him over to adoptive parents ?
Does not seem logical...

However if you do want to consider it then you would need to speak to social services or adoption agencies aNd find out the process...sometimes seeing how it would actually work can help see more clearly. ...
So maybe instead go back to the therapist who saw him and get him some sensory integrating therapy. Get an assessment with psychologist and get done strategies to address behaviours like getting distraught coz you gone. . Remember that he is not being harmed or neglected if you leave him with other people... Kids are good at being distraught but can be taught to be ok with being left in some one else's care.

What does your son like doing?
How does he entertain himself if you busy ? Can he be alone okay g in another room while you in the kitchen ?

Have you considered buying your son noise cancelling headphones...? I bought a pair for each of my kids when we went to a music festival a couple of years ago and they worked a treat... i tried them and they blocked out so much noise, it was amazing. HTH and mahoosive (((((((hugs)))))))