New here & can't move on

[Dmfuller79]

Hi
I've been reading threads for weeks & thought I'd have a go & see if anyone has any wise words.
My now ex husband left me & our 9 year old son (he's 11 now) in January 2014. He'd told me he just didn't love me anymore but as this was the 3rd time he'd left for us to "have a break" I assumed he'd come back. I'd had a niggling feeling he was cheating for a while so in April 2014 I got chatting to s male friend through Facebook who happened to work abroad. We'd been talking for a few weeks & I saw him when he got back to the UK. One day my ex husband turned up on my doorstep & told me he'd been reading our messages through Facebook private messenger & wanted to come home. He also told me he had been having an affair since summer 2013 with a 21 year old girl he worked with (I was 34 at the time ????). I was torn between him & the new guy but so wanted a family that I considered taking him back. Fast forward 3 days, he asks to see me & tells me he actually doesn't want to come home & his mistress is pregnant!!! I was distraught. I have no family in the area where i live & all my friends are loved up families. The ex husbands family were my family too, I really felt like a daughter to his parents but the whole family have accepted his mistress in to their family & ive been pushed aside by my ex & his family. I feel completely alone. Things didn't work out with the guy from abroad, he was only interested in one thing ????. So I also work & my son goes to his paternal grandparents during the holidays but only during the day. He stays with his dad, the mistress & their son 5 nights out of 14 & when he comes home he has gifts, money & new clothes. I feel like I can't move on as I'm constantly in contact with the ex & his family due to the childcare situation. I have absolutely no confidence & feel like I'm no use to anyone so dont feel like I would ever attract anyone else.
Sorry for the long story but I wonder if anyone else has experienced anything similar? Just want to know if there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for reading ????

You sound like the little match girl looking through the window at Christmas. Your son will soon realise that gifts dont make you a good parent, and although he wont show it, he will appreciate you in the long run.
I would suggest any relationship teaches you what you dont want. Theres no rush, and now is the time to look after you, find some things you want to do, experience,

Hi DM
Sounds like you've been through an unbelievably tough time, yet been amazingly strong and brilliant, looking after yourself & your son throughout these horrible events. Sorry you've had to endure all of this.
I split up with my ex 18 months ago & yea, it's tough not getting the closure when you have kids.
I spent a long time focussing on me & my daughter & enjoying not living with a twat. I've had a few dates, and a brief relationship, but am back being single now and enjoying the peace & quiet & doing what I want..
Sounds like you are so much better off without this man & I hope you can build your confidence again. Are there any new hobbies or sports you fancy trying? Nights out with friends? Social groups? Sometimes it's just a case of getting out there & meeting new people. I hope things work out for you. You sound great

Thank you for your kind words. I'm unbelievably scared of being rejected again so I'm finding it hard to get out of my comfort zone. I have moments where I think I can do it, I can meet new people & try new things but there's this little voice in my head telling me I'm no good & it's not worth it as I'll probably fail. I'd like to extinguish that voice for good but for some reason, although it's probably childhood issues, I feel like I need others to validate my existence. I hope I can get over the betrayal soon & just get on with my life but right now it feels like my ex, his new family & my old family have been able to just get on with their lives a& it's all a bed of roses. I do feel like a lost little girl & sometimes forget that I'm an adult that should just "grow a pair" as they say x

Have you thought about/had counselling, DM?

Yes I have had some counselling but that was when he first left & it ended before he told me about the affair. I've tried to get counselling again but there isn't anything in my area now unless I pay which at the moment I can't afford. GP has prescribed anti depressants again so hopefully they'll take the edge off ????

Hi
I really am sorry you have had such a pants time. There's a lot of men out there , a lot are twats sadly But they are not all twats. Honestly.

I don't know how to send flowers acronym on this iPad but I am sending a huge huge bunch .
I think you are brilliant .. Super strong.

It will get easier
It will

Are you able to get any exercise in ? .. I did go on anti depressants initially after my horrible divorce but I swapped them for going for gold in a high intensity class.

Also when you are feeling stronger , maybe internet dating ?? ( not to be confused with bonking) I met some shockers, got some funny stories and met some good guys . Fell in love even .

Sending hugs x x x

????????????????

Oh op I just read your other post
No you do not need to grow a pair
... At all
You have an enormous pair !!!! Honestly don't be so hard on yourself.
This man and the situation has naturally kicked your self confidence.
You are spectacular to have coped

Is there a hobby you have always secretly wanted to try ? Can you try it on weekends ds is away? I know it's really scary. I know. I know

X x x

It is most definitely scary. I do have something I really want to have a go at doing but my motivation is very low & hopefully the meds will help to fix that x

Go for it, DM!

Exercise helped me build up my confidence again & defo contributed to helping mental health too...got a bit hooked & did a marathon in April after some pretty intensive training. Never thought I'd do that.
You've been amazingly strong getting through all this headfuck stuff DM. The world's your oyster. Get the ball rolling with what you want to do and who knows who you'll meet along the way

How are you getting on, DMfuller?

It's going from bad to worse to be honest. Trying so hard to keep positive but just keep getting knocked back. Took my son on holiday Monday & supposed to go home Friday. It's Wednesday & we're going home. I just can't handle all the moaning & whining about the weather & the boredom. I tried to occupy him with games, cards etc but he just wants to go to his dad's. I know I'm the adult & I should be strong & put my feelings aside for him but I'm exhausted from trying so hard. I give up!

That sounds really tough. Bet the crap weather hasn't helped? ( if applicable-rubbish here!)
How old's your boy?

Yeah the weather was awful but I tried my best. My sons 11 so I know he's going through lots of different changes himself but it still hurts