DD struggling with us being apart

[ittooshallpass]

I have been a single mum to DD since she was 3. She's now 6. Despite my best efforts, contact with her dad is hot/ cold at best. It's not unusual for him to have no contact with her for 6-8 weeks at a time.

He has been better of late, but only because I feel she is old enough to spend time with him after school. He picks her up and brings her home around 6pm just as I get home from work.

I have no financial choice but to work full-time and with no family support have a lovely childminder who DD is happy to go to before and after school.

Weekends are really precious times for myself and DD; it's 'our' time and we always find time to get out and about around household chores.

Sorry this is a bit ramble, but just trying to set the scene of the great relationship I have with DD. She is a loving child and pleasure to be around. We both enjoy the free time we get together.

So... we are only 3 weeks into the dreaded summer holidays and as I cannot afford for her to go to holiday clubs, she is staying with family over 100 miles away... and surprisingly her dad.

I went to see her this weekend. Had missed her desparately. And by all accounts she had missed me too... but she said some really hurtful things! Said she couldn't remember what I looked like and I was no longer part of her family!

She was really grumpy for the first 24 hours we were together... Which when you only have 48 hours is really sad.

I know she has a great time with family... they make a huge fuss of her and she adores her cousins. So why does she do this?

Does anyone else have problems with their child in this way?

I'm back home now and feeling a bit flat. Not helped when I saw how delighted she was to see the aunty she is staying with this week!

I miss her so much ????

I think some of this is separation difficulties... My Ds used to be really angry towards me when he would go back to school after the holidays..

I tried mentioning I had thought about him when I had my lunch wondering if he was having his..I looked out the window and it was raining I hoped i wasn't at playtime..so he knew I was thinking of him..It may of been that or that he grew up a bit more or combination of the 2 .

Remember they don't process their emotions they way we expect.

Thank you for your reply starlight. I was just a little taken aback by her comments. I stayed calm on the outside, but was dying inside.

Not sure how best to play it. Do I just ignore it or tell her it makes me sad?

We've got another 5 weeks to go before she goes back to school...! She'll be away for at least 3 of those ????

She won't talk on phone. Her dad has never allowed her to call me when she's with him (and ignores phone if I try to call her ????) so she has got into habit of never phoning me when she's away, regardless of who she's with.

I guess I just have to sit tight and wait for holidays to be over and pray we get back to normal quickly!

She'll be fine when she comes home. A couple of weeks is a long time in the life of a little girl. It's better that she's settled and happy than sad and missing you.

Yes just ignore it ..

I think we all know the kids words wound..I remember the first time my DS told me I was the worst parent in the whole wide world..I knew he was upset he hadn't got his own way..I know not perfect but not a bad parent.. however it hurt..I never let him know how it hurt me.

I agree it is tough on both of you...Just make sure you return to nirmal when home not over compensating.

Another thing that may help.. not now but after you next see her..When My Ds has gone on sleepovers or had a babysitter he tends to have a cry at bedtime..I think the time he likes and is used to me been there. I write him a note with our goodnight ritual on it..I do it on red paper in the shape of a heart..He has a bit of me with him....

When my DS first started coming home from his dad's on a Sunday it was a nightmare.

Massive attitude, being really rude and personal to me.

Then by bed time in hysterics crying and upset.

It's boundary pushing. I think. They need to know you are the one person they can rely on.

It won't have gone unnoticed that her father is in and out of her life and she can't depend on him. She needs to know she can depend on you, no matter how hard she pushes.

It's fecking soul destroying at times.

There is no way in hell id let him continue that crap about no contact though. Don't miss a day to tell her that her mum loves her and wishes her a goodnight and a happy day.

she is trying it on for size seeing what reaction she gets...pushing you away to get you closer..

she couldn't remember what I looked like

response:
"oh i see. how could we make it so you don't forget what i look like? perhaps a photo?"
"really? well i am going to send you a very big photo of me so you don't forget!"

"how about you draw me right now so you remember for next time?"

and I was no longer part of her family!
"well you and me will always be family, wherever you are"

"what makes a family? shall we draw a family tree?" (will have circles of people, the closest blood family ties, the ones she sees in summer, friends as well.

"does being in the same room or location change who your family is?"

"am I still your mummy when I am not next to you?"

acknowledge what she is saying, reflect it back and let her come up with a solution too...