New byfriend romance and courtship lsot in translation

[KatieMaddocks]

Hi all,
Something I would like to share and get your help on, it was hard to write this out so please do not be unkind.
I met a guy online and our courtship and romance started off quite fast, he did all the planning, pursuing, courting and reaching out to me as well as calling, texting and making sure we have plans. we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months now, twice a week (Wednesday evening for a date in town) and on Saturday when we spend the whole day together and I stay over at his house.

We enjoy each other's company but have delved into conversations about children, family, marriage as I am 35 and had been married (no kids) before, he is 44, never married/no kids. I have voiced a desire to have a family soon with the right person, he said he wants the same. He has said he does not believe in marriage - parents divorced when he was 10 - and that he can have kids and 'then see if marriage can be on the cards'.

I am not entirely happy with it as it means he has 100% commitment from me and no recognition on paper/formally. He does say he loves me, he said it first and pursued me, but now calls less and rarely texts, also we met on Wednesday after a great weekend and he said that he was going on a finance course the next day and wanted us to finish early. I asked him if he wanted to meet at all, as he seemed distracted, a little aloof/cold and did not compliment me on my dress, looks - which he rarely does anyway, less to nothing now - and was not in a hugging/affectionate mood. I told him in a bar that I would love to see his affection and emotions and that I really like if we're tender with each other. He told me he has come out to meet only because I 'would give him grief if we didn't meet on Wednesday' and that I 'always pick an argument'.
I feel I cannot discuss the affection issue with him, he closes off and sees it as me nagging him. It felt like I was an old wife he got bored of and we're only dating 3 months!

Needless to say, I was upset, he saw me off home, did not get out of the car to say goodbye and walk me to my house. I invited him in, he declined. He wanted a kiss, I briefly kissed him and jumped out of his fancy car. He was angry I did not properly kiss him and I ended up saying why don't you come up for 5 mins? Big mistake. We ended up having sex which was mediocre (unlike before), he left and said 'cheers' on his way out....!!! Then returned realising it's wrong and just to almost tick the box said 'love ya'.

I feel like he has intimacy issues and does see me as wife/GF material but is not in love with me. He cannot say it to me face to face, plus if I bring up affection, hugs and kisses or calling during the week he gets angry and defensive. I do not know what to do and feel awful as it feels like he lost interest after hunting a beautiful girl down (he told me he was very proud a beautiful girl like me went out with him).

I feel broken hearted, upset and not loved/respected because of his recent treatment and how he talks to me on a daily basis (no compliments, cute words, no feelings.)

I played by the rules, did not pursue him, did never call him, rarely returned calls. What happened and is there a future here? Am I blind and need to move on if he does not appreciate me?

Another fact is that I am a high earner compared to him 9 years younger and have a really good job/lifestyle which he does not have to the same extent. Being a macho and a red-blooded male male, it does bother him I think. Nothing I can do about it, but thought it's important to point out. I love him the way he is, and my only criticism is absence of emotions/affection/hugs and compliments, as I am a fairly good looking girl who is used to swim in men's attention and adoration.

He does also routinely swear at waiters, people in cars and sometimes me - he has called me a 'dick' when I unbuttoned his shirt's top button, 'an arsehole', and told me 'not to behave like a bitch'. I find this really shocking as my mum and dad never speak like this, but he says it is okay and he is not meaning anything nasty by it.

What is your advice on this for the future? It was hard writing this and I really would like your point of view. I love him but not sure how/if this can work which fills me with fear and sadness.

[balloongoespop]

I am guessing if you were to get pregnant he would be the first to lay the blame at your door and would most likely announce you had 'trapped' him. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Please tell us he is dumped?!

[KatieMaddocks]

Balloon, hope not, you're being harsh. I do not think he would say that. Plus, I am at a stage in life when I want a baby for me, yes selfish, yes alone, yes hard. I have seen and heard too many stories and don't believe I will ever find a decent man....I am tall, slim, I have a great job and I never found 'the right guy'. And it won't happen as he does it quite often (2-3 times a day, I know it is crazy!!) and I bet it has water in it now, nothing fertile left.

[KatieMaddocks]

Nicki, it is very very sad.....I did not tell him I love him for a long time and waited for him to say it several times first. He took it as he doesn't have to try anymore which is extremely sad;-((((

[KatieMaddocks]

How do I move this into Relationships~?

[Stubbed]

He sounds awful. How do you think he will cope when you have a newborn and a toddler and no one has had any sleep? Will he sit upright holding the baby for half the night so you can sleep, like my husband would? Doesn't sound like it.

Please try not to sound so desperate. He is not what you want. Good relationships are not like this. I didn't meet my husband til I was 34, you are not old.

[KatieMaddocks]

I am not desperate!! I am heart broken because he swept me off my feet and he was great for 2 months. I just realise having a baby is all I need, no husband or BF. That's all.

[KatieMaddocks]

Stubbed, not many people would hold a baby half the night...I know it from many stories of friends, you are lucky. We have NO BABY though, it is not the issue....

[balloongoespop]

You can move the thread to Relationships by asking MNHQ by reporting your post. Click on the Report button and ask them to move it.

I am not meaning to be harsh, btw. I just want you to see things clearly and not a romantic notion of someone. He seems to have said plenty of other unpleasant things, by your own admission.

And of course he is fertile, no matter what he is doing 2-3 times a day.

[avocadotoast]

He's a dickhead. Bin him off. You can always tell a person's true colours by the way they treat waiters.

[CtrlAltDelicious]

I just realise having a baby is all I need,
You will not find many on here who will agree with this

[KatieMaddocks]

Balloon, I know - you're harsh like someone with no rosy spectacles. I broke down in tears today at work for no reason, this was my final straw...

I still see him romantically and was on my own for a year so it was making me extra giddy with happiness...I was so happy to see him, hug and walk holding hands.

[KatieMaddocks]

avocadotoast, this is what I said to him when he told off the gay waiter in a restaurant for putting too much bernaise sauce in his dish...I was shocked as he told me loudly - and waiter could her it!!! - that he wants to smash his head and this is 'his tip' (as in not money tip, but bit of advice).

[KatieMaddocks]

I know but do want one. I have money, a job and people who would raise it with me. I am so done with guys who cannot commit./....awful city for finding true love;-(((

[CtrlAltDelicious]

How awful for the gay waiter...

[balloongoespop]

We have all had our fingers burnt but that is no reason to stay and accept more shitty treatment.
I know that I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell myself not to put up with things I did put up with. So to hear that he calls you names (as just one example) makes us want you to see what he is like.

[balloongoespop]

Please read this advice from Reality , which is from the sticky on top of the Relationships board.

Every person deserves to have a relationship where they are treated with respect, love and equality.

There is never an excuse for verbal, physical or financial abuse.

If you partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

You can't change an abusive man by being 'better' or sticking by him where others haven't, or by changing yourself.

Most people have happy relationships, where disagreements happen and are resolved without resorting to shouting, name calling or violence or screwing someone else.

Most people's partners are happy for them to pursue their own friendships and interests, work and education, have access to money, make decisions.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

Don't be fooled into thinking that dysfunctional relationships are the norm. There are many of them on here, but then people don't tend to ask for advice on healthy relationships, so we hear less about them.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all.

Nobody should live their life in fear of angering their partner, or skirting round issues that might upset him. Or put up with cheating and lying for fear of rocking the boat.

Nobody should 'stay together for the children', or because of your marriage vows. If your husband treats you badly, he has broken the vows. Children are much much happier being brought up by parents who live apart than in an atmosphere of fear and loathing.

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Just because all your friends are in bad relationships, doesn't mean that you have to be.

I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood.

If he abuses you, he is not a good father. Good fathers don't treat the mother of their children with disrespect.

It doesn't matter how much he says sorry and makes it up to you, if he continues to abuse you those apologies are worthless.

Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.

There is never a reason to stay with an abusive man. He won't kill himself if you leave him, he won't take your children, and yes, everybody will believe you.

I probably have loads more to say on the subject but I will leave it there for now.

Much love to everybody.

[mummy0bummy]

Sorry but this guy is rubbish! Don't respond to him again. Get out dating again.

[goddessofsmallthings]

He's little more than an acquaintance and you claim to 'love' him? And you've been having unprotected sex with this clearly abusive and controlling tosspot?

FGS what possessed you to run the risk of breeding with this misogynistic Neanderthal throwback?

You may be a high earner compared to him but I very much doubt that you're paid for using your brain otherwise you would have seen through his act and dumped his sorry arse 'almost' 3 months ago.

[pinkyredrose]

OP do you really want this mysogonist arsehole to be the father of your baby and to be tied to him forever? Honestly you've got your head in the clouds. He was forceful about not using condoms? No decent person would do that. He'll have told the other 400 women he's shagged about the '3 clean exs' too.

Get to the STI clinic, no more sex without a condom! For Christ's sake get some respect for yourself!

[pinkyredrose]

OP if a baby is all you want then get thee a referral to a sperm bank.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, you really, really need to think seriously about this.

You are with a man who is treating you really badly - in fact, he's treating you as badly as it's possible to treat someone. He is risking pregnancy (which you would have to bear alone, because, let's face it, he wouldn't be anywhere to be seen) just because he doesn't want to use condoms. He did this without your consent - he may have assumed consent, but that's only because he was thinking with his dick.

You are an attractive woman with a good job. What the HELL are you doing with this man? He is really, really awful.

Dump him pronto.

The worst case scenario would be that you marry him and have a child. Seriously. He would be an awful husband and an awful father.

[ImperialBlether]

Have you thought of using a matchmaking service? It might be expensive but I think the people signing up to it would want a serious relationship, whereas all the dicks doing online dating are more likely to be messing around like kids in a sweet shop.

[Topseyt]

He does not want to "waste his time" responding to what he terms your "junk" texts

I think you should stop wasting your time sending them. Stop wasting your time with him. He sounds most unpleasant, and hardly a catch.

He thinks he has you just where he wants you, under his thumb and under his control. Show him he hasnt.

If I were to respond at all to his texts from this morning it would simply be to tell him that I couldn't stand sulky, stroppy twats like him and would no longer be wasting my own time with him.

[mummy0bummy]

OP please tell us you're going to kick him to the kerb. He just sounds horrible.

[KatieMaddocks]

goddessofsmallthings - You are very offensive. I have a good job because I deserve it and have good education, no need for vitriol if you have no idea who the asker is. You're either supposed to be helpful or not read posts you do not like. No need for abuse, as you begin to look like this acquaintance I have made online...