Contact - reasonable arrangements?

[ninah]

Hi I am new lone mum, left exp end August and so far he has not seen children. He now wants to see them both next Sunday, and proposes picking them up from here (2.5 hour drive away) and taking them out for afternoon to local castle. My preference was to meet on neutral ground so he could have lunch with ds and I could be on hand for 11 month dd who is v attached to me and will not remember her father (he spent little time with her previously). I said I would not join them for lunch (confusing for ds who still remembers us together) but would be close by in case dd got upset. He has a 16 year old son from a previous relationship who will also be present. When I suggested instead of him picking children up that we met etc he replied 'in that case I won't be coming'. Should I persevere or accept it is as a lost cause? I am nervous about having him in house as he has been abusive and on occasion violent in the past.

your suggestion was totally sensible imo. stick to your guns re what you feel is best for your dc's.

ta! I thought so too! my instincts are definitely to take charge of this meeting - it's been a struggle getting them happy and settled and I want them to stay that way. To me his saying 'my way or the high way' proves his priority is NOT the children, but I want to be 100% sure I'm acting out of love not malice (left to myself I'd never ever see or hear from him again tbh)

I think your suggestion was perfectly reasonable.

It seems a bit strange to me for your H to say either his way or not at all. Surely this should be about his kids? It makes me wonder

Nope i too totally agree with you ,i had a similiar problem with ex ,too long to go into it all but basically the same,my dd was too young for him to know her and our eldest ds has severe autism which ex has no clue how to deal with.I set the rules for contact,he messed them about continually so in the end i banned all contact from him,this lasted a year till i got them settled and stable then i contacted him again and we have since re-started contact and he seems to have realised the error of his ways and what it done to the children.
hope you sort something out but remember you are wiht the kids 247 so no-one knows them better!

phewie! great to have my thoughts confirmed. yup, mamama, to the 'I'm not coming then' text I replied 'the children are supposed to come first not you or I' heard nothing since ...
Yup fio he is a total control freak - he also has this scary fake 'responsible' persona that takes in a lot of people. It will be more important to him to call the shots than that the children are OK with it all. Actually why the hell I was with him I have no idea now I think of it. But they are fantastic children!
I'm a bit scared he'll just turn up at the house anyway - what would you do? I thought of sending another text to say 'sorry you have decided against meeting this time but let me know in future should you change your mind' and then going away for the day - does that sound a bit cowardly? I am honestly dreading meeting him but I WILL do it, if it can be arranged properly
Loobie good to hear your ex has learnt from his mistakes! you were really kind to me when I was preggers don't know if you remember - anyway life is definitely improved since I finally left
Grateful for any thoughts about next Sunday and advice in general about dealing with this kind of thing

Think you are right.Definatly don't let him come to the house ,it is your house and you don't have to 'invite' him if you don't want to.Don't text again its pandering to his paddy.
Good luck

lol at 'pandering to his paddy'
you're right you know
I just dont want him to turn up and for there to be a scene.

Yes, because of the gap so far and the age of the youngest. He needs to agree regular contact, gradual at first which he sticks to.

regular contact would be great but I doubt it will happen unless we move back nearer, which I have certainly considered. However I've been around for a number of years and have seen dss's weekend contact - he picks him up drops him off at home in front of tv/computer/playstation and spends weekend in pub, bringing back takeaways intermittently. So I'm not looking on it as the holy grail here.
I am feeling sick with nerves at the thought of him turning up here.

I think you've been perfectly reasonable - I'd go out for the day tomorrow if you're worried - not that you shoud have to!

I think I will (chicken emoticon)
My stomach is in knots now even thinking about it.

Good luck

how did it go?

oh Nikkie thanks for asking! I would have been on before but this computer is So slow I have been trying to log on at library - queues - anyway. On Sunday I waited outside pub where I'd suggested and HE DID NOT COME! sorry to say but I am SO relieved! ds had lovely time playing, I did not say much to him about why we there. Then as contingency we went into town to watch Xmas lights go on. Had great day. I think ds picked up on something cos he was in a bad mood all week since but it would have been much much worse if there had been scene. I doubt we'll hear from ex now, he loves his batchelor life and tbh I feel quite glad to be bringing them up alone. I worry if they'll suffer for missing a dad, but I think they'll suffer less than if we'd stayed together! it is good just to feel relaxed when you come in and night and close the front door, not tense. I feel quite matriarchal about it, we are still be a family.

At least you can say you tried!

Hohoho at your name! yes, I feel absolved of all further obligations. It does feel great tbh!