XP threating me with sols over contact - advice please!

[VTired]

I would really appreciate some advice on how to handle by XP's repreated threats to take me to court over arrangements to see DD.

Background briefly is as follows:

• Was with XP for just a few months when fell pregnant (unplanned)

• We were never married nor did we live together (thank god!)

• I ended relationship when I was about 6 months pregnant because of his unreasonable behaviour. He was very angry at my decision.

• After DD was born, he got in contact via sols threatening me with court action if I did not allow him to see DD. Since then, he has been harrassing me on the premise that I am not allowing him enough contact.

• His name is not on birth certificate so he does not have PR

• I offer him regular supervised (by a relative) contact with DD (since 2 months old) but he is unhappy with the arrangements and is now threatening me with legal action. He is very clever about how he broaches the situation in his letters, painting me as the "baddie".

• I do not see or speak to him because I am afraid of him. From his letters, it seems my refusal to see him is a factor in his anger toward me.

What I would like some advice on is:-

• What is a court likely to say about amount/type of contact (DD age 2)?

• I do not offer unsupervised contact because I do not trust XP to care for her, or indeed to bring her back. XP has no experience of caring for young children, although he says he's an expert.If he does go to court would he be granted unsupervised contact regardless of whatever concerns I may raise?

• I suspect the answer is yes, and if so, should I agree to see him and play "happy families" as he seems to want to as a way to ensure DD's safety? I imagine this has been tried by others in a similar situation, can it work? Despite my fears of seeing him, is this better than allowing the matter to go to the Courts?

• If he does follow through with his threat, what is the court process?

I appreciate this situation is my fault for having misjudged XP and gotten too involved too quickly in the first place so expect no sympathy, just want some advice from others who have had similar dilemmas.

Thanks.

Hello VTired.
I'm afraid I have no experience of this sort of situation, but I just wanted to say that you should certainly not feel that you don't deserve any sympathy.

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you, and I feel for you, particularly in that you are afraid of your XP.

I'm sure someone will be along with some practical help, but I didn't want your thread to go unanswered.

"Iappreciate this situation is my fault for having misjudged XP and gotten too involved too quickly in the first place so expect no sympathy, just want some advice from others who have had similar dilemmas. "

• NOOOOOO!!! It is NOT your fault - babies come alon when they are meant to - god knows I know that - having been in a similar situation to you. I went along the lines of making ago of ity with my xp when I know in my heart of hearts he never should have been "the man I had my babies with".

Try to get a half hour free session witha solicitor so you know what your position is if he does go down the legal route.

My xp is on my DS birth cert - biggest regret I have - but when he went to a solicitor all that hapened was we made a formal agreement bout vontact ie supervised, one hour a month. He didn't stick to it so there was no problem in the end. They would initially try for a mediationtype agreement befre going to court I imagine so any agreement would be based on your feelings aswell ads his.

sometimes I just want to run away, change my phone number and never have anything to do wityh him again - but that would not be the right thing to do apparent;y!

sorry for ranting and for my vodka finger typing! Keep coming back here for shits and giggles - even if real life is crap you can be guareanteed some entertainment on MN!

Thanks 4 your kind words iPodthereforiPoor. He gets 1 hour supervised contact every other weekend but is unhappy with this and seems to want unlimited unsupervised contact instead!

Saw a sols, who said I just needed to deal with fact he will get unsupervised contact and PR if he applies for it.

I am sick with worry.

vtired, have a look at my thread which is on active convs at the moment,very similar story,ignore the unsupportive messages on it....i am!

if your dd is only two (born after 1 December 2003 I think) then he will get pr if he applies for it. If his name is not on the birth cert he can request a paternity test and if she is proven to be his child he can apply for pr and will get it.

I have no knowledge about contact orders, but I would imagine it is likely that if he gets parental responsibility, and has maintained contact with your dd throughout her life, then he probably would be granted unsupervised contact, unless you can provide evidence that unsupervised contact would be harmful to your dd?

This sucks - My Xp has seen DS aged nearly two, 3 times this year! How could anyone in there right mind suggest that I let him have unsupervised contact with DS.

I kindof know that DS is part of XP but god do I hate it! I suppose all you - and I - can do is accept the fact that XP will be given access to their children despite the emotinal upset this may cause us or the chldren.

Unlimited contact is a rediculous idea - you need some sort of routine!

I now live 200miles away from XP and I fully expect him to do all the travel to visit my boy - I've taken him once to see him and it cost me £200 for an overnight stay and petrol! He doesn't contribute to DS upkeep, and didn't even get him a 1st birthday present.

Do you and ex live close to each other still?

i am afraid the solicitor is correct. unless you can show good casue for him NOT having unsupervised contact with your DD he will get it. and i would imagine much more than 1 hour a fortnight. at 2 it is too young for an overnight stay but i would imagine most of one day a fortnight is about average.

you will need to instruct a solicitor, you will then go to court, CAFCASS will be asked to do an assesment on all parties and she will probably ask to observe your exp with your DD.
the court will then listen to your reasons for not wishing unsuperivesed contact and then make a decision. itis a very long drawn out process and can take months.

no one should suggest you play "happy families" but i think it would be in all your interests t attempt to sort something between yourselves.

You say your frightened of your EXP has there ever been any violance or intimidation from him? what is it that has made you frightened.

To be fair to him, not having experianceof childcare isn't really his fault, no one has prior to having a child but it doesn't make them a bad parent.

You need to consider the fact that whatever you feel about each other he loves your DD and undoubtedly she loves him, you don't ever have to have contact with him but it is generally unfair to your DD to try and prevent contact with her father.

what is it that worries you about hi having her unsupervised?

I would imagine that there is not a court in the land that will give unlimited contact. Generally if contact is given then it is done on a specific arrangement, i.e. every other weekend for instance. Some contact orders allow for age and will not always allow overnight access until a child reaches a specific age. A friend had such a contact order - he had an amount of unsupervised contact with his child, but was not allowed to have him overnight until after his 4th birthday.

I know it sounds rediculous that someone who has had no contact should suddenly be granted contact, but sadly this happens. there is a mn'er whose ex had nothing to do with his child for about 5 years it was, and was granted contact.

You shouldn't feel bad - you sound like you've done everything you can to be reasonable. I think if this went to court any contact would be likely to be supervised at first, say at a contact centre so you would not even have to set eys on each other. Any build up to unsupervised contact would be very gradual indeed.

He sounds like a bully and I would stand up to him - next time he threatens court tell him to go ahead and apply - at least then maybe something can be worked out that you are happy with and you will have a bit of support rather than be bullied. I wonder if he will make the application as he sounds more interestd in bothering you.

you mention his anger - keep making notes of all his threats and any hassle you are getting so you can refer to it in case it gets out of hand.

i very much doubt that any court would order a 2 year old to travel 200 miles to se his dad - contact would probably be in your town .

I hope things get better for you - loads of soliciotrs give half an hour free legal advice - I'd go and see one as you may feel better once you have spoken face to face with someone.

Thanks for all the advice, is very helpful to know what others have been through.

Fattymama - Am not trying to prevent contact with DD's father, am offering it on a regular basis. Agree is best to sort something out between ourselves but XP is a controlling bully, this was why I left him; it is not possible to reason with him. He threatened me when I was with him that if i ever ended the relationship, i would "pay for it". I do not hate him, I am indifferent, this lack of emotion towards him seems to only wind him up more. He is still angry that I did not allow him to control me and walked away. Vulnerable baby however is easy target, particularly when legal system is likely to support his vendetta. If I have to see him, I will, for DD's sake. If he gets unsupervised contact, he won't bring her back and I'll never see her again. I realise I sound dramatic, bu I know in my heart he wants only to use her as a weapon to get back at me.

Zookeeper - he lives close by, and I think he will use this as a factor in his favour.

Of those of you who have been through the court process, how much and what type of contact has been granted to your ex's?

Vtired. i am currently going through the court process to prevent all access. it has taken me a year so far (which is why i say about if its possible to sort it yourselves its easier) and we arent anywhere near finsihed.

my situation was prolonged and systematic abuse of every kind and my children witnessed it. the fact that my DS is autistic means that he has been very severley damaged by seeing this and when he has contact his behaviour regresses. at the moment (and after a long time of him having contact fortnightly for 8 hours) we have no contact.

I thin you need to sit down and think that if the courts do decide t allow him conact, which im afraid there is a 98% chance they will do, what is the easiest way of managing it. you could use a contact centre local churches usually run them at weekends where you can drop the child off and the hand over is done by the staff there.

inform the court of your concerns over him fleeing with your child and they can put a court order in place to ensure he returns the child by a certain time or a warrant can be issued against him.

i hope you didn't think i was being negative against you its just that going through it myself i would advise anyone who could make arrangements themselves to do so. once the courts get involved you lose control over everything.

as i say, at 2yo i wouldn't expect the court to grant more than a few hours a fortnight so say 10am -4pm on a weekend. the fact that he has established contact, even if it is only recently will g in his favour im afraid as the court wil see that your DD is building a relationship with him.

but no matter what happens you will not be forced to have contact with him if you are frightened of him.

maybe another visit to the solicitor would be good. would you qualify for legal aid?

Fattymumma - thx for your post, and your advice. You manage to sound incredibly calm and collected at what is obviously a very difficult time, how do you do it? My thoughts are with you.

I only allowed him contact in the first place because he instructed sols to do his bullying for him. I thought I would be seen as unreasonable if I denied all contact, so despite serious misgivings, I allowed him limited supervised contact. Perhaps in hindsight, I did the wrong thing. I did some research at the time and there seemed to be lots of clear cut advice for fathers wanting to assert their rights, but the position was much less clear for mothers.

I am finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that fathers can choose whether they want to be involved in their offspings lives or not whereas mothers simply have to abide by whatever their XP's decide. (I have a friend who is in opposite position, she is desperate for XP to have contact with DS but he doesn't want to know.)

From what has been said so far, sounds like I need to be brave and stand up to him.

does anybody know of any violent father being refused contact to a son who he has hardly bothered with and is only going to court to intimidate me. A Cafcass report is being made and due in January.

Not on the birth cert, he is not legally her father AFAIK
No legal rights as yet BUT
He can sue to be put onto it though via paternity testing.
then you can also sue him for child support - be sure to let him know that