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Dare i ask this question

23 replies

tiger1 · 14/11/2006 18:33

I have been watching this site for quite some time. And feel very nervous about asking you such a bold question.

Do any of you not allow your ex partner to see your kids and why.

OP posts:
7up · 14/11/2006 19:27

hi tiger, my eldest son doesnt see his father because he let him down so many times it was upsetting ds too much so i told his father to steer clear. he hadnt made any contact till he was 8years old anyway and it only lasted a few months so ds didnt miss much. he was glad to have met him and has his photo hidden away somewhere. he usedto get upset at the mention of his name. id never slagged him off and still havent and thought it was the right thing to speak nicely of him but learnt the hard way that ds didnt want him mentioned unless he spoke of him first. you having problems then

HappyMumof2 · 14/11/2006 19:33

Message withdrawn

sandydut · 14/11/2006 19:53

I'm not surprised you are nervous about asking given how unsupportive and judgemental some people can be on here - but well done for plucking up the courage!

I too have thought about this issue as my ex can be extremely unreliable. However I spoke to a number of different people including my Uncle who is a headmaster and also a friend who is a psychologist, not to mention a number of other friends. I have definitely been given the impression that it is better for a child to see it's father even if it is infrequently.

Obviously there are some situations where it might not be healthy for the child, if for example the father was violent, a child abuser or such like.

Personally I don't believe a child should ever be used as a 'weapon' to get back at an ex (not that I'm suggesting this would be the case why you may be considering it).

Hope this helps


7up · 14/11/2006 20:03

happymumof2, i think in a way ds was relieved because he would sit texting his father on the phone he had bought him and would never get replies. it was awful. i was so left to pick up the pieces which happens so much with lone parents and is very sad, but unless youre in this position yourself people can be very nasty when you make the decision to break free for yourself and your kids sake.

i basically let it go on for a fortnight with ds texting dad every night and id sneakily watch him staring at his phone waiting for it to beep. in the end i phoned his dad and he made the excuse that he didnt have any credit. i tried to get across to him that if he was receiving these messages from a little boy saying soppy things how could he not go to a phone box and ring him.
he had no answer.

left it a few more weeks and he phoned ds's phone at midnight really pissed one night and i said thats it. i hid the phone and told ds he'd lost it and that was it. he never rang the phone because obviously i kept checking it for calls.

he phoned our home phone about a year later and ds shouted out that he didnt want to talk to him.he was very angry for a while but now hes 12 he says hes glad he didnt let him hurt him anymore. his dad is a bit of a pisshead but ds knows that il take him to see him when hes 18 and he can cope with rejection

tiger1 · 14/11/2006 21:22

sandydutt. I agree.
Maybe that why not so many responding or maybe they are watching thread instead.
I saw my dad when parents split up, It completely f....d up my adult life. As he was controlling, told many lies, he was always saying the right thing but never caring it out. I ws only aloud to do the things he told me to do and speak to who he told me to. Now i am with someone that treats me the same way and i am so miserable when he comes home (which is not that often as he is away alot). I know this will effect the kids the same as it did me. The let downs the lies the controlling, not being able to voice your apinion. While i stay i can control it but if we split when i am not there and when i have to pick up the peices my life will be worst.

OP posts:
WhizzBangCaligula · 14/11/2006 21:24

I'd have no hesitation in not allowing my children to see their father, if I thought that exercising their right to see him would damage them psychologically or emotionally.

I don't care what the current fashion is.

tiger1 · 14/11/2006 21:34

whizz. i also agree. After living with my father, I believe that its great if you can be a happy family. But if you have family that are not of a great consistant or support or reliable causing such emothional damage to others, then blood should not win. I was listerning to a programme about this on 94.9 the other day too. It was only the last caller of the 2 hour session that finally came on and said that just because people have you blood does not mean that they are good people.

OP posts:
rainbowgirl · 14/11/2006 22:24

i think it's a really sensitive issue, generally i agree with what sandy says that unless there's a really good reason why not (like in 7up's case for example!) the child's probably better off with some kind of contact.. but then again.. i can actually think of quite a few situations where the child would be better off without a screwed up father who was totally unreliable and cared more about their own 'rights' than their children's needs.. most of the men in batman suits throwing flour around the houses of parliament for a start..

i'd say each situation is individual and all you can do is judge it according to what's happening at the time.. always putting the child's interests first and foremost (as us mums nearly always do naturally anyway ).. also remember things are fluid.. no contact for now doesn't mean no contact forever..


rainbowgirl · 14/11/2006 22:26

tiger1 reading your last post, it seems to an outside and impartial observer (me ) that perhaps the problem is mainly in the relationship with you and your partner rather than with him as a father? i mean i might be way off the mark here, but could you be assuming that just because he makes you feel terrible he'll automatically do this to the kids, when you don't know for sure that's the case? i can't really judge, but it sounds like if and when you separate, it might actually be easier to sort this out.. just a thought..

wheelsanddollbaby · 15/11/2006 07:51

Hi, I am toying with stopping all contact(which my not even be my decision as the father threatens to disappear and change his numbers frequently). My Mum stopped contact when I was four(as my father threatened to abduct me). I didn't remember a thing about him and had a happy childhood. When I was 29 I looked him up and quickly discovered he was a horrible, bitter old man( I have not spoken to him for 3 years now). My Mother never spoke badly of him, although when I was an adult she gave me the bare facts about why we moved away etc. I have seen a lot of friends struggling through childhood with divorcing parents and I am not sure that contact with the absent parent is always a good thing. I can't help feeling that it is better for my son to stop the contact now, when he still has a chance of not remembering his father. At the moment my ds(4) says "why does Daddy shout you?" (shout at you), I don't want him to be influenced by this sort of behaviour. His father is not a good role model and unless his behaviour significantly changes(praying for a miracle here!) then I am really sure my son is better off without him.

7up · 15/11/2006 09:55

morning tiger, im glad that youve received positive messages off ladies. lets hope that unless people are going toshow you support then they steer clear of this thread

rainbowgirl · 15/11/2006 22:16

tiger how's things?

julezboo · 16/11/2006 14:04

Im in a similar situation myself. DS is 4, has seen his real father a total of 3 times this year, from Jan - feb, kept letting him down.

Due to current family circumstances we moved 200 miles away from DS's father. DS doesnt ask about him, says my new DP is his Daddy Paul, we have another baby one the way and my ds could not be happier.

I do feel sad that his father was such an a$$ who kept letting him down, but after all my efforts he couldnt make a tiny bit of effort at all.

Before we moved, he took me to court to get regular access, he kept it up for 2 weeks, therefore court wasa bit pointless and an unneccasary way of dealing with things. He showed up at his birthday party in April, showering him with gifts, asked him did he want to go with him for a few hours, queue the tears, he didnt go I took him home. If Im remembering rightly this was the last time he saw him.

When we moved I wrote him a lengthy letter, telling him in a nice way how i felt he let ds down, I told him I would be happy for him to book into nearest travel lodge and come and see his son, aswell as I was happy for him to see ds when I went back up to visit my mum. Which isnt very often. He hasnt took me up on any of these, texts me once in a blue moon asking how matthew is. He has our home number and hasnt rung him once.

Im worried about christmas approaching, I know he will get in touch, usually does. The plan was to go to my mums, but unfortunately I cannot travel now due to being high risk.

As far as ds know his dad lives with his new girlf, his nanny and his brother. He doesnt ask him them all. Hes a happy little boy and although the move wasnt to get rid of ex, its certainly helped DS settle because he doesnt have ex flitting in and out of his life as it suits him.

I got so fed up of seeing my little boy sit at home in his coat with his bag packed waiting for his dad to turn up, seeing his tears when he didnt show up. On one incident i rung ex and he nicely informed me he had took his girlf and baby on holiday to blackpool!He uninvited DS to his babys christening,left us stood at the hospital after an hours train journey after Id taken DS to meet his new brother.

Now hes happy, settled and overall an Angel, no swearing or smacking (which he used to do when seeing his dad)

He does still have contact with ex's dad (grandad) who rings us weekly for updates and is coming down to see us at xmas, which I think is lovely. But it was best all round that we moved. I will answer questions truthfully when he asks, I will keep in touch with ex, for when ds is old enough, but I cannot put my son through so much hurt and let down.

sorry it was long. I hope you can decide what to do for the best x x

mummypumpkin · 16/11/2006 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Paddlechick666 · 16/11/2006 22:22

from the flip side of this, we struggle with an ex-girlf who witholds access when it suits and generally in an attempt to get more money.

it tears my dh apart and makes me very sad indeed.

if you are considering witholding access then please do it for the right reasons.

i would suggest mediation in all cases to try and arrive at a solution that benefits everyone but mostly the children.

tiger1 · 18/11/2006 15:12

i am so sorry i have been away for so long. Thank you for all the feedbacks. Being with a controlling person really does have long term affects, which is very hard i know to comment on when you have not had it. You imagine someone telling you what to do all of the time or telling you what you are thinking or wanting to do is crap. I suggest many things all of the time to improve our family life together and have never got any where. He has said that if we do split up, he will treat the kids how he wants and will not care about routines, dicipline, safety etc. He knows that he would make life harder for me when the kids came home to me. As he is so crap at safety at the moment i actually doubt if the kids will come home as they will probably be killed in the road for his lack of safety etc.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 20/11/2006 11:06

No. I want him to see them about 1000 times more than he does. I would like him to have them every other week. But you can't force that on people.

Some parents are so abusive to their children they shouldn't be allowed near them and aren't, mothers and fathers. Some should be allowed 50% contact. It just depends on the circumstances.

Apparently in most cases chidlren benefit from seeing both parents even if that leasds to more acrimony. When my ex does see 2 of them which is 2 hours a week (his choice) we dodn't see or speak to each other. He hasn't spoken to me for 3 years. We don't need contact because he turns up on time and goes and they go out to the car so it can all be done without too much contact if that is the issue.

The fact they might be subjected to different standards, parenting etc can be a good thing because they get to see people differ in the world and in marriages parents differ anyway. On the other hand if mine were being taken to watch someone taking cocaine whilst being allowed to roam alone down busy roads I would certainly not be allowing that. So it all depends on the person.

12yeargap · 20/11/2006 16:03

Ex hasn't seen DS 11 for nearly 3 years.

Basically he got a crazy girlfriend who was messing with DS's head, slagging me off to him, and screaming drunkenly at me and DS in public. exP took me to court to try for parental responsibility, and was refused it at several hearings as each time I could prove that he had failed to control his other half. Apparently it is pretty rare for PR to be refused when there has been regular contact, as there had been in this case.

Then crazy girlfriend persuaded Ex to break into our house while we were abroad and try to sell it, at which point CAFCASS recommended that contact should cease, (contact order overturned) and the judge agreed, and although ex pursued it for months, he's been forbidden contact ever since.

I feel this was the right decision, sorry.

MascaraOHaraIncredibleSheHulk · 20/11/2006 16:16

My dd doesn't see her father. I'm glad.

she was seeing him but he is a total nightmare and I knew he only wanted contact to spite me, not to see her. I stopped contact after things came to a head one day. Told him if he wanted to see her he'd have to take me to court as I wasn't prepared to communicate with him anymore, haven't heard anything since. I suspect he got told what I got told by a soplictor (i.e. he hadn't got a cats chance in hell)

she doesn't even receive a card and I have never received a penny towards her upbringing.

I firmly believe some children are better not knowing their father and I'm not really bothered how controversial that is. The longer he stays away from her the better and the less chance he has of screwing her up. When she is older if she wants to contact him and form a relationship then I won't stop her as she will be old enough to start making her own decisions.

ninah · 20/11/2006 21:21

Now I know you are DEFINITELY me M'OH! weird! 'I knew he only wanted contact to spite me, not to see her' - yes, check!.I was thinking of posting on here about access issues basically ex has not seen children since we left end of August and now wants to see them next Sunday - on his terms - I have offered a lot of options but anything I suggested has been vetoed and I am now damn sure he does not give a toss about children. Baby is 11 months and does not know him at all, ds is 4 and so much happier since we left - he was violent, controlling and made family a low priority even when we were together. I am damn sure my children will have a better life without him. His reponse to my suggesting they go to lunch with me nearby in case baby is upset was 'I'm not coming down then'. Bugger the stats, I am damn sure children do better in a stable loving environment. And some guy who gave them their genes and nothing else pulling the roof down on it just because he feels entitled to as their 'father' .... I know I respected my father because of who he was and how he treated his family first and foremost, I have seen how good fathers behave and my ex is NOT one, I don't WANT to pass this legacy of bullying interspersed with neglect and the financial imperative down to another generation. I don't want my son to treat his family the way his father treated us.

MascaraOHaraIncredibleSheHulk · 21/11/2006 09:40

Ninah, how are you now? last time I saw you post you were feeling really down.
rosie79 · 21/11/2006 17:43

I think some children are bettert off not seeing their father if that father isn't a good role model, doesn't have any interest in the child and will constantly let the child down or upset or hurt them. When I left ex he had open access to see son whenever he liked, and I was hoping this would be regular as I thought it would be best for DS. However, ex couldn't be bothered and visited DS twice in two years and now hasn't seen him for 18 months, or called, or remembered his birthday. Luckily as DS is only 3.5 he doesn't remember his father and is happily oblivious.

I think if ex tried to see him now though I would intervene, it wouldn't do my ds any benefit, especially if it continues to be sporadic. His father has demonstrated by his behaviour that he doesn't care about DS or put his needs or interests first, so why should he see ds?

freedomfighter · 21/11/2006 23:49

sometimes it may be better for a child to have no contact with a parent if contact will only cause harm cos that parent is manipulative, abusive etc or that parent is a poor role model, but a lot of this harm may not be known until a child is older or an adult so its quite hard to assess...there are also issues with children making up fantasy hero or villain roles about the absent parent...

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