alone again , engagement in ruins

[tinkerbash]

Hi there , first time posting on here but I am really in need of some wisdom and some friends to talk to , me and my new ex had been dating for about a year , things were going great we met each other while in church trying to make ourselves better people , I wasn't instantly attracted to him but I knew he was always standing watching me , anyway he pursued me and we went on a couple of dates , he won me over with his cute romanticism and I was quickly smitten, he told me very quickly he knew I was the one and so it began he moved in and it was great I had the helping hand that I had been waiting for after 4 years of bad relationships and cheating etc including from my LO dad I had my guards up as I have been treated horribly in the past, my last ex ran off with my life savings and left me and my LO in mountains of debt to be with another woman , I was so greatful and happy to meet someone so sweet and caring . He spoiled me , got me mk bags and watches, flowers every week , left treasure hunts around my house of little cards saying how much he loved me , and I was In love . A few months passed again and I was planning my wedding , he proposed to me outside my first wedding show and took me in to design my ring . Well it was going perfectly he was helping pick photographers , and contributing to all the small details , I really did have the perfect man . I picked the most beautiful Mori-Lee dress with a cathedral train , as our venue was set for a cathedral wedding next July. After Christmas though everything started to change , the flowers stopped, and the cards and he was more and more distant I brought it up to him and he said he was saving all the money for the wedding and that's why it stopped. But apart from the little things , he stopped kissing and cuddling me , telling me how much he loved me , and he spent all of his time in the house with us on his phone . I got really insecure that I no longer had his attention and I saw he had been messaging several females , none of which I had heard of before , I told him I felt uncomfortable with it but nothing changed for months . He got worse , and last weekend he came home at 6:30 am drunk when he promised we would have a night out , well he did and never took me . I had enough I packed his bags , to make a statement and I reached out to a family member to express my concern. He saw that I had spoken about it and broke everything off . He left and he hasn't been back. He says he has lots to say to me but doesn't know how to say it .he said he doesn't know what he wants and that I betrayed his trust . He had been struggling with depression and so have I but I can't believe last week I was planning my wedding and this week I am left with nothing . What do I do !!! Someone please help

Hi there. Sorry to hear about your situation. You must feel so bewildered. But I think you may have had a lucky escape! Better to have found out he s a bad bet before the wedding rather than after. Are you able/wanting to pin him down to get some sort of explanation? What do close family/friends think of him? How do you want to proceed with this?

My daughter loves him so much and she misses him and so do I , I'd love to get things back to the way they were even start again, dating without the wedding even on the cards , I just have never been treated so well before and that's really why I loved him so much in the first place , but he's really just taken a small argument and let that ruin everything , all the good memories now seem to have been forgotten, I don't know why he felt the need to message all those women if he truly knew I was the only one for him, how can someone go from saying you are the love of his life one week and the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with , to not even knowing if he even wants to be with you ? I dont know how to act , react deal with him , should I be trying ? I don't even know , my family have saw how unhappy I have been so he has quickly become the a*hole, but be for they lived him , they lived how he treated me and my daughter , it's soo hard and painful

Well I think you ll have to try and ask him those questions? Maybe he has a history of getting cold feet, or too immature to commit to a marriage or a complete idiot who strung you along? You must be devastated and your poor LO too.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. Do you think you both rushed things? Not being overly keen to wedding show before a proposal to engagement and wedding planning in twelve months is a lot especially as you have a DD to consider.
You are both coping with depression, please focus on yourself and DD.

A year is very quick to have been living with someone and planning a wedding when you have a child to consider. As you've seen, they quickly become as attached to someone new as you do, and when it doesn't work out they can become as heartbroken as you too.

I know how it happens, when you've been treated badly and then someone comes along who cherishes you, it is intoxicating.

However, his reaction to you sharing something with a close family member has given you a little insight into him that you hadn't had before. Is this the first 'proper' argument you've had?

I ask because my DP and I used to have some belting arguments which arose out of nowhere, just started by a trivial little thing. We both brought all our baggage and previous relationship arguing style to the table and invariably I ended up wanting to separate as it showed me a side to him I didn't like.

However, we have since tried to communicate more openly, take on board each other's baggage and consider how that affects our reactions and somehow now I know when we argue that it doesn't spell the end anymore.

After a year you are still both getting to know each other and figuring out how to handle each other.

To be honest, the whole wedding thing sounds like it might have been too much pressure for him and the chatting to other women was his immature way of pushing back against that. The fact that he proposed outside a wedding show, were you already attending 'just in case' or did you happen to be passing and the fancy took him? It sounds a bit like you got carried away (I note you call it 'my wedding' not ours) and he's panicked and reacted badly.

I think you need to try and sit down with him and have a talk about things, if he has a lot to say, it will help you to hear it, even if it doesn't make you feel better or get back together. It might give you an insight into why he's feeling like he is about things.

I know we did rush things a lot , I have booked a holiday with my dd for two weeks time to Spain I'm hoping I can use that time for me and to relax , I have tried to ask him but all he said is he needs time and space to think, but he has told his friends we are over , but everytine I ask he says he doesn't know what he wants, but in the meantime she is asking me every five minutes where he is and it's sooo hard not to have the answers I don't know how much time he will need or even if this is what he wants anymore , I can't get any type of answer from him at all :(

tinker you need to stop contacting him or expecting answers, it's hard but the signs were there that he was disengaging from your relationship. Spend time on you and DD and counselling sound a like it would be very useful. Amy has given you some excellent advice.

It all sounds very rushed, married almost within a year?

I think in future you need to slow down. Most single parents don't introduce children to new partner for at least a year incase it goes wrong, then gradually.

I have been very careful in the past , my DD never got to meet any of the men I had dated , however with that said everything with this one was just so different to anything I had even experience , he swept me off my feet and I was pulled along quickly as I was just so in love . We both were on the same page about everything and it felt right , I appreciate all of the advice I think I'll maybe take in some classes and give him the space he is asking for , although I still can't sleep at night because he's not there , or even eat, I would appreciate the oppertunity to talk at some point I just don't know how long to leave it before suggesting it again ...

Don't suggest it again, you've given him the opportunity and he hasn't taken it. He knows where you are if he decides to talk to you.

If he's panicked by the speed things have moved along, chasing him for answers will only make it worse and make him back away further.

Be busy, have fun without him, convince him (and more importantly yourself) by leaving things alone , that you have a full and interesting life without him and that a man would be a nice addition, but not a necessity.

I note that you say you packed his bags "to make a statement" - you really need to have packed his bags because you wanted him gone . It seems to have backfired when he called your bluff - if you chase after him now he will know that he can treat you however he wishes and that you won't follow through with any real consequences.

I don't think there's anything wrong with introducing a BF fairly soon as it prevents you becoming too close to someone who, when your DCs meet them, proves not to be a suitable partner after all. I think that getting them to meet early on and making sure they liked each other was fine. However, I think the moving in/marriage thing should have waited for at least 2 years I think.

FWIW on the abusive relationship threads, many of them don't show their true colours for 2 years or so. People are capable of being on 'best behaviour' for quite a long time before the mask slips. I'm not saying he is abusive, but with relationships in general, you don't really know someone properly until you've spent a good couple of years with them through thick and thin.

Hi OP , - I am sorry to say, I think you rather railroaded this guy. He 'proposed to you outside your first wedding show ' ? There are a couple of scary scenarios here. Who goes to a 'wedding show' without having a marriage already planned...and 'first wedding show ?' how many of these awful events did you attend? If he proposed outside your first one, it can only mean you booked and planned to go BEFORE he has even asked you which smacks of wedding desperation on a grand scale. You also sound more upset about the wedding than the loss of dp. You won't be the first or last lady to get carried away with 'cathedral weddings' but as you can see it is a massive turn off. He has probably been trying to work out how to tell you he isn't ready, but you have climbed into your designer wedding dress. put you fingers in your ears to block out his refusal to get on board with 'your big day'...and are halfway down the aisle. Next time, take it easy, slow it down, put your focus on the right person to be married to, rather than the wedding !