child wont back to mum after visits.

[babapanashe]

Hello Mumsnet.

I am a dad of a gorgeous 8 year old girl. I'm African and the mum is English white. Mum and I split up 3 years ago. On mums hand, she was diagnosed with PMDD in 2009 and we struggled with it together for a while and for those who are aware of the condition, it is a challenge not for the fainter hearted. I left after I threats from mums parents for me to leave or face violence. It was a hard thing to do leaving my lil girl who was 5 at the time.

Regardless of the nasty split, we managed to be civil enough to arrange access and child maintenance without complications of so called authorities. A year and half on I managed to get a stable accommodation which I was comfortable to have my lil princess stay at the weekends. As usual we agreed she stayed with me from Fri 730 till Sun 730. This has been going on since then. But on the other hand mum has had her ups and downs with her condition, relationships some I am aware of and some I am not.

The problem i have had lately in the last 7-8 months since my daughter has met my new partner of 18 months is that when it's time to go back home on Sunday, shes not very keen. She has devised little tactics of delaying everything from the shower before pyjamas, dinner even getting her shoes on. She protests she doesnt want to go back home..

I have been pulled to this 'drastic action' of coming on a forum to ask for help but the last time my daughter was at my house she made my partner and I breakdown into tears after she threatened to hold her breath if I took her back to mums..
What do I do? I can't just not take her back, the police will come and bash the black man's door down and there it goes from there on, criminal record, can't see my daughter.. No way.
I work hard and play hard for and with my daughter and when I am with her, all my focus is on her. I provide for her, never spoil her. My partner is with me all the way but I don't want to drag her through the courts, besides the mother would not cope with court with her condition..

HELP

Sorry to hear all that, it must be really heartbreaking, is there a reason why she's not wanting to go home? Have you sat your daughter down and asked why she's so upset about going home and if there's anything worrying her? That's the main thing, if your ex is having problems looking after your daughter than I would be concerned! My son also 8 used to get upset about doing to his dad's on the weekend and it turned out it was because he was just leaving him with his partner and going out at the weekends! So that got cleared up quite quickly once I found out the reason. It's just so sad that your in this situation, sometimes kids just have such a nice time they just don't want to leave, it could be as simple as that but I think you need to dig a little deeper, do you think you could discuss it with your ex without her becoming upset/angry with you?

Speak to her school.
see how her behaviouris at School.
does her mother pick her up from school ? How does she react then ?

Your responsibility is to your dd.
if the mothers condition is impacting the child then mother needs support.
Saying nothing won't help. Try speaking to teachers first. Could you have your daughter stay more in the week ?

Thanks Mummypiggy87
I tried talking to her but all that she mentioned was that mum hasn't got time for her and is always on her phone. Sometimes because grandma lives round the corner and mum has a man round and hasn't quite finished, mum texts me just before drop off to change drop off to grandma's and my daughter says she doesn't like this. That's all she's mentioned of which I can't do or say much about without setting off the mum..

What do I do??
Anybody, somebody point in the right direction. I need to know the right thing to do for my daughter..

What do you mean 'hasn't quite finished'

Are you saying your ex is a sex worker? Or is it just she has a friend there?

Because that doesn't really explain why she is so upset.

Cestlavlife
The school seems not to tell me much except that I learnt in Nov last year that my daughter has Short term Memory Dyslexia. Her reading is 2 years behind, she has no comprehension of time or days of the week. She still struggles knowing her left shoe from the other which she will eventually apparently will develop skills to manoeuvre around such obstacles in time. Her attention span lingers and concentration is not very good. They have put in place a structure and extra one to one help in class work to assist when she's struggling..

LauryFairycake
She's not a sex worker but I mean sometimes she gives incomplete housework as an excuse why daughter can't be dropped off at her flat right away. Once only she mentioned she had company over and they were just leaving..

Do you have concerns about the welfare of your child when she is in her mums care? Any evidence of any sort of abuse or neglect?
Do you have your daughter every single weekend?
Do you ever have her during the week, when you need to make sure she has her homework done, brush her teeth, go to bed early, get up for school even when she's tired?
When do she and her mum get to do the fun chill out things that families enjoy at weekends when they're not working?
/at school?
Does your little girl ever tell her mum that she really wants to stay home this weekend and NOT go to daddys?
Small children will very often have short periods of being upset/unsettled when moving between homes.
You need to buoy her up, be positive and happy about her seeing her mum.
And you also need to think about her and her mum enjoying some fun weekend time together while you take over some of the weekday grind of school, home works etc would have a positive impact of how she sees life with mummy as opposed to life with daddy.
I would suggest mediation if you need a third party to help you look at contact arrangements.

you need to go into school and find out exactly what is happening, are they going to apply for an EHCP plan for your daughter etc. especially in next few years before she goes to secondary. if you have PR you have rights to know about your DD and your responsibility to go to school and have all the details.

it is unusual to have every weekend; as time off from school should be shared but there may be good reason.

in any case, really your dd is just with mum evenings so any neglect is minimised...you can be the hands on parent every weekend.

so, the child has a grandma she is close to.
and a mum who wont let her go home if she is "doing housework".
keep a record of how often this happens.

you could apply for the child to live with you mostly and visit with mum. could you do that? then CAFCASS would get involved if mum contests and would assess mum and find out more about the situation. If you are concerned about dd and think that she would be better off livign with you and visiting with mum, then apply to court for a different arrangement for dd. it is not your problem if mum gets upset - it is mum's issue to deal with . start with applying for a family mediation assessment first which you have to do anyway. www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/family-mediation/assessment-meeting-miam/

the main thing is to do something.
set up a mediation meeting and invite mum to come. go with lsit of issues to discuss.

maybe mum will agree anyway.
if not then go to court.

also get more involved with school

ask mum if she can stay over sunday nights and start taking her to school on a monday morning.

go and ask for a proper meeting with school and sit with school teacher, properly and have a proper discussion about dd school levels and the help she is getting and mention about the home issues, school may have more insight eg things dd has said or if they concerned.

how does the PMDD manifest?
do you have copy of GP letter diagnosing it?

Hi
You mention threats of violence towards you from ex? Have you had any help from domestic violence DV services yourself? You should not be put through mediation if there was DV involved.

Keep a diary, write everything down with dates and times.
Talk to school. Tell them your concerns.
Ask ex if daughter can live with you??
Do you believe your daughter is at risk from mum? Do you have any evidence?

Good luck, it sounds so hard my heart goes out to you. It wont be long before your daughter is Gillick competent and can choose for herself...