anyone here for advice... Ex's weekend and DS4 had a meltdown this morning

[LL0015]

Bit of history, separated 20 months, DD just turned 8 DS is month off 5.

They see Dad EOW. Usually quite happily, Fri eve to Sun eve.

Last couple of visits (so over about 8 weeks) DS has been upset at new partners constant swearing, he swore at school and obvs got into trouble. He witnessed a loud row between Ex and partner with lots of swearing. He told me he didn't like it.

The last visit clearly has impacted DS. He regressed to bed wetting every night, told me he had bad dreams specifically about a game (five go to freddy's) on Ex phone. I think he got in a pattern very quickly where if his bed was wet, he got to come into my bed. After about 8 nights, I put him back in pull ups, explained he had to stay in his bed, and he could just take the nappy off. Long and short, 2 nights later he is happily sleeping through again. Last 4 nights all back to normal.

This morning, upon asking what day it was, he got upset that it was Daddy after school. He tried lots of reasons to not go to school, I'm poorly - tried several times with different ailments. Then tried school is boring, I learn the same things everyday.

He wouldn't get dressed, kept coming for hugs. Not himself.
Walk to school happily enough, pretty normal, but into playground and he inches closer and closer and then simply cries his head off going in. His teacher is great, she bustled him in and then I went and had a chat so I know he is ok today, hope he will have a happy day.

I believe he doesn't want to go to dad's. Is anyone about to chat to me, ponder it over?

I feel for you. I have 4 Dc and an ex who's behaviour is tricky (understatement).

My oldest no longer goes to contact, ever. 13 years. Dad's treatment of thisa child was and is vile.
My second goes only very occasionally and for a couple of hours at most. 12 years. This child "manages" dad's behaviour and his exposure to it.

DC3 (age 10) and DC4 (aged) 8 are trapped with a court order and being too young to challenge so I have behaviour or variation of it as you describe every other Friday...and then for 2-3 days after they come back.

Do you have a court order?...does he have to go?, Do you think on balance your ex is a good parent? What is your relationship with ex like? Would it be possible to talk (It's not possible with mine)?

Thank you
No court order, Ex is loving but useless. Brushes everything aside especially anything emotional. So bedwetting is He'll grow out of it, he doesn't do it with me. In fact everything is just, he doesn't do that with me.

My dilemma, how distressed is DS, should I make him go?

I want them to have a relationship with their father. He isn't abusive, he is just blinkered, possibly depressed and acts odd (beard, grown hair, full on mid life crisis) and isn't capable of assessing the children's needs.

Ex won't do homework, keeps them up late, obviously there is the swearing.

But it's rod own back.... I do want them to go, I want some time and space to myself. They are safe but if they are unhappy, is it damaging them?

This is the first refusal I have encountered.

would your ex be amenable to shortening the weekend...giving less sleeping time away?

I think this is very hard but if ex would work with you (or at least not stand in the way) I expect you can make it ok for your DS

Yes, I agree. I want them to feel safe and happy, if I let DS stay home then what happens next time.

Is it ok to make him go, as long as he isn't wailing.
I made him go into school crying. Is it any different?

yes it is ok to make him go...of course. You trust his dad to respond to his needs.

Children at this age often struggle with transitions..but also being in two homes can be tiring. Maybe he needs earlier nights and some extra down time to enable him to cope.

If you do shorten the weekend then make it an adult decision. not a respose to his crying

send him but keep a record...

have a chat with GP see if there are any courses/separated parenting course you and ex can attend.

register his bed wetting etc with gp so if it continues you can get a referral to play therapist/family therapist.

if your ex's new partner is shouty and sweary and this is upsetting ds then somehow that needs to be addressed...

Thank you again
I do send most communication by email, I have a record that I mail Ex about bed wetting, swearing all of it. I know it's back up if things get really bad. I hope they never do.

Ex doesn't see it how I do, we don't argue because we don't really talk. Just email.
I'm trying so hard not to project anything at all onto DS, something I have succeeded at in all this time. DS is the one acting out of character.

I'm going to collect from school soon. I will ask his teacher how he was today.

Maybe I could ask DS if he wants some rules for Daddy, give DS some control. Such as being able to call me, a sign that he doesn't like something. DS and I always say pssssst to each other which means I love you. Something like that.

If you feel school have a good handle on your DS, would a joint parents consultation be helpful...then not all the suggestions for support come from you.

i think it is important for you to acknowledge DS feelings and encourage him to express himself - hard at that age. getting some professional advice wont hurt... eg a family therapist.

here we have a service where you can call a child psychologist for consultation for 45 minutes, they make suggestions and send you written report - i found this helpful....later my dd had family therapy sessions (mostly on her own) which also helped. helped her vberbalise what the issues were. if you can access play therapist or similar this might help identify the issues and give ds tools...

like fool have an older dc (dd age 15 now ) who does not see dad at all.
dd nearly 13 sees dad but there are issues still but he lets her down a lot - she is having to learn to manage this...

Just to update and say thank you again

He has gone to his dad's. He did talk to me, said he didn't want to go at all. I coaxed maybe going for the day and he said yes. Then he said he would see dad at MIL house (she's dead (not relevant to DS distress) the house hasn't sold yet) but he didn't want to go to Partners house.

I asked him to choose a word which means he wants to come home and he chose unhappy.

I got Ex to come in and sit and talk to DS together. This is pretty positive for us, although Ex was still in denial and blame culture.
Then DS ran out the room and shouted back, "I hate partner swearing". I shall praise him later for saying how he feels.

But I feel reassured DS has some control for now.

I think you handled that really well, well done. Have a good weekend.