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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Access

8 replies

Jogrighton · 11/05/2015 10:12

Firstly, I don't like the word access but don't know what else to call it!!

Ex has asked for more time with 3yo dd, which is fair enough he has been having her alt w/end 0900 sat til 1730 sun (his choice due to work)

Anyway, he has now asked for every wed 3pm until Thurs 3 pm and on his w/end Fri 3pm until sun 6pm also if its a b/hol he has her until the mon 6pm.

Christmas we alternate xmas day and box day last year I had dd and now its ex turn.

Ex is self employed farmer, hrs used to be 7-7 now these may of changed as he is with someone new, married, who has 2 kids (6 and 8?) and they have a 2 year old together.

My areas of advice are:

I have never met his wife before and don't intend to!!! I have no objections to them as a family in the slightest. However, I do not want to meet her, or handover my dd to her. If he has asked to see dd he should collect her. Yes this is unreasonable but that's how I feel!!

I don't think for the slightest my ex has got the Thursday off to spend with dd as he wont be able to afford it! I think he will get in from work at 1830 on the wed, see dd for an hour before bed then the next morning possibly be around til 9ish then go to work!! Why should his wife look after my dd when she has 3 of her own to care for when I can have her???

Finally, xmas - I know its a long way off but what do you lot do when the ex's days of access are close to xmas. e.g ex's w/end fri/sat/sun then xmas day and box day fall on mon and tues!!!! Do they have them all that time??? Sounds horrific for that length of time

Sorry for waffle, hope you understand all of it!!!

OP posts:

HeadDoctor · 11/05/2015 15:12

That sounds reasonable. If your DH was held up and his wife came as a one off thing it would be sensible to handover rather than withhold contact.

Contact with dad can be good quality even if (or especially when) there is only a small amount of time. Imagine it the other way round.

My ex & I manage to negotiate this by swapping days. My husband and his ex don't so they suspend usual contact during school holidays and then share the nights out equally so at Christmas/Easter they get 8 nights each.

HeadDoctor · 11/05/2015 15:13

Oh and it's called "spending time with" now. Before that it was contact. Before that it was access.

cestlavielife · 11/05/2015 17:40

many working parents have to see their kids in the evening for an hour or so then in the morning and take them to school/nursery etc. it can be quality time. so you cant deny him that really. it just sounds petty.

up to you not to meet the wife but really it should not be a problem to had over to her after all she will be in same house as dd and is now part of dd's life. like it or not. you can book a babysitter while dd is in your care etc. you dont have to ask your ex for permission.

Original poster

Jogrighton · 11/05/2015 18:07

What sounds petty, that I want to look after my dd rather than another woman when he is at work???

I don't object to dd going overnight on the wed, just to come back in the am when he goes to work!!!

OP posts:

HeadDoctor · 11/05/2015 18:19

I can see what you're saying and partly I agree but there is also got DD's relationship with her half sibling and step family to consider.

cestlavielife · 11/05/2015 22:13

Maybe it s quite nice for your dd to spend a day with her half sibling as they close in age. It's one day a week... You get the other five or four depending which week it is. Gives you time to get stuff done on your own if you not working.

Quesera21 · 11/05/2015 22:27

Op - you have a 3 yr old and he and his new DP have a 2 yr old! I can understand why you do not want to meet her!

As to the contact - talk to him about Xmas and NY and bank holidays now.

Sounds like it is amicable.

Remember your DD will be going to school soon and that WEd/Thursday may well change.

YOu are not bad to be worried but on this would go with the flow.

gillybean2 · 13/05/2015 13:52

Is your dd at nursey or play school? I would assume she is having some time preparing to attend school and socialising with other dc...?

Usually, when children are at school, the contact parent would pick them up from school on a wednesday and have them that evening. That may or may not include an overnight (if so they would take them back to school in the morning.)

So if dd attends a play school or nursery on the wednesday/thursday perhaps suggest he pick her up from there and return her to playgroup on the thursday morning. This would prepare her, and your ex, for working round school and your dd's needs.

I agree with you that it seems better for you as a parent to have care for your dd rather than a non family member. It may well be that your ex is intending to put her in a nursery while he is at work and/or his new partner will take care of your dd. However, what he chooses to do with her on his contact days isn't really your business. In the same way you can choose to leave her with a babysitter, family member, or send her to play group without checking it's ok with him every time.

As painful as that is for you, I'm afraid a court wouldn't regard it as unacceptable for his new partner to care for your dd while he is at work. Especially as she would be spending time with her half siblings in the process.

So think carefully about what is best for your dd here. And if you can come to an agreement together. Maybe suggest pick up lunch time on a wednesday and no overnight, or evening with an overnight. If you can compromise and come to an agreement you may end up in court and find yourself with an arrangement you don't like at all.

Re Christmas, generally normal contact is suspended for the school holidays and you would have half the holidays each (ie 1 week each at xmas and easter, half the summer (either a 3 week block each or a combination of 2/2/1/1 weeks) and half terms are generally alternate, or half a week each.

You don't have to go with what is generally ordered by court. If something works better for your dd and you both, and you agree it together, then that is great.

And as your dd isn't at school yet you don't necessarily have to go with that at all. However it may be easier to go with that sooner rather than later so you can all know where you stand and can plan for the holidays well in advance. Remember you may want to take dd away at some point, as may your ex. Also if you can't agree, and your ex takes it to court, you would likely find his request is considered reasonable and so would be granted by the court.

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