Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

LO's birthday coming up & thought is stressing me out

10 replies

lillybee1 · 04/05/2015 17:10

Recently separated and little one's birthday is coming up. I have sunk into a deep depression over the last few weeks and the thought of arranging LO's birthday is stressing me out.

Ex wants to spend half the day having a separate birthday celebration with 'his family & friends'. These are mostly people I also used to call family and friends before we split up. Since then barely anyone has contacted me yet I know they see LO regularly with ex.

I guess there are two things - the thought that my LO should just have one birthday party not two separate ones - who celebrates their birthday twice??

And secondly I'm bitter that all these people will also be celebrating LO's bday without me there - the mother!

I know there are many single parent families but because I grew up in a very conventional family & don't have any single mum friends this is all alien to me and doing things separately all sounds so sad :(

Please tell me what you do during birthdays and how it works for you. And how you overcome any bitterness towards ex-in laws. Thanks.

OP posts:

Samsussex92 · 04/05/2015 17:35

I'm a single mum and really have any other mum friends :( how old is your little one ?

HeadDoctor · 04/05/2015 18:38

Bitterness towards ex in-laws, I sort of just tolerate them and I assume that the reason they are cold with me is down to mistruths my exH told them.

Birthdays - with my DC, my ex and I host a joint birthday party for their friends and then I have a family celebration with my side of the family and I think exH does the same, so that's three celebrations!

With my stepDC, their mum does the friend's birthday, she won't "let" DH be involved with that. We then do a family thing when we are here. We have a lot of young relatives so the absence of friends isn't a big deal. As they get old they're starting to make friends here anyway.

gillybean2 · 05/05/2015 14:12

Most dc who have separated parents get to celebrate their birthday twice. Once with mum and once with dad.

What arrangemets are in place for contact? If it's not a day your ex would usually see the dc then generally they would celebrate on their contact day.

Of course if you are happy to share the day, and ferry your LO back and forth on their birthday, then you can choose to do that.

Think about what is better for your dc in the long run, not just about how you feel about it. Will they be confused and or upset, or excited and happy to split the day?

Remember whatever you decide there will come a day when LO's birthday falls on a contact day with your ex. If you've agreed to share the day then you'll see your LO on that day. If not then you will be the one celebrating a few days later...

PotteringAlong · 05/05/2015 14:19

Plenty of people have 2 birthday celebrations! Parents split up / birthday on a school day / on Christmas Day / party with family and then friends. I don't think that bit is abnormal.

HeadDoctor · 05/05/2015 15:33

I'd say it's one of the perks of being a child of separated parents!

bluebell8782 · 05/05/2015 16:56

Birthdays are normally treated the same as Christmas with split families ie: a birthday with one parent and the following year it gets celebrated with the other parent.

Seeing as your ex has plans in mind already, perhaps your ex could have LO for this year and then you have LO for their birthday next year? Doesn't mean you can't celebrate with your LO this year, maybe just a few days later like your ex will have to next year. Maybe that will help ease the stress for the moment.

Unfortunately the bitterness sometimes comes with a breakup. It is hard as not only have you lost your partner, you lose family too, if you were close. They will probably be feeling stuck about 'choosing' anybody but at the end of it all there are loyalties to blood family etc... I'm sorry, it is shit, but it's something you will be able to cope with later when you aren't feeling so depressed

Original poster

lillybee1 · 12/05/2015 14:58

Thanks for all of the replies. I realise now how many separated couples there are out there and how many kids celebrate their birthday twice or three times with different family - it actually sounds quite nice and not as bad as I imagined.

I guess LO is so small - it's only 2nd birthday so I guess for her it would be better to celebrate together.

Has anyone held a birthday with ex and his family etc after separation? How did it work out?

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 13/05/2015 10:28

if you totally amicable then you can share these events - if one or more of you is angry or abusive then it will be tricky..as she is young you could instigate now the idea of separate celebrations and she wont remember any different.

Waltermittythesequel · 13/05/2015 10:32

Two birthday celebrations is fine and even nice!

As for his family and friends, unfortunately they are just that; his.

It would have been nice to have stayed amicable with them but I think you should let it go and concentrate on building your own network. For your own same only.

DressingGown · 31/05/2015 23:07

XP has dd (almost 2) the weekend before her birthday. She's with me the weekend after (and most other times too). On her actual birthday, XP and I both take her out for a day together, e.g. to the zoo. Same applies at Christmas. Neither of us have new partners and can (just about) remain civil over short periods, so seems sensible to us to both be there and avoid ferrying dd about. Good luck.

Flip