Any advice for a newly single mother please?

[HotSweetTea]

Hi everyone

I split from my 2.5 year old son's father about 2 months ago.

He is going through his own rubbish at the moment, finding it hard to accept the relationship is over. Consequently he is seeing his son sporadically. I want to set up regular contact so our son has stability and knows what will be coming up in his life. I think this is so important. Ex doesn't seem to think so and is being difficult.

Anyway, I just want to do right by my son. He seems a happy little boy. I am trying not to spoil him or over compensate for the lack of daddy time but I think sometimes I should calm down on that and cut him some slack. I don't want to spoil him but in the same token I don't want him to feel unloved.

For example bedtimes. He used to love bedtimes, never a problem. But since he went to stay with his dad last week he's gotten difficult. I've been quite strict so far but I wonder if I'm too hard on him. Maybe due to the circumstances I should be more lenient? I don't know.

Also everything we read or watch seem to have the two parent characters, and he notices. Can anyone recommend a book or film for toddlers which has a single parent theme or am I being silly?

I don't know what I'm posting about really. I just feel I need to do something to make sure he grows up stable and happy...

I've been following your thread with interest OP. XH moved out about a month ago, and I wanted to re-iterate what others have said about it being a positive experience. I have 4 DCs, (7 - 13) and we are a much calmer, connected, happier household. They seem to be doing ok (I take nothing for granted). XH however appears to have a face like a slapped arse most of the time, despite the split being entirely down to his awful behaviour.

It is tough, doing everything, and there's not enough time. I work 16 hours a week and am better off and financially independent than I was under XHs high-earning reign.

I am so happy as a single parent I sometimes feel guilty for it.

Oh and yes to keeping a diary! I did this too (as well as keeping copies of my MN threads) and it proved invaluable at the solicitors/when he was messing with my mind.

I am so happy as a single parent I sometimes feel guilty for it.

THIS

Good, in so happy to read how well you're doing. It's amazing isn't it? Kudos to you with 4 children. Much respect!!

It's hard on your own, but not nearly as hard as it was when we were together.so much less stressful.

Yes,I printed off all my threads on here. It is testament to what I've been through and reminds me why I did it. I have been through some dark dark times, and it's all there. The help and advice I got from mums net has been and continues to be, astounding. No wonder my ex hates you all this place gave me the strength to do what I considered impossible.

Face like a slapped arse.

The help I received from MN was phenomenal. Each step of the way I got good advice, a good taking to and huge support, and like you, there were some dark days.

I would also highly recommend taking a lover.

I wouldn't know what to do!

Hotsweettea he made me feel exactly how you describe. Even to this day. It's hard to put up with it but I feel like I'm comming to terms with it now on my own. It's a shame we can't discuss things like adults, he always storms out swearing and saying he deserves better when I ask to talk about anything. If I'm not happy 24/7 he doesn't want to know. Anything including responsibility he avoids but when I do something to annoy him or not the way he likes it he makes sly remarks, when I ask him what he said he replies 'i don't know what your talking about' -mind games.

Keeping a diary sounds like a good idea, I'll pick one up tommoro and leave it in my locker at work.
The way you describe how you feel with your x is me down to a t. I can't do anything at the momment though. I'm trying to save a little more. Already let my eldest brother know he's happy to help me and we plan to do it when he's at work. I'm upset because I feel like betrayed him but we can't even talk like adults and if we do my nerves are on edge so this is the best way..

I do need to work on my confidence. It's nice to have someone to talk to, Thankyou

Hello. I am soon to be a single mum to two boys age of 7 and 4. The relationship has been non existent between us for long time, probably because H doesn't love me anymore and has been working hard to create a life for him in his home country, he probably has a woman there and now announced he is moving back to his home country for work. He will visit every six months he says. For me this is looks like heartlessly abandoning his children. He was a good man while he cared about me, but then he stopped caring (he says all is my fault). I know it is probably for the best but still hurts a lot, especially for the sake of DC, I know they will idolize him especially via distance. We have no family nearby and no other male role models and I just moved to a dull suburb for a good secondary (and an extra bedroom) and feel trapped, would love to move back but the good secondary could give my boys so much including male role models that it seems smart sticking with. I feel out of place in the new house and feel like no stable ground left.

I found that when I started to talk to people and share my experience many, many others had XHs who behaved in the same way. You aren't alone and do keep talking because from what you have both posted, we've been subjected to the same behaviour and treatment.

And they think they are so unique and special.

There is life after separation and it can be a good one. I firmly believe that part of that can be down to us and choosing how we handle the situation and the attitude we adopt. I have some friends who carry the pain, hurt and bitterness around with them for years, even into their new relationships. Others (including myself) have chosen to hold our heads high and limit the damage. XH is part of my life and unfortunately always will be. I'll invite him round for dinner with us, I will chat as normal (deep down I can't stand him). Doesn't make him any less of a nasty piece of work, but remember - it is them - not us who are the bad guys.

Meadow - hello. Sorry to hear you are struggling with the break up of your relationship.

I just wanted to come on really quickly (I'm at work) and tell you my father left the family home when I was very young, and went to live in his home land (he also remarried out there). I can categorically tell you that neither I nor my sister idolized him. We felt abandoned. We idolized our mother (still do) - she did the job of mum and dad. And a brilliant job she did too. She had no family (she is also an immigrant) or friends. No external help whatsoever.

FWIW he IS heartlessly abandoning his children. He was NEVER a good man -a good man would not do this to his wife and children. END OF. You and your children are better off without him, and take that from someone who knows.

Right, got to go x

Harry and the Dinosaurs, The Gruffalo, the little bear books (Can't you Sleep Little Bear) all have only one parent figure.

Thank you supersparks

Another one is Where The Wild Things Are - I think