DD keeps asking me to contact her father

[Lioninthesun]

DD is nearly 4 and has had bouts of asking about her dad for around a year. We've had pictures being painted for him, asking where he lives, telling me how proud he would be of her latest jump or whatever, for example. However this last week it has ramped up quite a lot. She has gone back to nursery after the Easter break and now seems to be getting quite het up about it. Today she burst into tears in the car saying she loved her daddy and wanted to see him. She talked about it again to her two older friends (who came to let me know straight away) and then again in the bath she started crying and saying how much she loves him and wants to meet up with him.

I really don't know what to do next - I've tried the whole "we don't know where he lives", "you might see him when you are older", "I can't call him to see you, he has to do that himself" but feel I am doubting myself a bit. I have his email address and could contact him if needed, but he has made it very clear he wants no part of her life. Last time I saw him was in Court when he was trying to get out of maintenance payments when dd was just over a year old - he last saw her when she was 6 months old with no cards for birthday or any other contact. He also went self employed to reduce payments to £5 per week shortly after the Court appearance. I think it is clear that he doesn't want her in his life. However, a tiny part of me imagines him feeling remorse and wanting some contact. I worry this could just be me wanting what she wants to make her happy and that if he did say yes it would be pure curiosity and not a long term arrangement for contact.

All of which is beside the point as I don't feel I can contact him at all. I know he will think I am somehow trying to sabotage his life, when all I actually want is for dd to be happy. I feel a bit as though keeping her away from him is the kindest thing to do to her, but then again this could be a reflection of our unhappy relationship...although his summoning us to Court and subsequent ignoring of her does point to the idea he doesn't care at all.

Can anyone help me clarify this? Or help me with things to say as I don't think I can bear to see her this upset about it all when I can't do anything to help.

I'd email him. I'd tell him what you've put here and make it clear that he doesn't have to reply. I'm sure others will be along soon to say your daughter is better off without him but I think it's worth a shot. It's not like you've got anything to lose. Poor girl

I feel that way but then if he messes her around, isn't that worse? It's quite a gamble. He wasn't in a great place when we split, and I have no idea if he is more stable now.

I just feel for you op, and i feel for your dd. I have yrs long experience of this problem, with terrible repercussions when dad has been out of my child's life, and bad when he's in her life.

Flitting in and out, and having love dangled in front of you like a carrot is the hardest, demoralising and traumatic thing for a little child.

Right now your daughter isn't feeling the personal pain of rejection of a 'known' person iyswim. Yet she is feeling things based on the fact she knows there is a man out there who is supposed to be her dad.

If you try and contact him, persuade him, feel for what he 'may' be feeling about missing out, you will put your heart on the line, and your well being.

If he really hasn't bothered at all, keep it that way.

I don't know what you can tell her though. She is at the age when she knows other children have dads, they pick them up from school, they are 'around'.
You have to listen, remain positive, remain impartial and just try to ride through the questions. Keep strong for her. I totally sympathise though, it is so hard.

xxx

Ah that's awful

Email him. At least you know where you stand.

I was thinking there may be another option - his mum and I used to email all through pregnancy up to dd teething. However the last email I had from her was telling me to contact ex's solicitor and write a contract signing him out from his daughter's life financially. I never did obviously, but haven't forgiven her. She never emailed again and I always thought I wouldn't until she apologised, but maybe she is the safer option? She lives in NZ though, and he is in UK, so dd wouldn't be able to meet her but perhaps Skype?

I am worried as I have a small family, although plenty of friends and friends with kids so we are not often without company.

She's young , normalise it for her, " some children don't have contact with their dads but their mums just love them extra! " invite other kids round lots, have fun , have cuddles and enjoy your time together.

It may not be so much that she wants to know her father, just that she is seeing other kids around who have fathers and so feels she Is missing something, but not actually really knowing what that is it swim? I know a number of same sex couples whose kids at around this age have cried for / wanted to meet their fathers, even when they know, at an age appropriate level, that they don't have a father but have 2 mothers instead.

We have so many play dates - she honestly has about 6 close friends we see every week! I think I over compensate by doing lots of things every week. She is very happy other than this, which is perhaps why I am finding it so alarming.

I just don't know what else to say when she is crying and begging me to arrange for him to meet her.

Yes, I think it was going back to nursery where everyone is talking about what they did with their parents over the break perhaps that has triggered it again. Her friend's fathers also collect them from nursery. Poor dd has had to put up with me 24/7 for 2.5 weeks! No wonder she is crying

She can't possibly remember him or know enough about him to 'miss' him, but she obviously feels different or in need or something.

Thanks everyone, off to sleep now.

dont contact him - if he was interested he knows where you are..you will jsut set her up to be disappointed if he doesnt want contact you need to work on her resilience to not having a dad.
normalize it as was said.

tell her its ok to be sad sometimes but some children dont have daddies for different reasons. dad has died, dad has to work abroad, dad has left whatever. that dad gave you the special gift that is her and that is what counts.

but she has you and [name all the family and friends]

you could speak to a child bereavement charity for advice - call tehm -as effectively she has suffered a bereavement.

I spoke to the nursery about it this morning - they didn't really know about the background from me before. They said she has been talking about him a lot there too and obviously they have noticed she does 2 pictures/paintings etc, one for him and one for me. They are going to go over the different families with them soon as a few other families are breaking up and having some struggles.

I also spoke to a friend who said that I can't really tell dd I did everything I could to help her see him when she was younger if I don't at least email. So I have sent an email to him cc-ing his mum just to give him the option. I doubt he will want to see her and I haven't told her I have emailed. If she asks now at least I can say I have tried but not had a response, or that he said no. If he has had a personality overhaul and decides he does want to meet her, we can cross that bridge if/when it comes to it.

My Ds didn't see his Dad from when he was 3 and only has vague memories of his Dad.

I would say 4/5 seems to almost be the worst time in case of missing a parent...My ds did some play therapy ..The end result he missed a Dad rather than his own.

I have done the nothing is your fault, you were a baby, the different kind of families. I think he was really helped by a teacher explaining it was nothing he had done.

I was also told by someone else how every time my DS mentioned Dad it got a big response unlike an aunt they might see every few years.

I have also told my DS that his Dad knows where we are and if he wants to see him it is something he has to sort out.

I do also remember my Ds wanting to buy a card to post to his Dad but I said no as your Dad never sends you a card. It is tough. I don't want to upset him but I really don't want him turning his dad into some fantasy figure and if they ever meet up in later life be disappointed ..so everything I tell him is the truth..I do not bring his Dad up unless he does.

I do think it is a revolving door situation that he needs more info.

Hi I am in almost an identical situation to yours however my dd is now 9yo!

I go through phases of thinking i should try and make contact with dds dad, I know his address but like you he made it clear early on he wanted no part in dds life

Dd also goes through phases of this being an issue and other times where it is not mentioned at all. She has a few times been really upset, sobbing saying she wants a daddy and wants to see him

It is so tough but I remind her that she has lots of people in her life that love her very much (me, nanny, friends etc) and I acknowledge that it is tough for her.

My fear in contacting him is further rejection, however I am fairly confident that when dd is old enough she will go looking for him

Oh and there is a good book called 'Have I got a daddy?' that I got from Amazon, really helped talking about it with dd.

Sorry the book is called 'do I have a daddy?' bit dated but there is a lack of any similar books sadly. link

I just tell my DS that 'daddy doesn't want to be a daddy anymore' and that seems to solve some questions.

Its awful isn't it. He clearly does not want to be in your DD's life and I think letting her think he will be is not going to help her.

Thanks for the book recommendation.
I've not heard anything back so they must both be under the impression that ignoring it will make it go away I can't say I am particularly surprised.
I've said he still isn't ready to be a father to her and guess I will just have to keep repeating that. It's hard because in Court he was going on about how I was going to 'poison her mind against' him so I am trying to keep neutral but how do you tell a child their daddy can't be bothered without it being negative
Last time I tried to get him to see her in a Contact Centre was just before Court (and the judge said the same) and he somehow managed to turn it into me wanting him back in his life. He is so far up his own arse it is untrue!

girlie Does he have a way to contact you? I know my ex could contact via 4 mediums and so was confident he wasn't going to suddenly decide to be father of the year. The only good thing to come out of this is that I can say hand on heart I have now tried several times to get him to see her (without me around I should add) and he's rejected it. He can hardly say it is because of me that he doesn't see her now!

There is lovely new picture book out called Families Families Families. It explains all the different type of families you get with humorous pictures of animals. I used it with my DS to explain why he has a step brother, it's great. Will try to find the author name. Also I wondered if it was worth seeking out other lone parents so that she could meet a little girl in the same position as her - that would possibly help her feel better about it too. It must be very hard for you.

I was the child in this situation and I remember (and still live with) that longing and grief so much.

The difference for me though, and it's a huge one, is that my mother was severely depressed and so caught up in her own grief that it was something I never talked about. To me, it seems very, very positive, although obviously painful, that your dd is able to express her grief and sadness and have you think about it and support her. Those experiences will stand her in good stead throughout her life.

I do get the need to be able to say honestly that you did all that you could to get him to have a relationship with her. I called my father when my children were born and, although it was incredibly painful that he has no interest whatsoever in my life, I did it so that I can honestly answer that he knows about them when they've asked.

I use the 'it's hard to understand, but some people aren't very interested in their families, but it definitely doesn't mean that the families have done anything wrong or aren't worthwhile' line with my children, or words to that effect.

Just keep doing all the things that you're doing and letting her talk about it and express her feelings. You can be proud of the close relationship you've got with her, which will go some way towards compensating for her father's inadequacy.

Christina... Thank you for sharing...sorry your Dad had no interest but it is really helpful to hear what you would want to have heard.

I can only try to imagine how it feels for my DS and try to balance the truth and protecting his emotions

We are very close - thank you for that. It is very hard when the one thing your child is really upset about is out of your control.

We do have a couple of single mum friends, but they have large families around them and so cousins/aunties/uncles and grandparents all feature heavily. Dd only has my dad (possibly yet another reason that she thinks having one would be fun as they play for hours) as I am an only child. She knows her grandma lives in NZ and was asking me to go on holiday there to meet her with such hope and excitement, it was enough to make me well up.

If he ever has more kids I doubt they will even know they have a step sister until they are all old enough to find each other. Actually dd will be 18 first so he can have the pleasure of her turning up on his doorstep and have to explain that one!

Those books all sound great. The nursery are also working on it. We went to her swimming lesson and two older girls were getting changed together without mums and she said "where is their mummy?" and I said "they are old enough to change all by themselves!" and she said "but some people DON'T have mummies, you know?" so that hopefully will help.

I second books and stories. I work with families who have complex backgrounds (varios good reasons for having one absent parent). I have a library of books that I lend out for bedtime reading that help children to voice their feelings. The ideas here are great, also you can search for books that cover your specific issue directly (PM me if you want ideas, or just google childrens books age 4 divorce, separation, absent parent) and also get some books that talk about feelings (anger, worry, loss, sadness). The better her emotional language is the more she will be able to express herself to you.

Also it may be helpful to start some family activities with her that celebrate your lives together. Writing happy stars each day that celebrate something you've done and keeping them on a jar or hung on a string, making paper dolls together that show how many people love her (your dad, special friends etc). Allow her to include her dad if she wants to - just let her figure out her own place for him in her thoughts over time. It's really, really hard. But you are doing the right thing supporting her through it.

Thank you choco - I will pm you for some book ideas too. I do feel I don't want to put words in her mouth so the emotions books sound great.
She was talking about him again this morning. She said she wants her daddy to come and play with her and give her lovely warm snuggles like we do and started to tear up a bit. She also said he could come and live with us so he could put her to bed at night which I said clearly was never going to happen. I said he wasn't very good at being a daddy which is why he isn't here and that I had asked him again to see her and he hadn't replied, so we'll go on being a team without him. She seemed to be fine after that, almost as if I had turned a switch. We had a small chat on the way to nursery about him and what he does for his job (which she knows anyway) and then she changed the subject back to wanting Elsa powers for her birthday I think it's just going to be a regular part of our day for a while. Nursery said because of school starting in September they are all getting a bit clingy and wanting to know where stability is in preparation.