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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I find this a really scary precedent-dad using Facebook to find ex &dd

23 replies

ooarmehearties · 21/04/2015 08:08

www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10204091037171463&set=p.10204091037171463&type=1&fref=nf

I know he probably is a nice Dad, and people feel they want to help, but it just sent chills down me. If my ex did this, people would think the same, a top bloke being wronged by an evil ex. In fact he was the most abusive, narcissistic toxic person i ever met. He smeared my name and did all the classic narc stuff. My dd displayed disturbing behaviour due to his treatment of us when in the relationship. I would go to the ends of the earth to protect her.

The hunting down bit really puts the fear in me, and the rallying by strangers leaves a bad taste in the mouth. How do they know if all is as it seems? I just think it's a dangerous precedent and it's really shaken me up.
I am having help with ptsd because of the head games and abuse from my ex. This fb thing makes me feel really unsafe. shiver
What do you all think?

OP posts:

flanjabelle · 21/04/2015 08:10

Completely agree with you. Very worrying.

flanjabelle · 21/04/2015 08:11

Anyone can put across a sob story on Fb, most abusive men are fantastic manipulators!

winsomewitch · 21/04/2015 08:11

I had this post pop up on my FB last night and straight away wondered what the back story was.

I certainly didnt share just incase there was abuse behind the motivation. Hopefully its just a desperate Dad who loves his DD but what if its not

Vladimar · 21/04/2015 08:12

I know I am biased because I was with a narc also but the rant he puts under the picture really reminds me of the kind of thing he would write. Like his parents asking why they are hated etc.

hesterton · 21/04/2015 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

textfan · 21/04/2015 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

treaclesoda · 21/04/2015 08:16

I never share 'help me find this person' posts on Facebook unless they come from an official source - police or newspaper.

But tbh I would never have realised the problems they could potentially cause if I didn't read so much on mumsnet.

SoupDragon · 21/04/2015 08:16

Anyone can put across a sob story on Fb

That works both ways unfortunately and it can be impossible to find out the truth. There certainly are women who stop the fathers of their children from having contact.

Nevertheless, there is no way I would share information like this and, if I recognised the person, I would talk to them about it not some internet random.

HeyDuggee · 21/04/2015 08:18

Hang on, she had a court date the next day and fled with their child the night before! And with absolutely no other facts, the default is that the father must be abusive? WTF!!!

How about the possibility the mother may be a vindictive person who is using the child as a pawn in their dispute? It is just as plausible as the conclusions jumped to on this thread.

what doesn't sit well with me is people speculating and stereotyping.

cantseemtohaveitall · 21/04/2015 08:20

Totally agree OP. I find this utterly chilling (I have experience of someone close to me being with an abusive narc). And just so infuriating that this man's plea has clearly spread so far on FB. People just don't think, evidently.
He even admits that he is under a court order - do people not realise that you don't get put under a court order for no reason?!

treaclesoda · 21/04/2015 08:22

No, I wasn't assuming him to be abusive. I was just working on the grounds that I have no way of knowing who he is or what the back story is, so I only share posts on facebook from 'official' sources.

SoupDragon · 21/04/2015 08:26

He even admits that he is under a court order - do people not realise that you don't get put under a court order for no reason?!

He says he has a court order stating he has access to his daughter every week, Friday to Saturday.

Not sure what you think this means.

Original poster

ooarmehearties · 21/04/2015 08:32

I wasn't assuming he was abusive, but was applying it to my own situation and wondering how many people would do the same.

I know what you mean about me giving it more publicity, but the mother has been located and so i thought it was over with anyway.

It has been a total trigger for me. And i'm sure for a lot of people. My experience of court and family law hasn't been the best, as my ex is so skillful at manipulation. Despite the fact he is under a court order, lots of people still belive him and think he's a loving dad.

I agree also, that it may be the case that the mother is vindictive and using the child as a pawn, but sorting it out through facebook isn't the way to go. Other's will do this now, and it's now a new way for abusive ex's to hound their victims. A new path has been forged, and it's not good. I'm very scared for the future. It should be flagged up with women's aid.

OP posts:

Original poster

ooarmehearties · 21/04/2015 08:35

My ex's court order includes a clause not to approach me, and to do contact through a third party. He regularly breeches this.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 21/04/2015 09:22

no one knows any side of the story. you cant know if the dad is "wronged" here or the mother. if teh mother is being wronged then she ahs evidence he is harassing her. if dad is being wronged it's a bit much to go posting pics on facebook but maybe he is desperate. dont share it unless you know the people involved for sure.

mousetail · 21/04/2015 12:44

There is something in the wording that makes me quite wary, it is the kind of thing exP would have written as well.

Makes me feel glad that I got away from him without any fuss simply because I left and moved far away before he knew I was pg. That other court thread makes me very thankful I'm not having to deal with him now. It could all have been so messy and traumatic if I hadn't had the presence of mind to leave when I did.

STIDW · 21/04/2015 16:21

By pursuing the issue on the internet the father leaves himself open to allegations of molestation or harassment. The correct way to proceed would be for the father to apply for a seek and find order through the courts. Courts can order DWP, family and friends etc to disclose the whereabouts of children to the court. If there is evidence of DV a decision then can be made not to disclose the information to the father.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/04/2015 16:25

That is a bit scary.

I can see how it goes both ways - and there IS no way to know the truth if you're not the ones in the situation - so I wouldn't be sharing a photo/post like that if it ever cropped up on my FB feed, just in case.

BertieBotts · 21/04/2015 17:23

I've seen another like this.

That one has particularly chilled me because she looks very like a friend's DD and the friend did escape DV, fortunately it was years ago now and the children I believe now have contact with their father, court ordered, so it's not her, but horrid.

You could report it as harrassment, I'm not sure whether or not FB will take it down.

But yes, worrying. You understand why people don't want pictures of their children going up on FB when you see things like this. And devastating that so many people don't realise the potential implications of a post like this too.

Starlightbright1 · 21/04/2015 20:15

I also think you know nothing...

I can read it 2 ways..

I she is so fearful of contact she fled.
or 2 she has just ran and he is a desperately worried Dad who really will use what resources he can to find his daughter.

We don't know which so no I wouldn't share

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/04/2015 18:52

You do not need to know the back story to understand that attempting to find someone like this is inappropriate,it's also quite likely to be construed as harassment and intimidating.

There are simple proper channels to go down if you wish to locate someone

Starlightbright1 · 22/04/2015 19:08

Social media is a tool used by many to find missing people, cats and yes if I was a desperate parent I would use it...

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/04/2015 19:45

It is but usually those who have legit reasons to use it tend to be attached to a specialist org or the police.

It's a very aggressive way for an individual to behave and is quite likely to result in it back firing (I've seen this type of thing highlighted on far to many none molestation orders and what not)

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