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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

He won't stick to contact!,

15 replies

2little2late2change4now · 12/04/2015 17:06

So ex p left 2 months ago, since then he has cancelled arranged contact, been late, stopped all communication for 2 weeks and been verbally abusive at contact times. I'm 17 weeks pg and dd is 2 and a week ago we sat down and drew up a contact agreement between us and signed it. Well he hasn't even stuck to it for a week, today literally a couple of hours before contact he has cancelled. Aibu in saying no more contact until he gets a court order and actually sticks to it. We wait in for him only for him to cancel and I do understand that sometimes this will be unavoidable but today his excuse was he's angry about everything. He comes to our house because he won't let me have his address and doesn't want me here so I make plans to go out during his contact but then he cancels and I end up cancelling plans.
As a side not ow is back from her holiday today and I have absolutely no doubt that this cancelling is because he simply wishes to spend the day with her!

OP posts:

Original poster

2little2late2change4now · 12/04/2015 20:01

Bump

OP posts:

Cluesue · 12/04/2015 20:09

Sounds the only fair way to me,but be prepared for him to just not bother with contact or take it to mediation and still muck you about.

Cluesue · 12/04/2015 20:10

Is he as unreliable with maintenance

Original poster

2little2late2change4now · 12/04/2015 22:22

Not as yet but I plan to get it setup through the cms just incase he decides that's his next move x

OP posts:

Spotifymuse · 13/04/2015 09:05

I would keep everything in writing. Email him proposed contact dates for the next month and give him the opportunity to amend or agree to those dates. Keep note of when he does and doesn't show up.
If he doesn't step up within the next month, see a solicitor and get them to write to them. Your daughter needs stability and consistency and it sounds as if you need help to get that message through to him.

Jackieharris · 13/04/2015 09:08

Don't jointly register the new baby with him.

It sounds like he's either going to give you a lifetime of hassle or disappear off the scene soon.

What you need for your DCs is consistency & stability.

MrsKCastle · 13/04/2015 09:17

I would put an end to the arrangement where he comes to your house. He can come and collect DD (on the doorstep- don't let him in) and take her somewhere. Then I would make it clear that she will be available for collection at the agreed times and if he doesn't show up within half an hour, he will miss his contact time. Keep everything in writing and try not to engage. If he texts to cancel, just reply 'ok then, see you next time.'

If he cares about your DD, he will make the effort to see her. And if he doesn't, nothing can make him step up and be a father.

Original poster

2little2late2change4now · 13/04/2015 11:19

Unfortunately he has taken her before and turned his phone off and left her with strangers and refused to bring her back. He has finally after much persuasion made contact today but was still verbally abusive to me but wants to draw a line under this and resume his contact with dd as previously agreed but I feel like I'm done now as he'll just let her down again unless it's court ordered. I think with my hormones I may be clouded but this seems no good for anyone. I have a solicitor appointment on weds and plan to discuss it all then but I think he'll turn up tomorrow for his contact.

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 13/04/2015 14:01

A court order will simply show the minimum time you have to make dc available for contact with him. He can still fail to turn up if he so chooses.

Lonecatwithkitten · 13/04/2015 15:07

As Gilly has said all a court order does is create a ridged schedule that you have to adhere to making your DC available for contact it can not make a NRP take up contact.
By stick to informal arrangements you have more control over what you want to do. As long as your suggestions are reasonable leave court as somewhere he takes you.

STIDW · 13/04/2015 20:24

Good contact for children relies on parents working together or at least not against one another. Its very early days and it can take a year or so to establish a reasonable contact regime. A court order wont necessarily resolve the problem and going to court is likely to cause resentment and resistant making communication and working together in the future difficult or impossible. In any event the courts expect parents to try and resolve the issues between themselves first.

Starlightbright1 · 14/04/2015 14:39

It sounds like emotions are running high.

My advice.. You need to give him enough rope so you can say you didn't turn up then then and then. reason given.

As has been said Contact will not necessarily improve with a court order.

Do you think he is interested or not? My Ex was abusive and it was just about trying to control me. not let me have a life.

Don't argue the toss with him just move onto the next contact. He will get less pleasure from the messing you about if he simply doesn't know how much he is pissing you off. Also ensure he doesn't know you have any arrangements to go out or even you have been out. This stuff is none of his business now.

Original poster

2little2late2change4now · 15/04/2015 08:03

I think to be honest he is just seriously messed up, I think he feels like he's made a big mistake but now he has to follow through with it (because there's no way he's coming back after what's gone on)

He's someone who likes to keep everyone happy and is struggling to keep anyone happy right now. I think he does genuinely want to be a dad but I think it's a stark reminder of what he's lost.

We need mediation but he can't afford it but would have to pay. He's changed tactic again and is being nice and sorry now, he says he has to make some difficult decisions about his new relationship but promises not to walk away from his children again. He went from shouting and calling me names and slamming doors to trying to hug me in a few hours, my head is spinning, I just want consistency for the children!

The trouble is he'll go and tell this woman he has to put his children first and then she won't like it which will annoy him and then he'll be angry again. I can just see life always being a battle and its wearing me down so badly. I may be 17 weeks pregnant but I'm the skinniest I've been in years despite eating, I just can't take the stress anymore.

OP posts:

Missmonkeypenny · 15/04/2015 08:48

If he's abusive, has taken DD without your convent and left her with strangers and repeatedly lets her down, is it in her best interests to keep seeing him, let alone yours?

Starlightbright1 · 15/04/2015 14:44

You are still listening to him... Don't bother to listen to all this, he wants everyone to feel sorry for him. How hard it is for him...Contact is .... any issues with the children to discuss.

I assume he hasn't been worrying about how tough it is for you and making it easier for you.

It took me a while to give my Ex the right amount of distance so get it is difficult but less you listen to the easier it gets.

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