Ex partners new family

[hanlou12]

Hi all, thanks for reading.
My daughters father and I have been apart for a year and he has a new girlfriend. I recently and briefly, met her and her family and although they appear a lovely family it became apparent that the new girlfriends mother reffers to her as Nanna. I feel really uncomfortable with this as I don't feel this is appropriate until either the ex and his girlfriend are engaged or married (which they are not) or ideally until they had a baby together ultimately leaving my daughter with a permanent connection to that family.
Are my feelings justified? Should I talk to my ex partner about it? I don't want to come across as a 'bitter ex'
Han x

I don't think it really matters. They could be together years and never marry. My ex did this with his girlfriend. I really didn't like it but tbh it was more because it was a reminder that my children now had a family that I knew nothing about. Is your ex likely to listen to you and respect your wishes? Isn't your DD going to be confused if this woman has been Nanna for a while and then stops being Nanna? Even if they got married, they could separate.
I'd say it's normal to feel like you do but I think it would be inappropriate to be dictating what his side of your child's family call themselves.

I know this must be difficult for you, but to be welcomed into another family and made to feel at home is a good thing for your dd. It might be hard for you to imagine that she can belong to another family as well as her original one, but you need to put your own feelings aside on this (and sadly many other step parenting issues!) and accept that if your dd is happy calling her Nanna, that's what she should call her.

Being around other DCs who call relatives by a certain name can get a bit confusing for DCs, so if there are other children in the family calling her Nanna and yet your dd is expected to call her by her first name it will single her out. Often children just pick up on what everyone else calls someone and do the same (my DP's youngest dd often calls him by his first name instead of dad when she's around my DCs, as she hears them calling him by his name!)

My DCs call DP's GD Grandad as they don't have any GPs of their own and luckily for us, he has treated my DCs the same as all the blood-related GDCs in terms of Xmas presents etc. DP and I are not married, have no plans to be and certainly don't plan any more DCs. That doesn't make us any less committed than a married couple.

Thank you, just needed some independent advice x

I think this one would be a pick your argument ones.

My DS called the old lady on the corner grandma for a long time she loved it and DS felt special

Agree with the others, try to see the positives in this, at least your dd has caring adults around her.

It all must still be raw for you though?

Be kind to yourself and yes this is defiantly a pick your argument moment

He has been very secretive about everything, I think because he was begging me to take him back when he was with his new partner. I have no intention of getting back with him and I'm not the type of person to tell her about him, she will have to find that out for herself.
I've always felt uncomfortable with over familiarity, but you're all right! There are lots more important things that cause me stress when it comes to the ex, like consistency with his contact with dd, that is more concerning than a title that someone gives themselves.
Thank you so much, I really do feel better :) xx

I think because he was begging me to take him back when he was with his new partner.

He's acting like the low down pond slim he is, I hope that you can detach from him and start living your life in happiness.

Dd and I have the best family support network and just get on with things, just some days (like yesterday) I needed a rant!

I think we all need to do that sometimes

That's what MN is here for!

None of it is easy, but as you've said, you don't want to get back together with him, so you just need to figure out how to make it all work. Lots of things will rankle a bit while it settles down, but in time you will hopefully all feel comfortable with the set up as it is.

Han - you won't magically feel differently should they get engaged, or married, or have a baby.
It's just a name. I have friends with grandparents who I call nanny/ gran etc. it doesn't mean anything. Save your battle gloves for a real war

But if the child does want to, what then? Make a big deal out of it and make them feel conflicted?

Needaholiday there is nothing in ops posts to suggest her child doesn't want to call them this. I think op should follow her child's lead here and not cause drama when none is needed

I dont agree with partners family referring to themselves as grandparents especially when they already have a set. However my exs family is rather shady and have been divided up so much he has step mom a step dad as well as his mam and dad, half brothers and half sisters,step brother ( exs siblings are to three women including himself)you can imagine its slightly more confusing than your normal family for my 7year old. If he called his dads gf parents then his dads two sets and then my husbands parents it would work out he would have a ricidious amount. My son is quite happy to call them by their names otherwise he said he finds the whole thing confusing.

Needholiday I've seen your posts an u sound to resent dsd a little and keep her detached a little. My dsd calls my parents nana Granda obviously we all know biologically she's not but we don't treat her different and her mum is happy with it. It nice to kno your child doesn't feel like an outsider and is same as other children.

I'm not one sided as a step mother as I have a son that has a step mother too. I was more concerned wether she cared for him and gave him hugs when he needed one at the beginning.

There's far more to family than blood, and IMO with the exception of mum/dad I think it's perfectly fine to refer to nanna/gramps/auntie/uncle etc. In fact in some generations the use of first names is not deemed to be acceptable so an alternative is sought.

And it is far better that new family embrace a child as part of that family rather than treat them as outsiders. On mn I've seen all too often posts from people who take the view that because they are step children they're not actually part of the family, even down to a whole thread recently where posters were talking about how they didn't want to take their dsc to see extended family because that was their dc's family and should be just for them. no wonder step families are so messed up with that kind of attitude.

Wannabe I totally agree and I read that post to about not wanting to take sc because it was their dc grand parents.

my sisters step daughter called my parents auntie a and uncle b, like our cousins who were about her age, until her first little sister was about a year old when, by her own choice, she started using granny and grandad. She asked if she could, to be the same as her little sister, and my mum told her to check it was ok with her mum and if so then certainly she could.

her mum wasn't best pleased to start with but 'let' her and now, 15 years on and 7 years since my sister and her step daughter's dad divorced and two years since the step daughter had anything to do with her dad, her step daughter still calls my parents granny and grandad, and with the full support of her mum still comes for boxing day with our family, attends all family functions, calls us all auntie, uncle, granny and grandad etc and is as much a part of the family as any of the many blood connected kids we've got between us.

It wasn't easy to get where they've got too but not worrying too much about names and supporting connections was the best thing my niece's mum could have done for her.

For her 18th birthday my sister and my niece's mum shared the cost of a photo shoot for her with all her siblings as a surprise and at my niece's request they both joined her in one picture. They've come a long way but its lovely to see life working out well for them :-)