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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Access after child has been abused

21 replies

Timmytime2025 · 04/04/2015 10:01

Anyone been to court under these circumstances? Have to be careful what I put. Ex had terrible temper and routinely screamed in 5 week olds face, tried to punnish her for being clingy, rough with Her and threw her onto a sofa when she wouldn't stop crying. Repeatedly he threatened to take her. Refuses to stop the car when she was hysterical and hungry and wound the window down to make her cold and shut her up. Never did he make one bottle, change a nappy nothing. We were forced to sleep downstairs because her crying disturbed his sleep and the neighbours in a house with no heating. I was so scared I woudl hold her all night. He woke me and her screaming in my face for fun. He had me prisoner with all the money. I managed to escape with LO with only what I could fit in a car. Hv helped me pack. Police and social services are aware and ive reported it all to them. I have alarms on my house and a Marac order. He didn't even report me missing for well over a week. He has all my possessions and money. All I wanted was LO safe I don't care what he did to me. Now I hear he intends to try and find me and take me to court I am terrified. This is mil not him. She knew what he was doing and wouldn't help me either. I can't sleep im terrified. Solicitor says stand and fight but Womens aid are telling ME he will get access im so scared he is plausible.
Any help or experiences please?

OP posts:

dangerrabbit · 04/04/2015 10:03

No advice but sorry to hear about your experiences

Have you reported the extent of his abuse to social services? Make sure you do this so they can back you up with evidence in court

Original poster

Timmytime2025 · 04/04/2015 10:13

They were phoning ME daily and talking on the phone and I have dates, times and locations but the fear is obviously I was the only one there he isn't going to admit it is he?

OP posts:

Spotifymuse · 04/04/2015 16:06

Sadly, yes he probably WILL get access eventually. But given that you have reported incidents of violence, MARAC etc there will likely be a process of introducing supervised contact first IF that is deemed safe.
Try not to panic although that's easier said than done. I would say get yourself a solicitor who is more realistic about the fact that even abusive fathers get access.

Original poster

Timmytime2025 · 04/04/2015 18:34

This one is a dv specialist but I am sure she sees a very big case and lots of money as much as anything. My friend who is a solicitor says the same. I'm going to make some calls on Tuesday he still doesn't even know I called the police as far as he knows I vanished without a penny to my name or even a vehicle 6 months ago that is how much he cares he didn't even knock on my friends door on the street up, call my parents nothing!! It's disgusting. How that person could ever benefit my LO I can't imagine.

OP posts:

STIDW · 04/04/2015 18:58

Its unusual for an order for no contact because the harm from DV is balanced against the harm children suffer when they don't have any relationship with a natural parent at all.

However if there is evidence of DV and the child being at risk of harm its very unlikely that anything more than indirect contact (birthday cards, letter, emails etc) or supervised contact will be ordered until the perpetrator shows some remorse and changes their behaviour. In the meantime a fair number of the perpetrators give up.

liveloveluggage · 04/04/2015 19:09

Wow how awful that he may get access, I would move house as far away as possible leaving no forwarding address and consider changing my name. I am not joking about that, I wouldn't live my life looking over my shoulder but there's no need to make it easy for him.

Original poster

Timmytime2025 · 04/04/2015 19:14

I've been living that way 6 months im a good distance but he could apply to court and child benefit would give the court my address to serve papers. Further would make it harder for him. We are a good distance away now but have made new friends etc and I have set up a business. No one ive befriended even knows my name. Police said I shouldn't go out alone incase- how reassuring. Do I run again? Don't know what to do im so scared.

OP posts:

liveloveluggage · 04/04/2015 20:04

I feel like I would very carefully weigh up the true likelihood of him applying for access, would he bother? If there was a good chance, I would consider moving again to make it harder and doing all I could to make it hard to find me. But if I felt he probably wouldn't bother I might not go to these lengths. But I would have a backup plan in case he did apply.

Original poster

Timmytime2025 · 04/04/2015 20:44

I thought he wouldn't bother but the threat has now been made. It's entirely mil and he doesn't know about police etc nor does he have my address. I think once papers land I can't run that's the problem? If I do and he's not bothered he's ruined everything again. So hard

OP posts:

Spero · 04/04/2015 20:51

You will have to prove his abuse on the balance of probabilities if he denies it, but if police and SW have responded effectively, you should have enough evidence, police are obviously taking it seriously.

I do get pissed off with Women's Aid sometimes - there is no automatic presumption that a violent man will get contact but they seem to think there is. The problem however is that a court cannot simply curtail or restrict a child's right to know both his parents without proper evidence. So just saying 'but he is abusive' is not enough. The court will have to make a finding that he is.

But once that finding is made, no violent abusive parent can expect just to waltz in and have contact. They will need to accept that their violence/abuse is a serious failure of parenting and they will need to demonstrate that they can change and keep the child safe.

I agree he is likely not to pursue it, unless of course this could be a way of perpetuating abuse. But he won't get legal aid and you probably will so that might slow him down a bit.

Original poster

Timmytime2025 · 04/04/2015 20:59

I do get legal aid. The hv helped me pack my car when I left. I went to the police as soon as I arrived here it is also reported to social services who have said if he has contact I will be in trouble and I have a MARAC letter. The police have alarmed my house. He has all my White goods, furniture and the £5k i put into the house. I had to buy a car on crediit card to leave as he put both in his name and blocked them in when he went to work so I couldn't go anywhere. He had all my money transferred to his account which I can prove. I don't know if that means anything?

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 04/04/2015 21:05

you solicitor will advise what you can and cant put forward as evidence.

the most he is likely to get at this stage is supervised contact. be sure to sk for fully and properly supervised and reported contact ie a full report is made back to court. that can be drawn out for a long while.

keep reporting any threats harassment to police.

BertieBotts · 04/04/2015 21:09

Anything you have proof for you must get on record ASAP - give copies to your solicitor. Also useful to have a statement for stuff you can't prove (e.g. cars - any chance there might be CCTV in the street at all to prove the blocking in thing?) Well, it might be useful, or it might not, but either way it can't hurt.

I'm assuming if it goes to court you'll have CAFCASS involved?

Original poster

Timmytime2025 · 04/04/2015 21:16

She's a tiny baby there is no way that monster is taking her anywhere. The hv saw the van blocking the drive she called Womens aid for me at my house.
Of course he could say I made the lot up his family will obviously lie they didn't help me when I was there. I'd have to be an amazing actress though I was terified leaving, in a terrible state at the police station.
This is the fear he always said no one would believe me and he would take LO.

OP posts:

CheeseandGherkins · 15/05/2015 11:58

I'm so sorry to hear this, the way he has treated you both is disgusting. If I'm honest, and if I were you, I would move as far away as possible and just disappear. I think you've had a lucky escape.

cestlavielife · 15/05/2015 14:51

if access is granted it will likely be supervised initially and you can certainly push for only supervised and recorded and reported contact in a conctact centre...this would continue for many months so buys time to see if he improves. go to www.naccc.org.uk and visit some local contact centres se ee what service they can provide.

if court ordered then you might not have to pay... www.naccc.org.uk

and yes keep copies of any evidence, crime numbers, report everything even small things to solicitor or social worker by email so there is a record.

if he is keen for contact 1. supervised
2 court can order him to do a parenting course

ask for both of the above.

MakeItRain · 20/05/2015 23:59

Keep strong. I think you will be fine. My advice will be to begin to collate absolutely any written evidence you have, and document phone calls. Request in writing any call logs from the police and ss. You can insist on supervised contact, and it sounds like you have enough evidence and reasons to be requesting this. It sounds like all the right people (hv/ police/ ss/ women's aid) believe that he is a risk, and this will have a huge sway on any decision made by the court.

Jenny16123 · 23/05/2015 16:16

hi I am in need of desperate help my ex has had supervised contact with service called new leaf service to cut the story short the owner of new leaf services gave him a false report and lied in court for him this has put my children in danger both my girls are being sexualy abused my 4 year old made disclosure to me and soical services however they keep an saying theirs not enough evidence. A senior judge has allowed overnight stay and it's traumatising as a mother cafacss has ignored all my concern if I breach the court order trying to protect my kids I risk of losing my kids or going to prison I have taken three solicitors advice and all say the same thing .my only way of protecting my kids is by allowing contact to continue. The police have been involved too saying it's not enough. The culprint of all this is newleaf has anyone else had this experience from their services.

Selks · 23/05/2015 16:30

Hi Jenny, you'll get more responses if you start your own thread rather than add on to an existing thread. You might not get the help you need otherwise. Good luck, sounds an awful situation.

StrawberryMojito · 23/05/2015 16:31

Jenny you need to start your own thread.

With the information you have provided, I don't understand what is happening. Once you 4 year old made the disclosure to social services what happened then? Has your ex been arrested and interviewed?
What has this new leaf organization said on behalf of your ex?

WatchaGonnaDo · 31/05/2015 18:25

Even if things with are tickety boo with ex, you can relocate within the uk if you make access possible. Threats of court are only threats if they go for it, which most of the time they are trying to scare the shit out of you as they think they can still control you. Keep calm, professional and only have contact in writing. It's bloody hard to do that though

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