Forcing Contact

[drizzledream]

Hi, I'm hoping for some advice as I'm not sure that what I'm thinking of doing is in my dds best interests.

I have a 7 year old dd from a one night stand who's father has never acknowledged her. For a long time I was okay with this, we moved 200 miles away and started a new life and I suppose I thought I would meet someone who would become a father type figure in her life. However this hasn't happened and my daughter is becoming more and more desperate to know her dad it seems to be really getting to her and that's understandable as his refusal to even recognise her as a person who exists is quite a damaging thing to do I think.

Anyway, I have been in contact with her fathers father trying to get him to contact me but he hasn't and its been a year of asking and sending letters and photos and there has been nothing back.

So I'm now thinking of contacting the child maintenance people and letting them trace him and force him to start paying maintenance. The thing is that this doesn't really help my daughter at all, she still wouldn't have a relationship with him if he doesn't want to so really I'm just doing it out of bitterness and because I think he should take responsibility for this child in some way. Basically he's hurt her and I'm so angry.

Ahhh, I'm so confused, I'm not really a vengeful person but surely you shouldn't be able to get away with this?

My Ds has had no contact with his Dad since he was 3.

He has struggled to understand why his Dad does not see him. I have had to do work on how none of it was his fault, all families are different. I have told him I don't know where I live but if he wanted to get in touch ( his Dad ) he would be able to.

Also you could look if there is a single parents group if she doesn't know many children that are part of a single parent family.

I think the work needs to be helping her accept it. You are right the maintenance will do nothing for your daughter wanting her Dad...Infact my DS 7 does not know his dad pays £10 a fortnight through CSA...Because despite it been a joke amount a 7 year old does not understand £10 is not a lot of money or that he is only paying because he is forced to.

One thing that did help my DS was when a teacher had a chat to him after his response to the topic happy families last year. It finally seems to have settled for him now for about a year.

Thanks for the reply, we do know lots of single parent families, well enough for her to know it isn't unusual but what we don't know is any other children who's dad has never even seen them, the worst thing is that she knows he has other children and she is the only one he won't see.

I have been trying to work with her on similar things to the ones you mentioned and have tried to put the onus on him that he isn't able to see her rather than it being her fault in any way. But where this used to come and go in phases, she would get upset for a while, we would work on it, talk about it maybe read some books which fitted in, this time it's not going away and nothing seems to ease the hurt. She's got to the point where she's bringing it up on a daily basis now.

I know claiming the money is pointless all it will do is cause him upset for no real gain for her I guess it's just the idea that anyone can do something this shitty without any ramifications.

I am trying to think of things that helped.

We had what I called revolving door questions..they would come back frequently.

I started turning it round and told him how lucky he was.

Is she asking the same questions? Is it about seeing her answer maybe she needs something a little more blunt. Do you ever mention her Dad when she doesn't?

Another thing someone else said to me which I really had to think about was that lots of people leave our lives for various reasons. When DS mentions his Dad. I immediately give his comment some importance and feel I must reply. I noticed he would talk about his Dad at bedtime. I changed and said it wasn't a conversation for bedtime and if he wanted to talk about it the next day we could.

Also if you really think it is not making progress she may need some counselling. We did have a service through school nurse however it was cut due to budget cuts but may be worth inquiring.

My children dont have contact with their dad. His choice (tho I'm relieved for their mental wellbeing he isn't in their lives so would not push for this to change).
I've always been honest, age appropriate, about the situation if they've queried it, but only if they bring it up obviously. So far they show little interest in him. He also has other children to other women & he sees them. But they live nr him & we r not so I would probably explain this as the reason if it came up for now.
Maintenance... I claim every penny of his that my kids are entitled to. I see it as their money, not mine or his. They never asked to be born, we consciously chose to have them. Every penny I've had has been via csa & he's done his best to avoid paying but the arrears keep mounting & sooner or later it comes. It is the only thing he does albeit not willingly that makes a positive difference to their lives. It's not spiteful to claim it, because it's not about him, it's about giving my kids the best childhood & experiences & start in life I possibly can.
That's how I feel anyway