Can't get over not being a family

[2little2late2change4now]

I can't get over the fact that we won't be a family and that its all my fault. Dd is heartbroken and only 2 and I'm 15 weeks pregnant. I miss him so much, but he's so cold and detached, I know he's doing it to stay strong and because he's hurting and now he's with someone else. I have a my condition that I should've got help for a long time ago and it has caused major issues and I've behaved awfully. I wish there was something I could say or do to make him just consider being a family. We are his family and we love him and miss him and it hurts. I spend most days talking to people or crying its so pathetic, I need to get a grip but I just can't. They won't give me any medication or even anything to help me sleep. I really wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. The only thing stopping me from ending it all is that I don't want dd to grow up with this new woman as her mum :(

Oh bless you.

It's good that you're speaking to people and it's perfectly natural to cry. Has he left for this OW? Is he still seeing your DD?

You need to see your GP and they need to provide you with other support if they can't give you medication to help you.

If you see my previous thread, my partner left me a month ago, I was just like you and people said it would get easier etc. I didn't believe them. But it really does. He is with someone else now, but at first all I wanted was my family back, just like you. But you need to understand, and you will at some point, he doesn't deserve you, you are strong, he is the one missing out on watching his DC grow, more fool him!

You will get better, you will get stronger.

I have a my condition that I should've got help for a long time ago and it has caused major issues and I've behaved awfully.

Not sure if I am reading this correctly but was it your behavior that caused the breakdown of your relationship and now he is with someone else? If so that is some quick moving on if you are 15 weeks PG.

Grief for what you have lost is a physical pain as much as an emotional pain but being pregnant will limit what medication you could take anyway. How does he feel about the lo on its way?

Would you both consider some sort of counselling - it may help you but also to help him see that if you have mental health issues then this may explain some of your behaviour and help you both move forward. If he has only got with this new woman since you split it is very early days and if she was OW then sounds like it was not just you bad behavior but his also. Either way you are the only mum that your child has and I say that as a SM who is very close to her step children.

please ask your midwife and or gp about counselling for yourself.

you will get thru this and be strong for you tour ds and new baby.

def get some counselling as a priority, as hard as it seems now to chat - particularly before baby comes along as then you won't have as much opportunity and it might be much harder going into issues as you will have baby stuff to deal with on top...

Also do get the back up you need now, from family, friends etc as far as possible. Can you stay with anyone for a while? It will probably help.

I know what it's like to keep issues locked away in your head; when I had a little one I found it unbearable and it's only now he's two that I have found the headspace to address what I need to [even that's proving hard]. That's why it's important to get the support you need now so it can be in place ready for the new arrival and keep ongoing then.

If your ex is with someone else now, maybe you are better off without him as it doesn't sound like he's been there when you really needed him? If it doesn't work out then you will find someone better for you who is right in time.

Hugs

Thank you for your replies, I have private therapy which helps but it's just that one hour a week you know, it all the rest of the time. It's been 8 weeks and I really thought it would get easier but it's not. The gp knows everything and is monitoring my weight as I haven't felt able to eat much. I only have my parents and they aren't local, they struggle with my mh too.
My poor dd is eating rubbish food, watching tv all day and playing by herself whilst I sit in a mess, I can't carry on like this but I can't see a way out. All I want is a chance to show him I am finally getting the help and not giving up on it and I am not the same person and that we can be happy. I know he would want that but he is so scared of history repressing itself and being back in a cycle.
Dd is the image of him and I can feel myself pulling away from her when she asks for him because it just frustrates me.

as hard as it is when you are depressed and going through a difficult patch is you need to invest time in things you love doing, as each little step is distracting you from your miseries as well as giving you some hope / interest to focus on - is there anything you would really enjoy focussing on, at least for a bit of time each day?

e.g. decorating your house, buy new clothes, get a new haircut, decluttering, spend time with friends, go away for a few days, spoil yourself a bit? Internet shopping for something nice? Get rid of things that remind you of bad times?

Each tiny step might feel a bit silly at the time when you're going through a hard emotional time but it's sooo important.

One thing that really helps me when I'm in a bad place is thoroughly cleaning and moving my furniture around as it gives me a new "start" mentally if you get me. It somehow gets into my brain that things have changed and it's different now and helps me move forward.

Sorry if these seem like silly suggestions, I know how hard it is to get motivated but I really found they made a difference with me. If you can't do something big, do something small like clean out one drawer or buy a new coat!

Make sure you're spending time with friends every day. Go stay with your parents or other relatives for a few days.

Xx

Thank you, not much is enjoyable right now, we have to move and in order for the council to help we have to go through eviction which is grim.
I just can't help but look forward and see us always arguing over contact and there always being what ifs and feelings there making it more difficult. I don't want to share Christmas and birthdays, I don't want my children not to see their dad or talk to him whenever they want to. God I just wish this wasn't happening. X

aww sorry to hear it's so hard; I can empathise.

I split with my ex when my DS was 5 months old; we went through hell as he was depressed and he made my life a misery. I thought he was seeing someone else as he withdrew so much. We argued and argued and had some hideous rows. It was a nightmare! Plus I was left desolate with a toddler and postnatal depression!

I think you're thinking too much ahead. You need to focus on today. Worrying about the future won't change anything. The only thing that will help you is positive planning for the things you can change, and thinking about each day at a time. Whatever you can do to give yourself a break and some enjoyment and taking any positive practical steps you can to make yourself feel a bit more secure.

Maybe do a short course or something?

Also depending on your situation if you're on a low wage or unemployed you should probably be able to get 15 hours a week of free childcare at a local nursery or childminder if your LO is over 2. If this is an option I would recommend you do it if you're not already. It will give her something to do and give you the space to do something nice too (a short course or some relaxation time or even a part time job for a few hours here and there or set up a small business?) XX

2little

I'm sorry you are going through this. A lot of the feelings that you are experiencing will lessen over time. I know it's easier said than done but you can't to anything more to control this situation or mate him come back....please try and channel your energies into what you can change. My ex H left me when DD ( now 7) was 2 and I was a few weeks pregnant with DS ( now nearly 5). It honestly thought it was the end of the world, blamed myself, was so completely fearful of the future.. But as time went on I found being pregnant got me through it. I started looking forward to my baby and started seeing it as a positive rather than something to be fearful of.

Focusing on you, your baby and your DD will bring you closer..like a little unit.

Good luck op. ( ah and don't worry about the crap food, TV ...I did the same. It's not forever)

We went out for the day today all together and I've been crying for 4 hours solid since the journey home, please tell me this is normal?

completely normal if you've recently gone through a difficult breakup (and on top of that are pregnant!)...I cried every day when I was pregnant and hadn't even gone through a break up! Remember your hormones are going mental which is going to add to the feeling of everything being too much as well.

hope you're feeling a bit better. make sure you get some friends over or see some people you're comfortable around. Being around other adults you trust will really make a difference xx

Its a good thing you got out.

You need to try and focus on your daughter even to give yourself a break...Get out , go to chidlren centre, mother and toddler group. It gives you a break from your feelings.

Have you had advise on housing. Be very careful you are not classed as making yourself intentionally homeless.

Was anyone else's ex so angry? He's so angry all the time, if I cry he goes up the wall and starts shouting and swearing in my face aggressively. One minute he wants to be friends and help when the baby comes and the next he wants me to get out of his life and never see him again and he's happy to walk away from dd too. It's important to me that she has a relationship with her dad and I'm trying to facilitate that and plan a progression to her staying over night with him. I just think at the moment she's pretty unsettled and there has and will be a lot of change and we need him to stop threatening to cut all contact and to be introduced to his house and for me to be allowed the address before she goes overnight. I just can't cope with this. He says I want something he doesn't but he's said no about giving things a go and I've left it but he says it will always be there x

Are you really sure all this is your fault?
If he's such a great dad he would never suggest not seeing his child again?
Why is he going out with you all then refusing to see you ever again or threatening too?
Does he say it's all your fault or do you know that because whatever you have done what he is doing now is horrible to your kids whose fault none of this is at all. If it was all you he also wouldnt have shacked up with another woman after 8 weeks would he?
Sounds to me like you need lots of help and support not abuse xx

I'd be very wary of leaving the little one there overnight if he's behaving in that way. He is being abusive (as Timmy points out) and it sounds as though he's putting the blame on you which is very manipulative and scary and can screw your head up. Doesn't sound safe for your DS to stay with him.

I would cut him off for at least the short term while you get your head back together and sort things out. Neither you or the little one should be going through this. It is out of order and you should tell him that you won't tolerate him speaking to you in this way, particularly given how vulnerable you are.

Sounds like you're miles better off without him!!

I'm nervous about cutting him off and being accused of stopping him from seeing dd. I feel pretty firm about her not staying overnight at the moment he's continued to be fairly abusive so I think we've just reached s point now where we don't speak at contact times. He comes tues and thurs and does bath and bed and stays for a bit so I can get out because we can't afford babysitters right now and obviously once baby is born I won't be able to do that. Then he come every other weekend but doesn't stay, so 10- bedtime. He takes her out in the morning and I can go back to bed and then comes back for nap time and I have to go out until bedtime.
He doesn't want me in the new town where he lives, I'm not allowed his address, he refuses to have his phone on or answer when he has her and has form for not returning her and constant threats that she will go and live with him. He changes like the wind, one minute he wants to be friends and be around when the baby is born and the next he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. His idea is to pick dd up on a Friday and return her in a Sunday but I'm just not ready for that yet nor is dd and I'm lucky in so much as he's not in a financial position to take it to court and doesn't qualify for legal aid. I don't want to punish dd and her not see her dad and in none of this sorry mess have i vocalised that to anyone but he continually threatens to totally walk away from all of us and I fell like I'm walking on egg shells incase he does it. It's awful when he turns up and we don't speak and I worry dd will think this is normal.
Anyone got any opinions? I'm happy to hear I'm being unreasonable if I am x

you really do not have to have him in your house. that is asking for trouble and confusing for your child

do not confuse your children's right to see their dad with his right to be in your home - he does not have that right. you have a right to peaceful home without him in it.

he is angry person. dont have him in your house. look at contact centres or libraries/soft play near you. he can see child there.

get other forms of help for you in your home. ask your health visitor.

your children need to know there is dad's house and mummy's house. you should not be forced out of your home to allow him to come and be with dc.
it is up to him to get himself accommodation where he can have your child.

The trouble is I appreciate the bath time help on those 2 evenings and whilst so much change is going on, changes at nursery, daddy leaving, mummy being pregnant and a possible move I don't really want anymore changes and certainly not for her to go to a strange house where I'm not allowed the address so this is how it has to be for now. At least if I'm out I don't get verbally abused. I still question what this new woman sees in a man 17 years older than her with debt, 2 children by 2 different mothers and a 3rd on the way who got into bed with her the day he left or before. Surely she can see he's a liar and a cheat?

Families come in all shapes and sizes. You are still a family, just not the one you thought you were going to be. That isn't a bad thing if being together was driving you both crazy with constant arguments and upset. At least this way your dd can hopefully have 2 happier parents, who can parent her better apart than they could together.

Time is a great healer. But you've had hardly any time for that to happen yet. These things take many months, not days or weeks. Keep pushing for the help you need from your GP and midwife. If they can't give you pills ask what help they can give you. One day you will look back at this time and realise just how strong you were/are. But for now be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve for the relationship that is now gone.

You don't have to send your child to an unknown address. It is perfectly reasonable for you to request and be given the address your dd will be staying at. You wouldn't send her off on a school trip or to a friends, or even for a day out with grandparents without knowing where she was going to be now would you...! If it went to court the judge would be unlikely to think it an unredsonable request for you to know where your child was staying. Keep that in mind and ask him would he be happy if you moved and refused to give him your new address so he didn't know where dd was while with you?

I really don't think any responsible parent would allow their 2 year old child to go off with no clue where they are. Especially if that child was potentially going to be staying away overnight. What if he didn't return her and wasn't contactable? Where would you tell the police to start looking?

Is he insisting you leave your own house while he is there? What's to stop him having the new woman, or anyone else, there without your permission.
It is your home and you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable to be there.
He's not doing you a favour. He's spending time with his dd and you are helping to facilitate that.
If the only way to do that is by him coming to your house, and you are happy with that, then he can't expect you to go out for hours on end. Not least with you being pregnant and needing to take it easy!

So he can't have it all his own way and expect to suddenly go from having dd for a few hours in your house to having her overnight the whole weekend.
And you can't have the help you want without some compromise either. So you need to try and agree contact at his house, but he needs to let you have the address.

Unfortunately you will need to find someone else to help with bath/bedtime, or let him have her overnight if you can't cope every night and need the break.
You might find you can cope with it better if dd has spent an afternoon with your ex before he brings her home anyhow. Is he having the contact at your house at weekends or in the week? How is he fitting it around work?

IMO your dd is a little young to be staying away the whole weekend. At this age contact should be short and frequent building up to an overnight, and eventually every other weekend when she is comfortable and happy with that. Don't be pressurised into doing what he wants. If your dd isn't ready for it then he needs to go at her pace.

Every other weekend by school age is more reasonable. She's only 2 and going through a lot already. She will already be more clingy and regress when the baby arrives. So you want to have a good routine, and agreed contact, in place by then if at all possible. Don't say no outright to overnights, but explain that it is not yet. Once contact at his house is going well you can move to an overnight once a month, then every third week, then every fortnight. Once dd is comfortable with that then move to two overnights. Slow and steady and your dd will get there. So if that's what he wants then he needs to work with you for dd's benefit over this.

Stand up for your dd and yourself. Don't let him bully you into thinking it has to be his way or no way. if he really care about dd and the baby he will put their needs ahead of his own wants and needs. Don't be afraid to remind him of that.

Keep strong. You have a lot to deal with in the coming weeks and months. Take one day at a time and you'll get there.

What are you going to do when you have a newborn ?go out and wander the streets ? It is not sustainable. If you trust him with dd at your house you can trust him with her elsewhere. Children are adaptable. She will be fine.

Thank you gillybean, you make lots of sense. I have no idea how things will be when I have a newborn but am trying to just take things one step at s time at the moment. I really don't want dd to feel she is being shipped off because mummy has a new baby and I know that this woman he is with will be there for any over night contact he has so I think their relationship needs to be more established too. His behaviour is so unstable he says different things on different days depending on his mood and I just feel that dd is too vulnerable and too young to be sucked into that at the moment, he needs to sort his head out. I really feel that I am doing what is best for dd rather than what is best for me and if he chooses to walk away because he can't have what he wants then it really shows how much he does care. I want a progressive contact plan and to be able to communicate as parents. He just wants me to shut up and give him what he wants. Going out at the moment isn't a huge problem, when he does bath time 2 evenings a week I am happy to go and see friends and at the weekend he goes out with dd first and then comes back for nap and I go out, to a cafe with a book :) but once I'm bigger I'm hoping he'll let me stay in so long as I'm in the bedroom, resting or sleeping and don't interfere with his time with dd. we were apart before dd was born and we never ever had issues over contact, so I know the difference is this new woman. His children have always come first before this and nothing was too much trouble. Now all I have is constant threats to stop contact if he doesn't get what he wants. I'm so emotionally exhausted from it, I could sleep for a week!

Is it normal for a man who's done what he has to be so verbally abusive? I guess I thought he'd be remorseful not making things worse. I've lost count of the names I've been called, threats, blackmail, lies, shouting and swearing. Starting to think id be better if he did just totally walk away x