Paternal Grandparents not interested in helping me with ex

[foxymollo]

I have two children, dd4, ds3 and have been alone pretty much since ds was born. Have had so many issues with my ex partner it's untrue but I have always put the needs of my children before my own and tried to ensure they have quality time with both of us.

I found a website that gave great guidance and have tried to follow it's suggestions. Such as ex can collect kids from school (childminder and school nursery) and take them to school too.

The problem I have is my ex lets me down so many times and I can't plan to do things when I'm child free because he cancels.

To be fair we had a war of words over Christmas and he has raised his game, just as I suggested.

But it's holidays, childminder holidays or pre-planned changes he conveniently forgets to make a note of.

I started to send emails to his parents asking for help. This came about after he refused to help me cover my childminder's holiday, despite him having 3 months prior notice.

Anyway for a long time the grandparents ignored my correspondence. But last night, after similar circumstances I had a reply (2.5 years it's taken).

I've been told they are sick of hearing from me, they are not responsible for my childcare and to stop contacting them.

I am polite but don't skirt around the edges and I had hoped they would engage in a conversation, whether they agreed or not.

I was saying if ex can't sort his agreed childcare then he should reach out to them for help, rather than cancelling on me at the 11th hour.

It's not nights out that he has ruined, he is jeopardising my employment and my career. It's so unfair.

Any advice? I'm so upset and angry at the same time.

Yes, give up. You can't make him do it and you need reliable childcare.

So get very reliable childcare and get the stress out of your life by not relying on him.

Obviously he is an awful turd and it's beyond shit that you have to do this

I agree with Laurie. This isn't his parents responsibility, and he's clearly incapable of being relied upon. Take the control back, get the best childcare that you can etc.

Unfortunately it's very clear they aren't going to help. So you're going to have to find a way to manage without relying on ex or his family. Have yu considered nursery so you don't have problems with childminder holidays?

It's totally unrealistic to ask his parents to step up if he won't. It would be nice, but it certainly isn't their responsibility. Obviously, that goes both ways and it isn't your responsibility to facilitate a relationship between them and your dc.

Find better, more reliable childcare. If you can't depend on your ex, stop doing so but again, I would be inclined to check what you should feel obliged to do for him too. Not to get petty but If you are constantly putting yourself out to facilitate his relationship with the dc but he doesn't reciprocate you are going to get more and more resentful.

Stop contacting his parents though.

Thank you. I think at times I have done far too much but I'm getting better.

I just wanted other's thoughts because I feel I've done as much as I possibly can.

Sometimes getting another perspective helps but looks like we are all singing from the same hymn sheet... Sad but true.

I think you have to accept none of them are going to help and plan to be independent.

Is there an after school club or can you tweak your hours a little?

They are getting to the age when you can start to use holiday clubs, our school one takes them from 3. Some will start at 4or5 but these would be a better option to cover holidays. It's more important to protect your employment then anything else. Does your childminder not have armaments with other local childminders to cover some of the time off. Or consider taking some of your holiday at the same time if you can. You just can't rely on them.

remind them it is not your childcare that he is fucking up, he is fucking up his own child care. he is the one responsible for organising it on the agreed dates and he is continuously refusing to.

you cant make them or expect them to do childcare. you can offer a relationship with their grandkids but that isnt childcare unless they offer it.

childcare is hard but as they get older more options kids camps holiday clubs become available also ask the childminder she might know another who can take them when she cannot.

I'm lucky that as they get older this should be less of an issue. My childminder is ace but has holidays and I have to cater for that. The problems arise that I've moved heaven and earth to sort things and then the ex lets me down. I'm trying to ask his parents to help him if he can't commit. I know it's a big ask and if they can't then fine. Just say we can't. But it gets turned round on me, it's my issue and stop bothering us. Very sad, considering I am trying my best to be a lone parent and encourage my ex and his family to have a positive relationship with the kids.

A couple of things if his parents have ignored for years then why are you still continuing to contact them.

You need to find a different way to cover C minders leave. It is usually 4 weeks .

You need to stop fighting for something that isn't going to happen.

It is really hard doing it on your own , however it does get easier as they gets older. I do it on my own with no family. So yes you should be able to rely on him and his family but can't. You have no idea what he is telling them but they are going to take their sons side.

Once you realise they are not there and stop fighting it it does get easier

Could you take all of your holiday to coincide with the CM's? Obviously it is rather restrictive, but it would then be covered.

I'd say that they are probably secretly embarrassed by their son's behaviour, so are almost trying to throw it all back on you - as if you are the one in the wrong for having any expectant

Do they ever see your children?

for having any expectations...

What does the bit about 'I've tried to help you and you're not interested' mean?

They see my children when their dad has them. They don't see them or contact them any other time. I've never stopped them, they made this choice.

I have no idea what 'I've tried to help you but your not interested' is about. Honestly, I don't.

I've only contacted them a handful of times when I have really needed them to speak to my ex. He has put me through some really horrific times (emotional, psychological and financial abuse). And I've reached out to them, in severe desperation.

I made a split second decision to advise them of childcare holidays, didn't actually ask them to do anything but I guess wanted to prevent my ex from using his usual excuse of "don't have those dates written down".

I find it incredibly frustrating that he refuses to help out or (worse) agrees to and then cancels anyway!

I guess I'm slowly accepting I shouldn't even factor him into the equation. Head Vs Heart for me, I never want my kids asking why dad wasn't given the opportunity to be in their lives as much as possible. I have a fantastic relationship with my own father, wanted the same for my kids.

I really feel for you. Horrible people. I would be writing texts back to them telling them what awful people they are to not want to be involved and there for their own grandchild/child.......and then delete them all before sending! They are not worth it and you would just look bad. Not fair though. My parents are very active in childcare looking after d's Mon to wed each week after nursery regardless of whether it is me or my ex who has d's on those days (we have 50/50 Custody on a flexible rota. Not working but that is another story).

We only need to cover them going on hols which they do a fair amount and good on them as they are retired and deserve it. When I asked if my ex's parents would consider looking after d's for a week of my folks hols, they apparently said they would but only on the days that my ex had him, not on my days. Nice. Thankfully my ex knows how lucky we have childcare from my folks and had a stern word with his parents. They ended up taking d's away for the full week, which was a bit of an issue with me but couldn't really make waves there.

I agree try to find your own childcare but very difficult. What if you restricted access to you ex until he pulls his socks up. Or if you don't want to do that as It could be inflammatory, remind him constantly by texts about the dates confirming he is aware and hasn't forgotten. Will make it harder for him to turn round on the day and say he forgot or didn't have a note of the dates?

It's really hard isn't it. My childminder is brill and does the school run so it allows my children to go to preschool. When she has holidays my parents cover. But sometimes it's not fair and I've asked my ex's parents for help. They don't even respond.

At least your ex had a stern word with his family. That's something that would never happen here!

It is obviously hard, but I think you really need to disengage. Three years on, you shouldn't be so emotionally involved. What's done is done. I think it would really help you to stop having any expectations from him. Leave it up to him to arrange contact. He is not going to be like your father. The kids will understand that you did all you could.

If you can't make it work job wise where you are, maybe you need to think seriously about moving to somewhere with more childcare options.

As to it not being fair, it isn't. But don't let it blight your life.