do you get help from your mum ?

[cath28]

just wondering how other people work out arrangements with their mums if a) they're alive (!) , b) live nearby and c) are willing in theory to be of some practical help with the kids?

my mum lives 10 minutes away from me but we dont' get on very well at all. she really doesn't 'approve' of me or what she terms my 'lifestyle' (for that just read single mother lol), if it was down to me i wouldn't see her much, but she does adore my dd (4 in jan) and with my 2nd baby due in march my mum is bound to feature in my life for some time to come as i am bound to need her help.

when dd was younger she used to do more; now she tells everyone she 'helps' a lot but actually doesn't do that much. i know she loves us and does want to help but it is hard because we just don't get on very well!

with dd, she won't play by my rules, re mealtimes and bedtime etc.. so when she tries to have dd to stay, dd wont' settle down to sleep for her with the result that they both get really stressed and overtired. it is a shame because with dd's father living about 300 miles away, i could really do with an overnight break every now and again so i could sleep, with the pregnancy i am getting so tired. if i suggest this to mum i think she thinks i'm lazy or something! she says 'i never had a lie in' etc.. it's hard to explain how different it is being a single mum to being with a dh !!

just wondered whether anyone had any useful suggestions for how to agree on the amount / type of help their mum gives .. i guess if you have a somewhat strained relationship you'll know what i'm on about.. sorry this isn't more clear but any thoughts v welcome !! i really want to get a better setup sorted before the dbaby arrives..

What you are asking seems fair enough to me. My parents (who are divorced) have my dd overnight sometimes. Although it is nice to go out, often it is just as nice (or nicer) to have a lie-in!

My mum often keeps dd up a bit late to facilitate a lie-in for herself but I think usually her dp gets up with her!

I don't really know what to advise. Could you go round with your dd and get her to bed at your mums and then go out/go back to yours to sleep? Would your mum be happy with that?

My mum doesn't help because 1- she's a selfish old bat and 2- she lives in another country. And thos two facts are not unrelated.

The way I see it, if you gave her some guidance on a routine and she couldn't bother to follow it, than it's her own bloomin' fault if she didn't get any sleep.

I have a DH, but I definately can see it would be harder without one. I take my hat off to you.

thanx LittleScarer - tis a good idea but alas i tried it already and my mum just hovered around in the background and we ended up having a huge row! might try again though, insist she goes out till 8 or something.. she doesn't mind the mornings so it's theoretically the solution! Boowila thank you for making me chuckle; mothers huh?!

I am v v lucky

I work 3 days a week:-
my parents pick kids up from school/nursery every thurs so I can work later
they have them every time I have a drs appointment/solicitors/hair appointment (but I try to make those on weekends my ex has the kids)
they babysit if they can - but again I try not to ask too often
they will have them overnight
they did hand over with my ex for 3 months cos they were worried about how upset I was getting after he left

I also have fantastic inlaws who will come down & stay with me for the weekend & let me go out Friday AND Saturday night - even staying out they dont ask!!! and have asked if they can take me & the kids abroad next yr

I am v v lucky and realise this

just as well as ex has moved 3 hrs drive away from us so cant help at all

sounds a bit gloaty - didnt mean it to be

just answering the question and showing that some parents - even inlaws when their son has been a sh#t are good

Hiya Migs! How are you? (Boowila=Uwila)

mostly good thanks

just about to start the money side of divorce so dreading that....

hows you?

yeah mistressmiggins you're really lucky .. i find i build up this fantasy imagine of what my ideal support network would be and .. you've got most of it! lol

I have long ago given up on the idea that my mother is amenable to reason, or will ever do anything with my children that I find reasonable or sensible. Yes she loves them very much, is very willing to help, will babysit whenever I ask her to (and that means an hour journey on a train). All of which I am very grateful for. But she will do it her way.

And beggars can't be choosers. She sometimes irritates the hell out of me, but most of the time I mentally treat her the way many women treat their ex husbands - they accept that while the children are in his care, they will not go to bed at a sensible time, they will be fed crap, they will be indulged and encounter no boundaries, all the values you are trying to instill will be undermined and they will be a nightmare to deal with for two days after their contact visit.

But for that price, I occasionally get a break. And if I didn't get an occasional break, I would be less likely to remain sane, so I figure that high as the price is, I'm just about prepared to pay it.

I think it becomes easier psychologically to pay the price, if you realise you don't really have that much choice or control over it.

come over here and chat with me, MistressMiggins

Totally agree with caligula-- I have the same approach to my ex-MIL who is a witch if there ever was one.
My mother however is lovely and would be v hands on. Alas she lives 300 miles away

thanks for all your posts on this topic, it's all v interesting. i had a productive chat with my mum today and we decided to lay down some new 'groundrules' which hopefully will stop us arguing so much and will make life a bit easier. god knows if it will work but worth a shot