recent split, no idea about access

[trekkiemom]

I've recently split with my ds dad, he's not on the birth certificate and has never had him by himself at all. When we were together he would only come round and see us on Sat evening through to the Sunday morning before leaving and wouldn't come round if ill or had fishing conpetitions. He has another child from a previous relationship that he doesn't see at all. Since the split he's asked if he can have ds every other weekend on his weekend off, I'm unsure about him having ds for the weekend since ds gets very anxious (crying screaming most of the night) if he's not at home in his own bed and has only ever stayed anywhere else ie on holiday for the night with me.

I'm unsure what to do as I never had to deal with this with my oldest, any suggestions would b most welcome, plus unsure what would happen if he refused to bring back ds since he has no pr?

Also I occasionally go away at weekends to see family and while we were together would take the kids with Me, now apart I wouldn't feel happy going anywhere without ds , which is fine if it's not on his weekend but if it was a celebration ie birthday on his weekend and ds is invited what can I do?

A bit of a ramble I know but new to all this

I'm not sure of the legal implications of him not being on the birth certificate, but given what you've said (Ds being anxious, ex never having had him on his own), I'd have thought it would be best to continue allowing contact on your terms and then if in time their relationship is stronger as a result, and you are confident Ds would be well looked after, that might be the time to consider letting him have Ds overnight.

The problem I have is at the moment he is very angry at me at the moment and yesterday when we spoke he started having a go at me about my friend saying if I was to go out with him he'd get knocked out, the said ill c ds if u let me and hung up on me. While he's like this I don't feel it's in my ds best interest to have anything to do with him at present as I don't know what he would do

Hmm, yes he sounds quite unstable. How come he's not in the birth certificate? I'd imagine you could stop him seeing Ds at all if he's not on the birth certificate, depends on what you think is right for your son I suppose. Mayve you should post again in 'legal matters' as I'm sure you could get some better advice there? Good luck, must be stressful x

Hes not on the birth certificate because he never came with me to register the birth. Apparently he wants to talk without arguing but we shall see......

How old is your ds2?
I assume he is quite young from what you say.
Also where does your ex live (ie with his parents, house share, own place with a spare room)? Is it nearby?

Given that your ds is not used to staying away and is anxious, then you should start by building contact up gradually (depending on his age).

Maybe his dad could take him out of a few hours, to the park, library, macdonalds or something. As he gets used to spending time with his dad then contact can progress to one over night, then build up two.

If you don't believe your ds2 will cope, and it is not in his best interests to go straight to every other weekend contact then instead make suggestions for contact and see what your ex says. If he wants to see ds2 then hopefully he will agree to regular contact with a view to increasing it as ds gets older and more confident.

Btw if your ex went to court he would likely be granted parental responsibility fairly easily even if he is not on the birth certificate. You'd have to show why it wasn't in the best interests of your ds2 not to have this.