How to deal with this.

[rivershine]

I have two dd and have been divorced for 7 years. My ex-husband sees them twice a week and his his influence particularly on my eldest (nearly 10) dd is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. He has always undermined me and my parenting at every opportunity. I tried to limit sweet treats- he showered them with them, to the extent that they vomited/ had upset tummies; I encouraged them to have nice table manners, he encouraged them to eat with their mouths open, mimicking me etc. There have been many other issues.
Whenever I speak to him, it only seems to make him more intent on causing trouble. Recently he has been encouraging my eldest to wear make-up which he has bought for her (eye-liner and mascara), cropped tops with her mid-drift showing, has shown her a 15-certificate trailer on you-tube, encouraged her to have a boyfriend at school, constantly criticises me to her, etc. All things he knows I don't like.
Today she has come home after seeing him announcing she wants to have a studded dog-collar for her birthday and he has looked them up on the internet with her.
I am worn out with her bad behaviour at home and constantly having to deal with his influence in the background. I am at a loss with what to do with the latest revelations. What father would want their 9-year old daughter behaving in such a way? If I speak to him, he always says I am just criticising him and he is just letting them have 'fun' and 'freedom'.

River..didn't want to read and say nothing but what a difficult situation. Do you feel his actions are to wind you up or is he really this irresponsible and thinks this is what a good parent does?

I feel it's quite abusive whatever the reason. Would you limit contact? I'm not sure how you can proceed to be honest. If you talk to him clearly that's not going to work but if you limit contact are you going to risk alienating your dd and end up in court? Sorry not much help. Someone better will be along I hope.

How is she at school ? Any concerns ?

I think you need to not show your disapproval at all on any level as he is doing it to get a reaction. Comes home with inappropriate clothing, smile sweetly take a photo of her wearing it for her to take back and show Daddy type of thing.

Meanwhile you need to keep an eye on your DD. He really is being very abusive to use her like this.

Beyond that I'm at a loss. I would certainly say absolutely nothing at all to either of them for several months and see how that affects his behaviour - does he up the anti or does he get bored because you're not reacting?

She's really bright and doing well at school so far. Her attitude at home is becoming increasingly negative though so I'm concerned it will begin to affect her at school. I've spoken to the teacher about her behaviour, but it's fine there. She's taken up with a crowd that doesn't value working hard though which her father is encouraging.
A couple of years ago I did try to limit his contact as it was so negative- lots of inappropriate conversations with her about the divorce etc., using her as his confidante and she used to come back extremely angry and upset. He took me to court, supported by his parents. It's difficult to explain lots of 'subtle' behaviour. We ended up settling without a contact order as I didn't want it set in steel.
I do feel his behaviour is to get back at me and he is using the children to do so.