DD not wanting to go to her dad's - heartbroken :(

[Prforone]

My 10yo DD goes to her dad's every other weekend, Friday evening 'til Sunday evening. This weekend is her scheduled weekend to go. Yesterday evening she broke down in tears, saying she doesn't want to go as it's boring, she misses me and her dad doesn't actually "do" anything with her.

Quick back story - her dad left when she was 12 weeks old so she has never been aware of mum and dad living together. She used to go to him every weekend - one week Saturday through to Sunday and the next Sunday only. From about the ago of 5, she also went to him one night midweek. This was the case right up until about 18 months ago, when ExH suddenly announced he would no longer honour this commitment as it was "no longer practical". (This nicely coincided with when he met his new girlfriend, though he denied this had anything to do with it).

He moved in with his girlfriend about 6 months ago and rented his own house out. This resulted in him bringing all of DD's belongings from his house back to mine - as there was apparently no room at his girlfriend's house for it. We're not talking mountains of stuff - just some clothes, teddies, a few toys and knick-knacks.

Now when she goes to her dad's new home, there's no bedroom for her so she has to sleep on the floor in the girlfriend's 5yo daughter's room. DD was told they'd be buying a bunk bed for the pair of them ages ago but this hasn't materialised yet.

The past few weekends she's gone there, ExH has picked her up on the Friday evening, dropped her off to the girlfriend and then gone out with his mates. Last time she was there, not only did that happen but on the Saturday he went off for the day to help a mate build some cupboards(?).

I'm all for DD getting some bonding time with her new stepmum but her dad doesn't seem to appreciate the time he gets to spend with his daughter. He no longer attends parents' evenings, sports days, dance shows, nothing

I can't say I'm surprised she doesn't want to go there as it doesn't sound very welcoming. I know I'm only hearing her side of the story on a lot of these issues but I tend to believe her as, a little while ago, she wanted to pop round there one evening to pick up a DVD they'd "kindly" let her keep at their house. She texted her dad to say she'd like to get it but got no response. We drove round there (they live just round the corner). Both their cars were outside and the lights were on but when she knocked they ignored her. She came back to the car in tears saying they wouldn't answer. We saw movement in the house (lights going on and off and movement past the windows) so she went and knocked again and this time her dad came to the door with the DVD, pretty much said "There you go", the shut the door again.

Following DD's tears last night, I said she would need to phone her dad about this coming. She did, and said she didn't want to come round this weekend as she'd rather spend time with me. He just said "Okay".

I'm heartbroken because I really don't want her to lose her relationship with her dad but he really doesn't seem that bothered now he has his new "family". It wouldn't be so bad if he'd always been like this (well, obviously it would, but you know what I mean) but to go from having quality time with her dad to virtually nothing over the past year-and-a-half is breaking her heart too.

I don't know what putting all this on here will achieve; I fully expect people to say I just need to deal with it. But it hurts that he's disregarding her in this way

all you can do is support your dd.

stop being heartbroken and focus on doing things with dd that will boost her confidence and self esteem - arrange different things, start a hobby in weekends maybe she couldn't commit to one before because of her weekends with dad? swimming trampolining horse riding?

yeh it's sad. yeh it's hard. but you cannot make her dad do anything else.

but you can now focus on other things in her life and dont try to force the relationship, really it's up to her dad. he has made this choice. all you can do is support dd and create a better life for her without her dad in it. one in which if her dad re appears fine but she wont be sitting around waiting for him.

if it's upsetting her get counselling for her. she has lost her dad, like a bereavement. but you can help her to see positive side, get on with her life. does she have uncles or other people on your side who can be male role models?

He may think it's a one off weekend thing just for this week and not realise there is an ongoing issue that needs to be resolved.

Is your dd able to explain any of this to her dad? Maybe you could ask him to come round and discuss it with her, or meet somewhere nutral.
Or if she can't explain to him are you able to explain to him how she is feeling?

Unfortunately your dd is at an age now where she starts to realise that she's not her dad's priority. Because of his new partner and her child she now has to share him and that can be difficult.

If you were able to explain to him that dd is bored, no longer has her own space/toys/belongings and really just wants him to make some time just for them maybe he will listen. Then again maybe he won't.

But if you don't give him the chance, and the information needed for him to understand then he's unlikely to do anything different or understand how your dd feels about it.

I understand what you're saying, Gilly, but both and I and DD have tried to talk to him previously and it falls on deaf ears. He actually said to DD last time she tried to tell him she felt left out that he deserved to have a life! She never said he didn't - just that she'd like to be part of it!

He has 12 days out of every fourteen to "have a life" without a duty to his daughter, for God's sake!

Well it sounds like there's not much to be done then. It's a shame because he will likely regret it in the future. But it will be too late by then.
All you can do is be there for your dd and help her through this.
Maybe she can write down how she feels and then you can decide together whether to pass that on to her dad, or not to bother.
Just being able to voice how she feels about it all may help her deal with her feelings.

Tell your dd, that her dad is acting like a tosser, and that it is NOT HER FAULT, or anything to do with her or her behaviour that he is acting like this. That she doesnt have to go if she doesnt want to, and any time she needs to talk about it or let off steam, that youre happy to listen, and she is old enough to decide how much she wants to go there x