I have lost all control :(

[ggg123]

Looking for some much needed advice please :)

I am a single mum to 2 girls 9 and 7. I am having issues with my 7 year old going to bed and also my 9 year old will not eat healthy. Its no excuse but when my husband left our whole world changed and its been a rollacoaster and routine kinda went out the window. I know its my fault but I struggled to juggle college, work, childcare and home life. It was a financial worry too. I struggled to keep our home and having no family support I actually think I was just on autopilot for the first year. It was easier to stay with my 7 year old until she fell asleep but now I'm in the room with her until 10.30 some nights and I'm not getting 5 minutes to myself. I allowed my 9 year old daughter to leave her food as she said she did not like it but then snack (she is now over weight). My 9 year old is very emotional and I find her very hard work. I'm constantly shouting as they won't listen and then I feel guilty. They re both really busy kids and need entertaining constantly. Every day they ask what are we doing today, where are we going. I come home from work and its just busy busy busy. I'm writing this thinking I know I sound a little bit rubbish but I'm really not looking for anyone to tell me how I have made wrong choices I'm actually desperate for some advice to turn it all around as I'm struggling to gain control and find a routine. I'm shattered! I just need some supportive advice please as every day I feel anxious as I feel I no longer have control and just don't have the strength to find it :(

I'm sorry to hear your going through this. Your two DDs sound like mine rolled into 1. She gained weight and her bedtime routine went to hell in a handbasket after her Dad left, and it backslides every time he lets her down.

I sat down with DD, and we set up a daily routine together, obviously veto'd anything completely unlrealistic, but we agreed on 8pm as a bedtime (rather than her 9pm idea or my 7.30pm wishful thinking...), and because it's not all me shoving rules in her face she's stuck to it a lot better, since it's "her" rules too.

Food has been a long battle, but persistance! If there's anything you know she's prone to going OTT with don't buy it in. And set mealtimes has helped us. My DD used to refuse food saying she "wasn't hungry"... which soon stopped when I stopped pudding if she didn't at least try the food...

I hope some of that can help, even just knowing you're not the only one in that same boat. Good luck xxx

Thankyou yanniwoo :)

Yes definitely makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone. Its a lonely world sometimes as a single parent.
I was thinking maybe I have got to stop buying it and if she doesn't eat her tea do not offer an alternative. Then tackle the bed time too. I just feel like the mean guy at the moment. I need to find the strength too!
Glad your routine is going to plan :)

You're welcome ggg,

Yep, it can be a really lonely world, especially when kids are being difficult. We will be the mean guy, as we're good cop and bad cop rolled into one. Is there anything you can change to make bedtime more exciting? New bedding, re-arranging the room, maybe a reward system, so that if they're in bed at the proper time on school nights they can have a late night treat on fri/sat nights (this one has worked well with us!)

Thanks, I won't lie and say that getting into the routine has been easy, but once it's done it's made life easier xx

That is true.
I have agreed to completely rearrange rooms but it doesn't seem that exciting to them but it is something I need to do anyway.
I have promised them a girly shop but I know they are so used to me giving in they don't seem to be taking it too seriously and then Im thinking Im gonna need to clothes shop for new summer clothes regardless so Im trying to think of something else. I usually let them have a film and treat night on weekends anyway. This is something I look forward to after a long week and just want to be good cop for the night, its sooooo lovely to have no problems and everyone is happy but maybe I should start thinking this is only going to happen if they're good through the week.. the more I am writing I know I need to be stronger, its so hard though :( but like yourself it has made life easier in the long run :)

Do you know reading your post , you have come to a point where you realise no more.

I was going to suggest family rules that work for all of you. Personally I eat far too many crisps is they are in the house so I stopped buying them except a packet each once a week on a shopping day.

One thing I have learned in the past year is to slow down. We can have a nice time at home playing a game.

I think you need to give them time to play on their own....My Ds was dreadful as a toddler , He isn't great now but much better.

Also re bed time... I have bedtime is 7pm but if you get ready for bed quickly you can read till 7.30. It calms him down and makes him rush to bed when if he messed about it would still probably be 7.30.

Hope some of this is helpful to you

Thanks Starlightbright1 :)
Yes definitely helps :) I feel alone sometimes and mumsnet has always helped me feel so much better so thankyou lovely ladies :)

I do need to slow down, literally! Its manic and I long for a nice organised and chilled routine but my with my job its hard to be as I am a regional outreach worker and could be absolutely anywhere going absolutely anywhere. I come home and its tea, clubs, homework, washing etc etc. Some days Im on a roll others Im exhausted. Hence the lack of strict rules. I have also been studying for the last 3 years (to hopefully do a degree one day... hmmm dreaming) but haven't been the last 6 months but still struggle as my new job is quite demanding. Im not sure if I know how to slow down or even if its possible. I sometimes feel so guilty as my time is taken up elsewhere. I think if only I had someone to share the load and I could have more time. I also have an older daughter who doesn't live at home and although she is very independent I still want to find time to spend with her. Sorry I feel like Im so negative and I don't want to be.

Im definitely going to stop buying it so if its not in the house its not there to be eaten. The bed time is tough as there is absolutely no reasoning with her anymore. She refuses and comes out of her room. I know she sounds spoilt but she is such a good girl with everything else. Im not sure what my next step is :( I will see what tonight brings :)

I think your daughter...You are going to have to step backwards...Does she still read to you? do reading in bed.. If you are in her room for 2 hours. Offer to stay for one hour no longer. If its an hour half an hour.

I did this with my Ds when he was a pre school. I found he was fighting sleep so it was making matters worse.

You have a choice then in my opinion..Reward or consequence but you need to stick to it don't threaten something you are not going to follow through on.

Re bedtimes, could your DD share a room?
I have DSs who are 10 and 7 and they enjoy sharing and it takes some of the pressure off me.
Also re food, why not try and do a menu plan together and shop or cook together so they feel they have some control.
I think they key may be to make them feel part of your home life together rather than that you run it and have to resort to shouting to get them to obey you.
This is excellent (recommended on here)
www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Apart-Separated-Divorced-Parents/dp/0091939836

I was looking forward to when my children were that age and I can remember that in some ways, it was one of the hardest! You are doing a great job and you sound like alovely mum. You're doing the hardest job in the world.

No one else can be the parent of your child.

On the food front: we are constantly bombarded with messages about food and so are our children. Try to just give them the food that is healthy for them. If they are small for their age, 'unhealthy' food is vital for them, especially at that age. There is no bad foid, just too much or too little. (That probably seems obvious to do everyone else, but wish someone had told me it every day when my DCs were younger!)

Also it is ok to not control your children. Self control is good to hang onto, but we have to ket control of our children go and give them a chance to learn and grow. You can't control what they wat or their sleep patterns. Don't try. Guide, provide what they need and be a good example, and tons of encouragement, but dont feel guilty if they try out some of the other ways of doing for it nonow and then.

Starlightbright1... yeah she reads to me and I to her. Going to try this tonight. I have just done a magic bubble bath for her and waiting for them both to come home from clubs.

Pannacotta... my 9 year old had issues going to bed about a year ago and now she wont sleep anywhere but in her bed in her room I think she sometimes feels anxious but controls it better. So that wouldnt work but I am in the process of re-organising and decorating for them so hopefully this will help. I am definitely going to get that book. Their dad has no input what so ever. From school work to out of school activities to homework, not interested. My 9 year old is having problems with a few in her class at the moment and I tried to talk to him again today about it after I had spoken to her teacher. I would like a bit of support so I can give one to one support but he just wont help. Regarding the book though its still got to be a good read for me though?
PeaceOfWildThings ... thankyou :) Never looked at it like this before. You are right about control and not controlling everything as all kids are different but I guess what Im saying is I need rules and boundaries otherwise they will choose otherwise. Im trying to gain somewhat control for an easier routine, a less stressful, less anxious household. I know nobody can be a parent to them other than me :) and I know its up to me to find the strength, no excuses. Just find it hard sometimes. Its just nice to know I have you guys for support and not feel completely alone.
Thankyou all :)