how to I rebuild my life

[kikki]

My husband and I are not yet divorced but we have been separated for over 2 years on and off.

I do not want to get divorced as I still love him but he no longer loves me or his son.

I just can't seem to rebuild my life. I have no family or good friends. I have no social life and am not working at the moment.

I feel very angry that he is out there enjoying life and although I have invested a lot of time and money in our marriage I have nothing left and feel very isolated and lonely.

I have no confidence left. He has eroded the little self esteem I had before the relationship and I just do not feel good enough.
The closest friend I had told me that I was boring and depressed all the time and never did anything fun. I have no where to go, no one to go with and no one to look after my son. I just don't know how I can break the cycle.

You know the first thing I did, when i felt that my whole world was falling apart, stupdily enough I went and had a manicure/pedicure and had my hair coloured and styled. This made me feel far better about myself. You need to get your husband to have his son for a while and you need to go out with this closest friend and window shop/ have lunch / go for a drink. Don't let him drag you down like this. You're worth so much more. We all are. I keep telling myself my mantra - you're worth a million of him and you're gorgeous. okay so it's silly and simple but it does start. Doing the little things first. Time for you to chill out. You're not alone and don't ever think that.

Have you thought about counselling ? Someone neutral to talk it through in order to help you make sense of what has happened?

So sorry you feel so isolated--how old is your son?

I'm so sorry Kikki

Parts of your original post could have been written by me. I know it doesn't really help, but please know that you are not alone - there are several MNers in similar situations. Just knowing that and 'listening' to what they had to say, helped me and made me feel slightly less alone. I too am a SAHM with a few friends but no-one really understands. My family are 4000 miles away and my H has moved out. So, I really empathise. It's horrible.

All I can say is that, much as I don't want to get divorced, beginning the process has really helped. I feel like I am putting that part of my life behind me and trying to build something new. Of course, I'd rather have the happy marriage I thought I had but, seeing as that's not possible, all I can do is make sure that ds & I are ok.

Does your ds see his father now? Or the woman?

I really think you need to get a) some legal advice and b) talk to your gp about some counselling.

I'm sorry I can't offer any good advice or do anything to help. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. but

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have posted on your other Visa thread

Oh yes, I forgot to mention what Essbee said - you need to contact Social Services too. Please.

Thank you for your advice. I forgot to mention that my son is absolutely fine and now and very well adjusted. He is almost four and he has not been around his father without me being there since he was one and a half.
Social services have assessed me and my son and concluded that we were fine. What I find farsical is that they have never contacted his father or assessed him or his home environment, despite him being the cause of all of this. It seems pretty pointless to me. It is my job as his mother to protect him yet if I go to court and say that I do not want him to have any contact with his father they will say that it is better that he sees his father. I have been to a solicitor and she has told me that unless he does something really bad the judge will always say that it is in the best interests of the child to see him. I don't know what they mean by 'really bad', considering he has beaten me up several times and on one occasion witnessed by our son and despite the fact that there were several witness to the assault as it took place outside, only one person called the police who said that(even though I had ripped clothes and scratches and bruises everywhere) I was wasting their time and it was just a 'domestic'. I was advised to call the police again and press charges against him and he was arrested. The police only bothered to interview one witness and the crown prosecution said there was not enough evidence to proceed. The invesigating officer then told me that my husband was "very charming". My son and I ended up living in a women's refuge, leaving behind my home, my job, my son's nursery and everything familiar to us. This man would not be able to live in Britain if I hadn't married him when I did as he only had 6 months to stay here before had to return to Jamaica. I guess he would have found another victim if it wasn't me. Now he is free to work and free not to pay maintenance, obtained a council flat of his own, drives a car that I bought for him and leads a happy life far from the one of poverty he left in Jamaica. The police are not interested, the social services are not interested, the CSA cannot do anything, the Home Office is not interested. I find it shocking that he is allowed to cause so much destruction and get away scot free. My crooked broken nose is a constant reminder.
I honestly feel that the only way I can move on, is to flee this country and go to the States where I have alot of aunts and uncles and cousins for support. He is forcing me to flee my country, the one that I was born and raised in because it offers me no protection against him. I live daily, scared of him and what he may do and yet if I take my son to live in another country, I could be chased by interpol or if I returned to the U.K. arrested for kidnap. Don't you think it would be far easier for the authorities to ask him to return to his homeland? All I can say is, that I have never met anyone that is so wicked as he is, not only to me that has only ever be a good, loyal wife to him but to his son. That he is indifferent about seeing.

goodness kikki, you are in a difficult situation.
I also had this long partial separation, and it is very hard. You really need a complete split, put your marriage behind you and rebuild your life.

There is no medicine to stop feeling bitter, you just have to improve your own life. You were courageous enough to get married and give it all you had. It didnt work, that is nothing to feel bad about. Put it behind you and concentrate on yourself and your son. I am a lone parent to 4 children. It is not as hard as it was in the seventies, I think. With one child, it is realistic to keep working and be able to afford childcare costs. And the chances are that you will meet someone else one day.

As for your ex, well the mills of God grind slowly.... the car you bought wont last for ever. He wont be able to go through life telling lies for ever.

Am outraged and disgusted on your behalf about the lack of response to his violence. This is nothing unusual, ime. "just a domestic" dont they know that women live in constant fear??
It is certainly true in the UK that bullies can get away with what they like against members of their family, becase the chances of prosecution are so low

Does time heal all the hurt or does the anger and bitterness fester forever?

awwww kiki - sending you a hug - too tired to post tonight but will post properly tomorrow - just know you're not alone. at least on MN there will be plenty of support for a start.