Exp wanting access - no parental rights

[Homepride1]

Exdp is not on dd birth cert, his choice as he didn't bother showing!

Dd is 6 months and he is getting arsey about contact and maintanance, at the moment I have fine out my way to give him access at my house every Saturday 8am-8pm I do this because I can not trust him to have dd alone! One of the main reasons we split was because if his drinking!

If he goes to court to get parental rights/ overnight access what are my chances of making sure this doesn't happen? As I do not believe it's in my dd best intrestes, so far at 5 weeks old age she was in hospital with large bump to head after he tipped pram down concrete steps, he has left her unattended in bath 3 times that I know of, argued with me when drunk as I wouldn't allow him to carry her upstairs and I also have a email from him when I was pregnant admitting he was a alcoholic and drink drives! I can not allow my dd to go off for weekend with him because if these reasons!

I know all this is really only I issue if he went through the courts and to be honest I'm not really sure he would bother or care enough to spend the money (not sure how much this would even cost him)

He gas a totally crap relationship with his 11 year old son and barely sees him, his son can barely be bothered with him and he constantly let's him down and doesn't stick to his access days ect!

I am being as reasonable as I can and given him as much supervised access as he wants so if it goes to court I can show that I am not trying to stop all access just unsupervised and other than the email all else I have is a diary detailing anything like the bath incidents as advised to do by my health visitor!

Has anyone been in this situation or can offer any advice as I'm getting myself upset and stressed at the thought that I might have to out my baby in a car with him and send her off for the weekend

Have social services been involved at all regarding the incident with the pram? Has there ever been any police reports etc?

Your ex would need to be granted parental rights before even attempting to try to take you to court for access which I believe costs £215. Do you think that he would be happy to pay this?

Parental rights do not automatically give the parent the right to access.

I may be worth looking into using a contact centre for future visits especially if you have concerns over his behaviour.

No social services involvement.

Surely the £215 is he cost if it's straight forward and both parties agree surely if I contested that would bump the price up massively.

Ahhhh ok didn't realise a contact centre was a option at this stage how would I find out about local ones?

www.naccc.org.uk

the fact you allowing him to come into your home and spend 12 hours with dd seems to show you absolutely fine about having him around you and her though. it gives mixed messages to the outside.

Thank you for the link!

It's more that if I allow him to come to the house then at least I know where she is and that she is safe if you see what I mean.

Really what I would like to do is stop all contact but I'm trying to remain reasonable so at least if it ever went to court (if he went for parental rights/access) I could show that I am being reasonable by letting him have access just not unsupervised

what happens when it is nice weather and he asks to take bay out will you go with them?

supervising 0800 to 8 pm every Saturday following him around everywhere is not really going to work is it?

at some point he will suggest he takes her off for a walk etc - unless you have good reason to refuse you will have to say yes wont you?

if he does get drunk and aggressive call police - is it your house only ?
does he have a key?

how did the leaving her in bath unattended happen?

he left her in the bath three time unattended?
I would not even be letting him in again.
BTW there are no such things as 'parental rights' only 'responsibilities' which he is obviously not capable of.
If I were you I would make the most of this situation of him not being on the birth lines, and kick his sorry azz out for good.

The "bath" happened because he went up to bathe her and get ready for bed! After it happened the first time I was on my guard and last weekend when he went up I made myself busy down bottom of stairs so could keep ear out! When he appeared at top of stairs I firmly told him he was NOT to leave her and sent him immediately back in, I then took washing up so I would be upstairs to supervise and that's when I found him in the bedroom, I didn't leave then and stayed!

I'm going to call my heathvisitor again tomorrow and she what she advises, but think I will cut contact to a hour or two only! Like I say I wS trying to appear reasonable and show that I'm not being nasty by stopping contact but it needs to be supervised for her safety! In fairness he will bring no value at all to her life, he doesn't to his sons so she would prob be better off with no contact!

One thing I keep hearing on these boards is that it's not the parents who have rights, but the children. She has the right to see him, but he doesn't automatically have the right to see her. It's more complex than that, of course, but that's the starting point: once you look at it from that perspective, you'll realise you've been more than reasonable.

Ring NSPCC and Womens Aid for advice. No offence to your health visitor, but if she knows the general situation but didnt herself suggest access centres, there may be gaps in her knowledge. Doesn't make her bad or etc, but you need to get very smart very soon, so make a study of it.

Best of luck.

pedantmarina thank you wouldn't even of occurred to me to call the NSPCC or Women's Aid i will get in touch with both of them, what will they do? Will it just be a log incase everything kicks off and he try for access in court?

It was my HV who mentioned access could be supervised I was actually passed onto her after first speaking to another HV because they felt she was better quilified

I thought I count centre would come later after court! Looked at the link provided and can also self refer to my local one so will give them a call also

Ok, I hadn't quite worked that out, and apols to your HV! Still, basic concept of "do loads of learning" remains.

I think NSPCC and Womens Aid can keep a log if you want them to, but I'm not sure - others will know this better.

And don't feel embarrassed that that's what you're asking (in addition to more general support). Ditto HVs, police and other agencies. We live in an increasingly court-driven society, and it's a sad reality that you have to be untrusting, even businesslike, in your dealings.

Bottom line: you're protecting your child. There can be no more noble endeavour.

A few things..Firstly..You can self Refer..My sols referred us to contact center for my Ex... His mum was also there as he was so incapable of caring for our son which was something I agreed to.

You can stop contact as it is a safety issue. I would definitely make sure he leaves before bath time as he has demonstrated he is unable to supervise you child in this situation.

Other than bathing..Do you have other concerns in the way he cares for his daughter. I moved ex onto soft play after contact centre as they are not considered long term..This meant it was 2 hours I dropped off and collected , due to lots of dangerous driving I never wanted Ds in a car with Ex.

Yes I have concerns about his drinking! He admitted in email whilst pregnant that he is a alcoholic and drink drives! He is just totally incapable which is why I don't think any weekend/overnight access is a option.

Did your ex go through the courts for access? Mine is currently demanding that he wants dd every other weekend! I'm hoping the email, the log of the examples of his drinking, the fact he dropped her down concerte steps at 5 weeks old and the bath incidents will be enough to make sure no court ever allows him this ?

it's not enough really - babies have accidents. it was one incident.

he left her unattended, you told him presumably now he has learned lesson? tho you could ask hv if there is any basic parenting course. not everyone knows how to be a parent. sometimes common sense things have to be learned.

so far you have him admitting in an email to drink driving few months back. (But no hard evidence eg being stopped by police etc)

he has left her in bath when you also in house - he might say "oh but i thought homepride was there". his word against yours.

looking from outside, you let him come into your home for 12 hours on a saturday so it doesnt look like you have any concerns about his behavior towards you.

so right now, you dont have anything concrete. how does he present to hv to others? charming nice reasonable? or not?

but if having him in your home makes you uncomfortable then stop it happening.
if he gets cross/aggressive, call police,
if he is drunk and in a car and you know, call police and give the car registration .

being incapable, hmm because he wants to be so or appears so? why does he want her for weekends then? ask your hv to meet with him separately and assess.

He has been band for driving once before and still continues to drink drive!

He left her in the bath twice the following week even after I told him the first time..... He actually sees nothing wrong in his behavior nor does he see stumbling around drunk demanding to hold the baby is wrong!

He will always put drinking before her, I'm not trying to stop him seeing her but I need to protect her and I don't think allowing him to have her unsupervised is the safe.

I'm just trying to figure out how I can protect my baby from coming to an harm and what's the best way to do this

you need to be harsher on him, sorry. next time he leaves her unattended or whatever you stop contact. baby is young wont notice much please dont worry about your baby missing out!

if he turns up drunk then absolutely dont let him over the threshold. shut door call police if he demands entry and gets aggressive. .

if you dont know how he will turn up open door with chain on and assess, do not let him in. it really is up to you to take charge. you cant say he is a danger then let him in. it's giving mixed messages about your assessment of him. you have to stop supervising yourself, you need to let someone else assess.

if you know he is driving while banned then call police on him so they catch him.

Sorry meant was banned for 2 years previous not now, but I have reported his drink driving and given details of pub he uses daily etc, so hopefully they will catch up with him for that!

Have spoken to my HV again today and she agrees that contact centre is where we are at so going to call them on Monday morning and arrange. I am no longer allowing him into my home to see her and agree totally I can't go on supervising!

HV is also contacting a solicitor who regularly attends our local children centre and is going to set up a appointment for me just so I can have a chat and see where we are from a legal point of view!

Also aware if he turns up here drunk or try's to take dd away from the house that I will call police

Feeling slightly better after speaking to HV and like she says the chances that he will even bother caring enough to go down the legal route is slim

While YOur HV may be right...You know this guy more than her...It will cost him although he can self represent...Do you think he would do that?

I honestly don't know that's why I'm worried! He has a 11 year old son and while he like to pretend he is a good dad I think he knows deep down that he actually shit and that his son actually diesnt like him and couldn't give a toss about him! His son so ends more time not talking or seeing him and he does!

His ex and him spilt when his sin was a baby and he used to have to go to the house to see his son and was not allowed any overnight contact until his son was around 5 then it wasn't regular! He never pushed her through the courts for anything but then again he was young and to busy chasing around the 19 year old he was dating to bother!

He really has been shot with his son and has just let him down time and time again, he would just go out get drunk and just cancel the next morning as he was to hanging to bother.

He is also very tight and I understand that the cost of courts could run into thousands so I honestly don't know if he would or not! Like I say I'm happy for I'm to have contact just not unsupervised. He will bring no value to her life just like he hasn't to his sons