Ex constantly undermining me

[thepartingglass]

My ex and I have been apart for thirteen years. Since then, my ex has always been 'the good guy' as in, never saying no, telling my daughter yes when I have said no, running after her (to a ridiculous degree) and taking any abuse she chooses to dish out.

So obviously I'm the bad guy, trying to set boundaries,refusing to talk engage when she is being abusive and expecting her to pick up after herself. I have been trying to reason with him for 13 YEARS! Now accepted that he either just doesn't get what I am trying to do or is deliberately trying to undermine me. Either way, absolutely no help from him whatsoever.

So what to do with a daughter who seriously believes that because I won't go and get her a drink of water that I am the most evil parent in the world?

Carry on doing what you're doing. She may not appreciate it now but later in life she will.
And stop trying to get your ex to change. He never will and the sooner you accept that the less frustrated you will hopefully feel.

I bet if your dd went to live with her dad she'd find it wasn't the same as it is 'just visiting'. Look on him as you would a favourite uncle or grandparent. Generally they spoil your child and let them get away with things that you never would have. And so your ex falls into that category of relation. Be thankful you're not battling him every step of the way under your own roof.

Good point about him never changing (took me a while to clock onto that one)

Sadly I think if she lived with him it would be exactly the same-he has no job, lives with his mum and has 24/7 to devote to serving her every need :/

Maybe it's guilt on his part then that he can't provide for her financially so he makes up for it this way.

Or maybe he is happy to wait on her hand and foot because he doesn't have to do it every day.

Like I said he's 'fun' in the same way a grandparent is.
Lots of contact parents do find themselves trying to make it fun and avoid arguments or issues.
If it wasn't fun to go there she'd probably not bother as she gets older.
And many contact parents who do put their foot down find their dc punishes them by refusing to visit.
It is a different relationship to the one you and your dd have.
But she needs that moral guidance and to know where the boundaries are.
She might not like it, but children do need someone to be that for them.

If he was the one with the responsibility and having to do it day in and day out then it would be different.

Your ex parents very differently from you and there is nothing you can do about that.
Your daughter is old enough for you to have a serious discussion about her behaviour towards you and for her to understand that her relationship with her father is different from the one you have together.
Tell her what behaviour is acceptable in your house and keep your boundaries firm.

let him get on with it. I've had it for 12 yrs, along with pompous emails on how he would do it, smile and wave and carry on as you are doing.